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My grandfather, who has been diagnosed with dementia but presents well, has just arrived back to my aunts place from almost a year in Portugal where he went to meet his "girlfriend" from a dating app that died all of a sudden when his money ran out. He has lived with almost every one of his children but he can't see that these apps are just scams. We just can't take care of him in any of our homes anymore as he thinks we are the problem. He has become very narcissistic. We just don't know who to turn to for help. He has limited funds and we are all burnt out with this situation that has been going on for over 6 years.

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Time to change his access to the internet. Smart phone to one without internet, computer with parental controls he can’t get around will stop the dating apps and hopefully the scammers. Also time to take over his finances and monitor his money. No use trying to reason with him or discuss the scams, he’s unfortunately lost the ability to understand or see this clearly.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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He is a danger to himself as shown by his past sending of funds to the scammers. No amount of talking will bring a person with diminished mental capacity out of the fog of being defrauded. His internet access has to be restricted- preferably cut off. It doesn’t matter what he thinks he wants - his judgement is severely impaired and someone needs to step in. If family can’t or won’t do it then report it to social services and get a court hearing so that the court appoints a guardian. Be prepared to present evidence of money he has sent and his continued actions against his own interest and safety. It is similar to having to take away the car keys. If he were my family member the Internet service would be gone. Don’t take him back in your home. Other family will have to make their own decisions.
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Reply to jemfleming
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I don't think there's a question here.
You state, "We just can't take care of him in any of our homes anymore.."
Don't. You are right. He can go to a nursing home where he will be cared for for the remainder of his life. Preferably, find a nursing home which has special training to manage dementia patients.
When his funds run out, he applies for Medicaid assistance.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Just curious, was there actually an in-person girlfriend in Portugal, or did the scammer(s) continue to lead him on while he lived there without him ever meeting "her"?

I'm sorry not to have very good advice for you. I assume no one has his POA, because if so they could have cut off and protected his money before all this. If he still seems functional, it might not be possible to force him into an environment such as Memory Care or even Assisted Living (where he would still have access to computers and would still be free to come and go).

The best I can say is that none of you are obligated to take him in to live in your homes. Someone could try to help him get low-income senior housing, and apply for benefits such as SNAP if he qualifies. But if he was capable of living on his own in Portugal and then making his way back, you may just need to let him go after that on his merry way, until his money runs out and/or his dementia increases to the point at which APS has to take over.

The key point is that none of you -- children, grandchildren, or siblings -- should feel obligated and guilted into letting him live with you. Keep in mind that online scammers are real-life people and you could be jeopardizing your own safety and that of you family if your grandfather gets any of your info (bank accounts, credit cards, etc.) while living in your home and shares it, or even invites someone local into your home in person.

I'm very sorry you all have to experience this, with the sadness and helplessness of seeing him throw away his money and his life.
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Reply to MG8522
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jemfleming Oct 12, 2025
There is never an actual girlfriend - I repeat - NEVER!
These overseas dating platforms are ALL scams. Always after money. Even if there was some woman who met up with him in Portugal, it is still part of the scammers scheme. Don’t kid yourself that maybe - possibly - there was a girlfriend? NO! NONE of this internet dating activity is safe for anyone and as soon as money is requested you can eliminate any doubt and be 100% certain that a scammer is at the other end of the conversation. They are preying on lonely people who have savings and will steal you blind. If you are lonely and want company get a cat - they won’t cost near as much and will give authentic cat love.
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If you place him in Assisted Living where there are people, entertainment, outings and fun, he may be less likely to turn to dating apps for companionship. You can visit him and his next new girlfriend there knowing that they are both being monitored onsite and that you're (mostly) off the hook.

I know people in such places, and my mom lived in one many years ago. They're enjoying themselves rather than moping around and whining! Talked to a friend in Assisted Living the other day. He'd just finish eating breakfast in the Bistro and was waiting for his friends to meet him there before a supervised outing to the beach. Meanwhile, housekeeping was cleaning his apartment. Yet so many people think that moving into AL is a horrible miserable awful thing AND THEY PROMISED MAMA SHE COULD ALWAYS LIVE WITH THEM. AND SLEEP IN THAT OLD TATTERED RECLINER.

Bleah. I just don't get it.
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Reply to Fawnby
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When his limited funds run out, he won't have any more money with which to keep fake girlfriends interested.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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Place him. If he has no money, then its Medicaid. Once in a facility he will have no computer or phone if you don't give it to him. I saw no computers that my Mom would have had access to in her Longterm care.
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Dorothy68 Oct 10, 2025
Nursing homes allow cell phones.
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I would say that the worst problem in these things is the scamming of money off elders, so it is important, if there is dementia, that there is a financial POA who manages ALL MONEY. If there is no POA before dementia is diagnosed then there will need to be an action before the court with an attorney for conservatorship to get control of any money and to manage it for the senior while the senior receives on a small allowance he is able to manage on his own.
If the senior is still adept enough to go online, and has access to scammers, there is little else you can do.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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If he "presents well" this means his dementia probably isn't "bad enough" for APS to pay any attention to him. APS usually only intervenes once things get "bad enough" -- like someone is complete detached from reality, is covered in feces, is a danger to themselves or to others, or is being abused. This won't be an option for him right now. Plus, unless someone is his PoA, you have no power to move him into a facility (that he can't afford anyway) against his will, especially since he seems to be a candidate for only AL so far.

There are Elder Waiver programs that some AL facilities might participate in, which would require working with social services and applying for Medicaid. It varies by state.

If he is broke you can help him get into Section 8 housing. I'm assuming he at least has SS income and Medicare. At some point he will qualify for a court-assigned legal guardian and Medicaid, at which point they will transition him into a facility and manage all his affairs.

If he refuses to move out you may have to go through an eviction process. If he still refuses to leave after the 30 days, you can have police escort him off the property but then he needs to have a housing alternative in place.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Talk with his Doctor when he goes in for a check up. With dementia, your Grandfather doesn't understand what he is doing. He needs social stimulation with real people. Maybe try adult day care. I doubt forcing his hand will work. Be honest with him.
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