My grandfather, who has been diagnosed with dementia but presents well, has just arrived back to my aunts place from almost a year in Portugal where he went to meet his "girlfriend" from a dating app that died all of a sudden when his money ran out. He has lived with almost every one of his children but he can't see that these apps are just scams. We just can't take care of him in any of our homes anymore as he thinks we are the problem. He has become very narcissistic. We just don't know who to turn to for help. He has limited funds and we are all burnt out with this situation that has been going on for over 6 years.
You state, "We just can't take care of him in any of our homes anymore.."
Don't. You are right. He can go to a nursing home where he will be cared for for the remainder of his life. Preferably, find a nursing home which has special training to manage dementia patients.
When his funds run out, he applies for Medicaid assistance.
I'm sorry not to have very good advice for you. I assume no one has his POA, because if so they could have cut off and protected his money before all this. If he still seems functional, it might not be possible to force him into an environment such as Memory Care or even Assisted Living (where he would still have access to computers and would still be free to come and go).
The best I can say is that none of you are obligated to take him in to live in your homes. Someone could try to help him get low-income senior housing, and apply for benefits such as SNAP if he qualifies. But if he was capable of living on his own in Portugal and then making his way back, you may just need to let him go after that on his merry way, until his money runs out and/or his dementia increases to the point at which APS has to take over.
The key point is that none of you -- children, grandchildren, or siblings -- should feel obligated and guilted into letting him live with you. Keep in mind that online scammers are real-life people and you could be jeopardizing your own safety and that of you family if your grandfather gets any of your info (bank accounts, credit cards, etc.) while living in your home and shares it, or even invites someone local into your home in person.
I'm very sorry you all have to experience this, with the sadness and helplessness of seeing him throw away his money and his life.
These overseas dating platforms are ALL scams. Always after money. Even if there was some woman who met up with him in Portugal, it is still part of the scammers scheme. Don’t kid yourself that maybe - possibly - there was a girlfriend? NO! NONE of this internet dating activity is safe for anyone and as soon as money is requested you can eliminate any doubt and be 100% certain that a scammer is at the other end of the conversation. They are preying on lonely people who have savings and will steal you blind. If you are lonely and want company get a cat - they won’t cost near as much and will give authentic cat love.
I know people in such places, and my mom lived in one many years ago. They're enjoying themselves rather than moping around and whining! Talked to a friend in Assisted Living the other day. He'd just finish eating breakfast in the Bistro and was waiting for his friends to meet him there before a supervised outing to the beach. Meanwhile, housekeeping was cleaning his apartment. Yet so many people think that moving into AL is a horrible miserable awful thing AND THEY PROMISED MAMA SHE COULD ALWAYS LIVE WITH THEM. AND SLEEP IN THAT OLD TATTERED RECLINER.
Bleah. I just don't get it.
If the senior is still adept enough to go online, and has access to scammers, there is little else you can do.
There are Elder Waiver programs that some AL facilities might participate in, which would require working with social services and applying for Medicaid. It varies by state.
If he is broke you can help him get into Section 8 housing. I'm assuming he at least has SS income and Medicare. At some point he will qualify for a court-assigned legal guardian and Medicaid, at which point they will transition him into a facility and manage all his affairs.
If he refuses to move out you may have to go through an eviction process. If he still refuses to leave after the 30 days, you can have police escort him off the property but then he needs to have a housing alternative in place.
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