Can my grandfather be forced into an assisted living facility?

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My grandfather had a stroke a few years ago. Since then he has become verbally abusive to my grandmother. They recently moved to a new house that was more "elderly friendly" (i.e. no steps, all one level) after my grandmother collapsed about a year ago. You can see that she is depressed, stressed and just doesn't even LOOK good! The verbal abusive he gives her every day is taking it's toll. He swears at her frequently (and she is a God believing, church going woman so this REALLY bothers her), he yells at her and she won't even go into public with him anymore because he belittles her and embarrasses her infront of other people. Before they moved, they looked into assisted living, but he said he WOULD NOT move to a home or an assisted living. Ideally, my grandmother should just leave him and go on her own, but we don't think they can afford two living arrangements, plus my grandfather is not fit to live on his own. He has also become loud, obnoxious and flat out mean to everyone else as well, even their children and grandchildren. My grandmother is afraid to leave because she says she would "have to live with that on her shoulders." What do we do?

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I read sunflos answer and there is much truth- if GM is not willing- check on her daily. I can only imagine if my hubby now of 40 years became imbalanced- I will stick it out, until the day he kills me because he's the love of my life, for better and worse- keep communication open and loving si GM knows you are there if she needs help.
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You might like this book: amazon/Elder-Rage-Take-Father-Please/dp/0967970318/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1400263491&sr=8-1&keywords=elder+rage
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Shakingdust is right on. GM is unlikely to ever leave GP as they have been together too long and it is against anything they've believed in a marriage "for better or worse"....she will continue to put up with it I'm afraid unless it turns into physical violence and she is hospitalized and authorities prevent her from going back.

Hopefully GP will be open to seeing doc and getting some help. I still think he is acting out out of fear, filters gone, and just plain figures he can act as he wants. My dad would be curse borderline mental abuse with my mom in late years and I would be furious and tell ask her why she put up with it and she would just say...he's not always like that, he apologized after you left and felt sheepish...and I know he did, but it was still unpleasant to witness. I finally just spoke out when he did it in my presence and that seemed to curtail it...at least in my presence. But I can tell you, every time I mentioned moving, getting in home help, being more social, etc. my dad nipped it in the bud and said "we're staying in our home, when we need someone, we'll hire someone, we don't need strangers in our home"...we'll he died and mom was brainwashed to these mantras and now she won't allow help in the home.

Hope you fare better.
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She needs to move into assisted living or with a family member. If he refuses to see a doctor and take medication for what sounds to be dementia- angry, outbursts, foul and abusive language- the only other thought is to call in ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES for a HOME HEALTH ASSESSMENT. I would recommend Grandma is not there but a strong family member. Grandpa can be removed for his own safety at which time they will evaluate him for 72 hours and Grandma can agree to whatever terms- medication may help. Even medical marijuana- if legal in your state. I witnessed a miracle with one elderly patient- but do your research and reach out to services for their help- do it for grandma before he hits her which can and does happen.
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Thank you everyone for your answers, stories and opinions. I have a few responses to them...... to sunflo2, this is not new behavior for him, he's been like this for quite a while now, they just had their 60th wedding anniversary last week (notice I did not say they "celebrated" their 60th). My grandfather also is very good at acting completely normal when he is at his doctors appts, so it may be a little difficult to see through to "the real person"......to GardenArtist, My grandfather HAS always been the dominant figure in the marriage. He always made all the decisions, even if it was just where to go on vacation, controlled the finances, etc. Jeannegibbs.....it would be hard to get him the medications that he may need because he sorts through his medications EVERY day and if he sees one that he doesn't want to take, or thinks he doesn't need, he simply doesn't take it. And there is no fooling him!! And to shakingoffdust...My grandfather's health isn't/wasn't all that great. He has had heart problems (quad bypass) as well as the stroke, and my grandmother was always the healthy one. But now, at this point, he has her so torn down that most likely SHE will never get to wait til he passes, he is going to drag her down until she can't take it anymore and she will be the first to go. I love my grandfather, but something has got to change NOW!!!!
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My first thought has already been expressed by others ... get some treatment for Grampa! Whether they continue to live together or he has to be in a care center of some kind, he will be happier if he is calmer and more himself. I don't think that he has "decided" to behave this way ... I think a cognitive impairment has pushed him into this behavior. It would be a kindness to him (and of course for your grandmother) for a doctor to find a drug or combination of drugs to combat that impairment.

First, treat Grampa. When he is as good as he can be helped to be, then consider whether that is "good enough" for grandmother to continue living with him.
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I think there's something else going on here, and that's the dominant, aggressive behavior against your abused grandmother. His abuse might have been triggered by the stroke, or his perceived vulnerability to the ravages of age, but I suspect there was a dominant factor in their relationship before that but it wasn't as abusive as it is now.

The problem is that she's been berated and insulted to the point that it's likely hard for her to think clearly and to defend herself verbally against him. So he continues to be a verbal battering ram.

These are dynamics that don't change overnight. Believe me, I've seen this personally.

Can your grandmother move in with any relatives, although I suspect that she would feel guilty leaving him even to protect herself.

The battered woman symdrome is at play here and it sometimes takes a lot for a woman to stand up to a batterer.

I agree with Hadenough - GF will "suck the life" out of your grandmother.

I would contact APS as well as look for someplace else like ALF for your grandmother to live, but be prepared for resistance because of the psychological battering she's taken and probably the low self esteem she now has. It will be hard to get her to leave him even though he is an absuer. But don't give up. She shouldn't spend her senior years with someone who is so abusive.

There comes a time when you have to protect the vulnerable from the predator, and your grandmother is definitely at risk.

Good luck - this is a difficult path to walk.
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I know a neighbor that finally had to move out of the home because of her husbands violent outbursts. She was the one who moved to assisted living and thrived because she was an appropriate candidate and he was not. He was also sucking what life she had left out of her. If possible she should leave, get APS's involved to get some outside help to come in. Hard situation - and so unfair to the wife.
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https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-guilt-stop-feeling-guilty-126209.htm

Your grandmother has to stop feeling guilty because if she doesn't, her health will suffer. It's not selfish. She given her entire life to this man and he's decided to lash out. This website has a wonderful FB page! If your grandmother is computer savy, she could perhaps log on and read some of the wonderful things going on. Perhaps she would 'see' she doesn't have to take the abuse just because he's had a stroke.
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If this is new behavior for dad or just escalated behavior, it is out of fear and him seeing a clearer reality that they are getting older and more frail and he is fearful of losing control. I agree to document behavior, giving examples of his abuse and mailing to both moms and dads physicians and then requesting a thorough physical and mental health work up for both at their next appt. don't tell parents you have sent advanced note to the drs and send confidentially. I did this for mom (although just dementia behaviors) and the dr was very discreet but it helped so he could ask her the right questions and not get snowed since she can be so coherent and together in public and certainly in front of doctors to hide her condition.

Your dr can then give clear prognosis and make medication suggestions or if he is trusted by parents -- gently suggest that they consider getting more help in the home and this May at least relieve some of the tension, fears of being moved from their home, etc. parents being together 24/7 especially when one or the other becomes more frail or in ill health can lead to this tension and abuse of one another. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't intervene to try to help.
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