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My grandmother who was more like my mother passed away last july. My grandfather called me instead of an ambulance. I did cpr and called an ambulance. They couldnt save her. My little boy and I have had a very hard time dealing with her being gone. It was left to me to deal with everything for that household from day one. We lived there for 8 months after she passed we didnt have a choice no one else would. My grandfather has three adult children all of them do not have jobs or small children. None of them will take him to the store,order his medicines,or cook for him. I am expected at his house everyday or he wont take his medicine and sometimes wont eat. He refuses to get meals on wheels or home health care. One of his daughters visits daily and they usually argue. She is not welling to stay with him at all but shes good at telling me what I should be doing and when I should be doing it. I cant take anymore my life is no longer my own. I have no time to visit other family or friends or do any of the things I enjoyed doing before. My husband is the only one working because I am so stressed trying to maintain two households. I dont know what to do.HELP

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my former boss mentioned in a meeting once that obama was going to pass something where family memebers get paid to care for elderly or disabled family members but I'm not sure how you would go about finding out about such a thing.
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I am doing the same with my Husband. I've been out of work since November 2012 since he won't let anyone else come help. Spouses don't get paid for care giving. I have not income now and don't know what to do! Bill's are starting to come in and nothing in checking account! What can I do??? Help please!
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when he phoned me about needing help with my grandmother he did not at any time say she was not breathing and since we had been phoned several other times prior to her death to help get her to bed we thought it was nothing out of the ordinary.I have spoken to his daughter about need for help in the household.I have also spoken to his doctor her response was her dad was the same way.
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I would suggest you call Adult Protective Services and tell them you ARE NOT GOING TO DO IT. No one can make you. This is infantile passive aggressive behavior. If he is mentally competent and you have prepared his medications and microwaveable meals, and he chooses not to take meds or eat that is his choice. Why did you go to his house when his wife died and not call 911 yourself before going. I can understand why he called you he was scared but you need to take responsibility for your own family and be the adult that you are.
Tell his children what you are prepared to do and stick to it, don't let them bully you and treat you like dirt for their own selfish needs. When a daughter arrives LEAVE. Tell her when his next meds are due and what's for lunch as you go out the door. If you drive make sure you park where she can't block you in.
If you thing the family won't listen to you send them each an identical letter - return receipt requested, that way you know they have received it. Set out what you are prepared to do. go back to work if you need the money and maybe offer for your family to go over on Sat or Sun and make a meal which you can all enjoy. Do some light housework, change bed, laundry etc and have hubby take care of garden any inside odd jobs that need doing. Anything more than that the family either has to do or hire someone because you have done your bit.
Make a list of groceries and other supplies needed and leave it for someone else to buy. You can refill his medicine box and call in any refills needed and add this to the grocery list. Someone else can be given the task of making sure the bills are paid. Fill out the check and have Grandpa sign them so he knows what he is paying for. Sorry if this sounds bossy, but these are only suggestions to help get you out of the current situation and give you time with your own family, you have a little boy to think about so don't miss these important years. Take a vacation, it does not have to be expensive, go visit friends or relatives on your husband's side of the family where your son can have fun. Rent an RV or a cabin if you can afford it. Give the rest of the family plenty of notice so they can fill in your obligations for Grandpa. I hesitate to suggest you take grandpa with you that's your choice don't feel obligated if he would spoil the trip.
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Your family needs to come first. Your children are the future, Grandpa is the past. Yes he needs and deserves care, but it seems the elderly are commonly more concerned with themselves than others. It's up to you not to let that endanger the future.

Perhaps his doctor can help. If he is eligible for meals on wheels have them show up. It will be his choice to answer the door or not.

Maybe if you get away for a few days with your family, you can think about exactly what you can do long term without getting burn out. Then, you can tell him what you can do and are willing to do. He can accept or not.

If he is mentally incompetent, his doctors need to address it legally. Eventually he will either be in a state where he has no choice but to accept outside care or die. He may choose to die. It's his choice.
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Agree with above. If necessary, coordinate meals on wheels, and a paid skilled, licensed caregiver (a few hours a day, or couple times a week whatever you think is needed) and be there for the first couple weeks while he adjusts to this outside assistance.

Repeat to him emphatically but compassionately, that this is how it is going to be going forward and stick with it.

If there is another family member nearby, give him that number and tell him he must call them instead of you on for example Mon,Wed, Sat. If he calls you and it is one of those days, either don't answer or wait for him to leave message and then call your family backup and ask them to return his call. Hopefully, they will be responsible and step in. If not, then you might have to hire more outside help hours....

You are burning out, the demands and responsibilities will continue to escalate. He needs to get used to outside help and if he doesn't, then lay it out that next stop is moving to AL or care facility.

Take care of you and your family needs. It isn't fair that we have to give up our own lives because a parent becomes so needy and refuses outside help.

Many hugs and good luck. We support you, so if you need backbone or relief from your guilt...come'n back!
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Bless you for serving your grandparents. With that sad, it is clear you need additional support from his children. Here is what I propose: you request a face to face family meeting to discuss next steps. You need to clearly identify what you are willing to commit to, and leave it for the children to step up.

The choices I see include: 1) full-time caretaker - paid, 2) Assisted living, 3) he moves in with one of his children.

You are exhausted and need to reclaim your life. You want to remain in close contact with your grandfather, but can no longer continue at the pace of caring for him as you have been doing.

Draw a boundary. Stick to it. Be strong. Be courageous. Your boundary setting is best for everyone.
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At a minimum its time for a family meeting so that you at least have a shot of everyone being on the same page and insisting on outside help or providing more family help. The one who is telling you what to do is undoubtedly guilty that she can't do it herself without arguing, and grandpa is undoubtedly reeling from losing his wife, fearful of losing you too, and completely not realizing that his behavior rather than making sure you will not leave him is going to drive you away.

If grandpa is safe to be at home by himself, its one thing...if not, its another thing entirely. It will be yet another loss for him to hear he "has to" go to a day program or assisted living, or accept others for certain parts of the help he needs, so if several people can do it gently, lovingly, but firmly while reassuring him they will be in his life, it may work out. He may even need treated for depression, or at least receive grief support or counseling in order to start feeling he can do anything for himself again. And you went through a difficult thing yourself to say the least...you have to take care of yourself too, and subjecting yourself to endless stress and demands, and then getting criticized for not doing more or better than you can do, is not at all what you need either!
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