Anyone else experience grandchildren not visiting?

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My mother is 91 years old and has grown grand children. They do not visit her and she does not get calls from them around the holidays, her birthday or just a call to say "Hi". I find this very disturbing, saddens me very much. Is anybody else going though this experience?

Her grand children are all in the late 20s and early 30s. I do not blame them, however, I blame their parents for not knowing to do the right thing. I have brought this up to one of my siblings and the answer is "I cannot speak for them". At this time my mother has trouble remembering their names or who they are. Also, I get the excuse she won't remember anyway. This is wrong! If they visited or called frequently they will be more familiar to her. Visiting maybe a problem but a phone call takes very little effort and could be easily done.

When I was their age I would go see my grandmother every two weeks and the visits were always short. She would tell me stories from a long time ago. They would not mean anything to me, however, the social interaction was good for her. I would ask questions and she would explain what had happened. Before leaving, I would always say goodbye and I will back soon. She was happy to see me and it made her feel good and I felt better. It is too bad my mother's grand children don't feel the same way.

I tell people all the time the best complement a person can give another person is: To spend time with person. Life is too short.

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My dad used to complain that he didn't know his grandkids, but he lived 3,000 miles away and laid on the couch reading, never visiting any of us even once in thirty years though he and his wife had plenty of money and free time.

My mother lives near the grandkids and they do visit, but when she broke her shoulder or needs something done around the house not one of them shows up. Nobody ever misses Christmas when she gives them each a wad of cash. My brother and sister raised these kids, which is why they are the way they are.

There's a reason for everything...
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I'm gonna put this out here, and I have said it before in a different thread. And I'm NOT saying this is about anyone participating in this thread, because I have no idea what your lives are like. So I say this as a general statement. 

I LOVED visiting my dad's mom. She was a gentle, loving, kind, and wonderful person who I adored. 

I HATED visiting my mom's dad. He was a bully. Even worse, the thing I REALLY couldn't stand about him, were his racist and homophobic attitudes. It was against everything I believed and everything I stood for. It was against everything my parents instilled in me, and I couldn't believe my mom was willing to put aside what she'd taught me and humour his intolerance.  Worse, he was talking about my friends, and when I was in my 20s, my partner at the time was indigenous, so you can imagine how I felt. I stopped even going for Christmas at that point.

Some people from the older generation are just hateful towards people who are different. Some older people aren't necessarily hateful, but they still hold attitudes that are racist, sexist, and/or homophobic, and they don't even realize it, either because it was acceptable to be that way in their day, or they don't really understand what racism, sexism, and homophobia are.  It's not acceptable anymore. I find the many of the millennial generation and "generation Z" have no tolerance for this kind of thing, and that should be okay. The world is changing, thank goodness, and they are there for it.

I also think, in the United States, this dissonance has become heightened by what's going on politically. You will find younger people cutting ties because of who and what their parents/grandparents support and/or vote for. They take it very seriously, and I don't blame them.  It's their future, not ours. 
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This "old" post kind of hit home--
I just returned from a visit to 4 of my g-kids who live in the PNW. Mom is a dr., dad (my son) is an attorney. HUGE house. Waaaaay too many toys and things & money--gaming systems on all 3 levels of the house---kids are spoiled rotten.

We have to go visit them b/c they won't come back here (DIL has serious issues with her family). Only the oldest child even attempts to interact with us, but we have been more in her life than the rest of the kids'. Five minutes after we arrived last week, the oldest boy asked if he could have friends over--he was "bored".

By day 5, I was climbing the walls. The kids don't respect any authority, they do what they want, parents scream at them day and night, dog barks incessantly and nobody respects anybody, except mom, who needs her sleep.

I gave each of the kids a little souvenir from Disneyland, b/c they opted out of a family trip there. Just a small keychain with a Disney character on it, but nobody said "thanks" and I later found all 4 keychains, one had been chewed up by the dog, 2 were stuck on a shelf, forgotten and one was outside in the snow.

I love these kids, They know that. We just aren't close and never will be. After last Christmas when I sent a lot of lovely, personalized gifts and received not ONE thank you from ANYBODY..I decided that from now on, I will send them one small gift and that's it. I will send a birthday card with money in it. It is what it is. They pattern their behavior after their parents'. Their PARENTS don't respect us much and the kids take note.

On the other side of the spectrum, my other 10 grandkids are cuddly, snuggly, loving kids. They love to see me show up. They love to come here for sleepovers and parties. I am developing new relationships with the older "tweens" that are just delightful. I like to think we will always be close. But it will take work!

I was dear friends with my grandmothers and spent time with each of them every week, esp after I was married and had kids. I was not close to my mother, so these amazing women taught me how to be a mom and a woman.

The relationship has to go both ways...and it cannot be forced.
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My grandkids are in that age range, too. I have had a very good relationship with them as they were growing up. They didn't get envelopes of money from me (there are 12 of them!) but they got taken to plays and holiday events. I had several parties a year with fun themes.

