8 people live with him that DO NOT pay any bills. Granddaughter moved in with grandparents several years back. My Mother passed away in 2009. Granddaughter is suppose to be taking care of my father. she will not let me know when he is ill, says I should call and ask if he is ill. I called every week for 3 years and was told both parents were fine. We do not live in the same town.Only to find out everyone knoew my Mother was ill in the hospital several time sna dided of cancer. I was told about it 3 months before her death. Granddaughter has managed the finances for grandfather since 2009. He was diagnosed with dementia in 2006. He is in his 80's. She has managed to move her mother (ex daughter in law), siter and brother in the house with their families. We have no idea who is paying any of the bills as they refuse to let us see any of the papers or documents to support that they are paying anything. My father came to stay with us for a week and told us she was draining him dry and even told his VA counselor this. She recently had a swimming pool installed andis again remodeling the house to support the larger family. she says she is paying for this but the salary she makes and the new additions dont add up. Plus the fact that they all drive new cars. He has not talked to either son in two years. We have tried everything we know of to do. Any suggestions? What does this sound like to you. I'm at my wits end. I just want him moved to a facilities that can help with his demetia and get the proper care. We took his car away and they allowed him to buy another one. They have allowed him to drive a car and gotten lost twice now. I don't want any of the money just him to be safe and cared for. If he was diagnosed in 2006 with dementia is anything he has signed since then valid.
Txgulfcoast - we do hear stories here from caregivers who are unfairly accused of "stealing" from the elder, So we're a little prejudiced. We know how hard hands-on care is.
We also have members who end up unable to protect their loved ones from abuse, so we have sympathy for your position too.
Can you or someone you trust "move in" for a while to see what's actually happening on the ground? If he seems well and happy, in a lively busy household, then you can relax. He is probably happier being at home, if that's possible. If he sits in the corner all day in a poopy diaper, then you have evidence to go ahead and call in the Marines to change things.
If it were me, I would want to know how much money he has left. I would want to get POA, and get him declared incompetent to change it. I would arrange for someone neutral to check on the household weekly. I would insist on someone professional to dispense the money and to provide financial records regularly. I would insist on getting HIPPA permission to learn about every single dr. appointment and health problem.
When you say you haven't spoken to him for two years, alarm bells go off.
Go and look at the situation. If there are big problems, you should not let the granddaughter stonewall you. Go to Adult Protective Services. Consult an elder lawyer. Send the police by for a wellness check.
If he seems well-cared for, but you are still concerned about the money being preserved for his care, then you will probably have to sue her or report her to the courts so that she no longer has the ability to misuse his assets.
Find out the truth and then act. It will be hard, but you owe it to him.
Were you close to your parents before they fell ill?
It sounds to me like you didn't take the time to actually visit your parents much... and such is why you relied upon your niece to inform you of their health needs. Is the niece one of your brother's daughter?
Do your brothers live near your dad?
Caregiving is very, very hard. You have been removed from it and really don't understand the complexity, if I may be so honest.
Are you more concerned about not getting an inheritance? How is it that you allowed your niece to care for your parents?
And no, I do not want any money, the farm, or anything except for him to be safe and healthy. He has special needs as a dementia patient as he was a POW for 4 years. And has outburst of violence.
He shares a house with 8 other people that do not pay bills on the house and other things. He is footing it all. He says they are draining him dry. My concern on things he has signed since diagnoses are the loans that are out for cars, remodeling of the house to build extra rooms, swimming pools, spas, and extra.
We didn't allow her to move in with them. She said in 2006 it was temporary till she got her feet on the ground. she moved her husband, two children, her sister, her brother, his girlfriend, and my ex sister inlaw into the house as well. We have asked them to pay rent or move out but have no seen where they are going to do either. They are upside down on all there bills and are always taking trips places.
As POA, why did you not move your father to a facility closer to you? Why was he allowed to move out if you had POA? Why did you not have your father move in with you?
All that said (or asked), go see an elder attorney and bring all the paperwork.
If you think there is elder or financial abuse going on, go to bat for your dad.
We did not know he moved home until after the fact. We tried to get him to move to our town but the granddaughter convinced him to stay in her town after we came home. She moved him into a Assisted Living facilities of her choosing.We did not have a room to put him in at the time, otherwise he would have been here.
Another grandchild turned it into APS and we are seeking attorneys advice and tried with the VA with no results. They are still working on it 3 years later.
When we go up they will NOT allow you to be alone with him in any way. They shadow everything we do at all times. We have requested time alone and it appears that way on the surface only to find out they are sitting out side the door listening to every word. If we try to take him for a ride one of the great grandchildren or grandchild cling to him and convince him to take them along. We would have to do it by force and that starts a fight everytime.
That is the best answer I can see. Perhaps others have even better ideas or can see it from another angle.
It is hard... and all of us on this board understand that to some degree. May you find peace and may your father be given the care and honor due him.
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