Grandma only cares about me. I am her life. She said that when I was 13 and now I know she meant it. She hates my daughter and treats her terribly. She is okay to my husband but when my marriage almost fell apart and I told her they would be moving back to California (we are in Hawaii), she half-smiled and asked when would they leave? If I had financial assistance or compensation then I could have some freedom. Her son (my father) does nothing to help. I just want to stop feeling so bad and be able to live, even just a little.
You also have issues of respect (or lack thereof). You are very respectful to your grandmother, as you always have been. So it is hard for you to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, even though it is. You are so afraid she is going to get mad at you that you have become paralyzed and cannot act.
She also sounds like a very controlling person. This is not a good way to be, but at her age, she may not know how to stop being that way. You need to be aware of that possibility.
And how are you supposed to act to an elder? You now are a grown-up. You have the right to ask all the people that you come into contact with to be respectful of all others. And there have to be consequences if someone does not respect your wishes (as long as you have acted respectfully, but firmly in your requests) whether in your presence or absence. (Jealous people can be controlling enough to be well behaved in the presence of one person, but when that person is gone not at all.) In this case I think that is may be time for your grandmother to know that the consequences of her actions can lead to her going into a nursing home or that your entire family are moving back to California without her.
Finally we come to your father. He probably had a hard time having a mother who preferred her 13 year old daughter to himself. More jealousy. He might have had a hard relationship with her throughout his life. That doesn't give him the right to ignore his responsibility to his family, including you and his grandchild as well as his mother. Again as an adult, you need to tell him respectfully what you need help with. If he doesn't comply, find some kind of consequence that will be the result of his actions. I don't know exactly what that would be.
I hope that you are able to break out of the middle of this situation. I have been there when I was very young and I didn't know what to do. Hindsight being 20/20 I have given you the best advice from my experience.
Call your area department on aging and ask for help. Let your Father know this is his Mother and his responsibility. Give him a two-week window to come up with other arrangements. Having money is not going to change the way Grandma treats your daughter!
Grandma MUST BE RECEIVING Social Security
done to rub HER (meaning grandma) the wrong way
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AND, BTW, what's wrong with Grandma that she's living with you, med, psych, or simply aging?
Grandma mystery season Social Security?
What's the issue between grandma and your daughter?
How old is grandma and what could an 11 year old have done to rub you the wrong way. Unless there's something substantial that you were in agreement with, you need to put your foot down to your grandmother and protect your daughter.
Why would you tolerate somebody being partially pleased that your marriage is falling apart?
What disability does your husband have and doesn't he receive some disability payment? As the daughter of a disabled parent, isn't she entitled to an allotment as well?
Your daughter was going to go to California with your husband? But now "they" have remained with you in Hawaii?
What financial assistance or compensation would you want? Where would it come from? Does dad have any financial resources? Does grandma?
What kind of family assistance is available in Hawaii? AFDC? Well Child insurance?
Plez try to get some answers about these things and let us know. Knowledge is power!