And now that I am a widow, do they call me or stop by? No. Hmmm. They sometimes include me in their activities (Gramma, we are doing Karaoke tonight. Want to join us?) And I do get invited when they host events. And if I ask for help, they are willing. But their main focus right now is establishing themselves as independent adults and building relationships with their own new families.

I think perhaps it is not realistic to expect more from our grandchildren than their stage in life supports.

And it probably isn't realistic to expect them to start new relationships with grandparents at this age if there wasn't a relationship all along.
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My parents who are healthy and in their 70's are going through the same thing. It's the millenial generation I think. My brother's kids are too self-absorbed, they don't see the value in grandparents (my parents specificially) except for birthdays, Christmas and any occasion that involves a card filled with money. That's the only time my parents will hear from them.

But as for the other grandparents on the mother's side? oh they are the best. They HAVe a relationship with THEM. Why not our side? Why do we have to try so hard?

I don't blame them either generationally speaking, but at the very least, when you make plans to see your grandparents like my neice does, she will blatantly LIE to get out of it, and I will catch her in that lie ("Oh I'm sorry, Nanny, but I think I have the flu") but on social media she paints a different story.

WHY LIE??

It's extremely upsetting. My parents are livid at this point. They only come around for money. They do the same to me too. I was once very close to my niece but not anymore once I figured she just wanted to hang with me because she knew a card filled with money was coming.

But to outright LIE to avoid getting out of something? We've all done it, I'm sure, but to your grandparents? If you don't want to spend time with them, at the very least, don't try to make up a lie, that you'll get caught for.

Sorry, I must've been internalizing. But it's all still very relatable I'm sure.
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I know it is difficult visiting my mom, who dozes through most of the visit and looks like a cast member from the walking dead, I know she is more aware than it appears but they probably miss the subtle signs. It was easier when she was still at home because she could be propped up nearby  in her wheelchair while the rest of us visited or shared a meal. Add in a long drive, all for a very brief visit... I do understand the reluctance. But still...
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My cousin would take his son to visit our grandmother and she would tell the little boy that "nana is going to die soon" and she would do her signature fake cry. Freaked the little boy out and he would spend the rest of the night fussing over nana dying. I'd visit her and all she would do is badmouth others. Or talk about herself.

Visiting my father is not any better. All he can talk about is his bowel movements. My kids will call occasionally but he refuses to wear a hearing aid so talking on the phone is near impossible.
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When the kids of their mother (my wife) don't come to visit or call very often how does that make the spouse feel? As their father, I have asked them to call their mother occasionally, but it happens only when the daughter the farest away calls and my wife told me just today - she can't recall anything our daughter and her talked about. BUT, she calls faithfully. Now, do we expect their kids to call? No, since their parents didn't set that example we can't change it. At least one of the granddaughters really seems to love and care about us for which we are very grateful. Another granddaughter who was given up for adoption REALLY loves us and wants to be part of our lives. At least me as grandpa. Grandmother has Vascular Dementia so she communicates with me and I love it. Communication is one way of showing love and care - please do all you can NOW so they will communicate later. Two of the grandkids lived in the same town for years as we, but the grandson doesn't really know who we are.
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My children will not visit my parents unless I am with them & they are 16. They've never liked being alone with my parents. My Dad is of the old school, not very pleasant, controlling & likes to order people about. Also they have very little in common with them. My brothers 4 kids 11 - 22 rarely visit, they feel very uncomfortable with my parents, again nothing in common & my parents are very lacking in social skills. In contrast their other set of grandparents are so loving & warm & welcoming, I know who I'd prefer to visit. On top of all this my father is dying but he has only himself to blame for all but alienating my brother, me & the grandkids.
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I can sympathize with this as the sole caregiver for my parents. Ive been watching this for 30 years with 3 grandchildren of my parents. My siblings wifes family is wealthy and never have time to stop in and say hello to our very old parents. Even though they take trips right by or are staying only an hour away they still dont stop in. They dont call and only once in a while do they get thank you for gifts and such. Our parents wernt wealthy so maybe visiting is boring for them as it isnt a large mansion by the ocean. All of their friends are wealthy as well. The "other" grandparents were also wealthy and only lived 30min away. The whole. lot of them are too busy... been too busy for 30 years. For years ive watched my parents anguish over not seeing their grandchildren despite me reaching out trying to bridge the gap. Now ive become furious at my sibling for doing nothing to try to remedy the situation. Its my siblings responsibility as it's his family.... Im furious because we weren't raised that way to be so self absorbed and disrespectful of our elders. He either doesnt care or wont go against the grain. When we were growing up you visited your grandparents it wasnt an optional thing. My parents are not unkind or loving people. Im ready to cut off all ties after they pass... im done with the lot of them. They are all worthless self absorbed people. Will never understand how family can be so oblivious disrespectful and uncaring. At this point i dont care what they think of me but I DO care what its done to our parents. It's going to bother me to the grave that they could care less about mom and dad. Wish I could let the anger go but I cant even with the realization it may be damaging my own health. There are a lot of things in life you dont want to or dont enjoy doing but you suck it up and do it anyway and stop making excuses that your too busy. I still hold out hope that they will not be too busy for our parents funerals and show some respect. Not betting on it.
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