Grandad moved in. It has been terrible. What to do?

KateMARV, sometimes elders who are in their 80's and 90's remember back when their older relative had to move to a "home". The homes back then were pretty much asylums, thus any elder now will refuse to move.

You might want to have him visit some of the retirement homes so he can see for himself they are not dark dungeons. Use a "therapeutic fib" saying a friend wants to move her Mom into a retirement home but would like the opinion of another elder.

You mention "mum" thus are you from across the pond? I don't know how retirement villages are set up where you live? Here in the States, the newer ones are designed more like a hotel, with a restaurant style dining room with actual menus. Also, it depends if Grandfather can budget for the monthly cost, or if where you live, the elders can go in on universal coverage.

Anyway, when my Dad moved to a retirement place, he found he had more freedom then when he was still living at home. The Staff did the housekeeping and linen service. Much less worry about his house [which he sold]. Loved the food. And being around people of his own generation.

Kate, I don't think it's a coincidence that you've been living with this for six months but you're posting about it at Christmas. What's just happened that is proving too much?

Your parents, meanwhile, have been living with this for over two years.

Can I just ask a couple of things - how old are you? Where (which country) do you live?

Sometimes I want to just answer questions such as yours with the first thing that comes to mind. like this.

Follow through on your plans to move out. Maybe you and dad can get a place together. Save room for mum. She’ll be visiting often. No one has to get mad. Just move.

But when someone has put up with something this bad for two years, it probably isn’t that easy to just move. I understand that. Will he pout and be sad that he has to have non family help to live. Yes.
If it were his home and he could afford to hire a family of three to care for himself. Hooray. Good for him. But if that’s not the case, there is no one to blame for this situation but the ones putting up with it.

Note: just returned from several days with aunt ( 92). Tough love is on the agenda for foreseeable future. Sorry if my answer seemed harsh.

97yroldmom is right. He is abusing you because you are allowing him to. Chances are he was always large and in charge when Mom was a girl and she still views him as The Boss. Until she is able to see him for what he is now, she will continue to— well—fear him. I doubt seriously that he will kill himself if you put him in a facility.

A lot of people on this page say that their elder relatives move into their home and forget that they are a guest and living with their adult child is a privilege and not a right. Mom need to lay down the law to him. It’s her house and if anyone moves out, it should be Grandad. Is putting up with his being such a slob worth her marriage?

At the least, you should move out and live your own life. It’s time to launch.

You cannot go on like this. Really two options: One is tell him he has to change or he is moving out to a home. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if he wants to or not . He will not change, so either he has to move out or you do.

KateMARV,

I feel you pain across the web. Glad you reached out because people here are full of golden insight.

Sounds like everyone agrees on one thing. The living situation can't continue the way it is. In that way, it's fortunate. No one needs to be convinced its bad, or needs to change. Just the, who takes the first step towards change, is left to decide.

When my grandmother moved in the entire household became miserable. She was very abusive, especially to me. But no one was spared. Her expectations were unreasonable for a household of 4 busy youngsters in school and sports. She harbored real resentment my mother dared focus on her own kids. It was toxic.

It took many years, and lots of damage for my mother to get enough courage to place her at a home. Once she did, my mother's depression lifted, my Dad and her got along better, and life made sense again. The rest home mentioned over and over how abusive grans was, and it validated the decision.

I agree with the others here. Toxic is toxic and can no nothing but sicken your life. If you have the means to move I would. Waiting on him to do something places him in the power position. I wouldn't want that personally. Even if it feels like a loss to be the first to move, it does get you a fresh start in a residence not tainted by left over urine smells and etc.

Hopefully you can find a place that matches your vibrance and youth and speaks of who you are today. Not that this would be possible, especially considering he sounds like a difficult man. Perhaps he can help finance a move. Use his need to have it done quickly to your advantage. Tell him you can move within 30 days if he pays a deposit etc. Just a thought. Like I said, it'd probably be a fight, but hey, if it works, more money for you right? You know best.

I sincerely wish the best and for swift resolution. Let us know you made out alive...(light joke). Seriously, be most loyal to yourself. That way you can be healthy.

What does your grandfather's doctor say about his behavior? It sounds like he might be having some issues, that could include mobility problems, poor judgment, depression or cognitive decline, etc. Pouring urine into drawers sounds like something is very wrong with his judgment. Whoever is his POA might have him evaluated by his doctor to see what's going on. I learned from trying to care for a loved one that they were do odd things and living in isolation due to cognitive decline. Once she was diagnosed, it was easier to get her the assistance she needed. Your granddad may need more care than he is allowing, because he does't realize his condition.

Since, it's your parent's house, I'd leave the decision on how to manage your grandfather's care up to them. Your grandfather may not be able to make those decisions for himself any longer. I'd encourage your parents to get information and advice on how to better assist him or possibly have him placed somewhere that can properly assist him.

Thank you for all the answers it helps just knowing that there are people out there who understand what I am going through and how it feels.

I may have not expressed myself correctly - with the urine bottle, he doesn't pour urine in the drawer. What he does is empty the urine bottle in the sink (and then doesn't clean the sink) and then he puts the unwashed bottle into the drawer in his room, which makes his room smell.

I know the retirement homes can be really beautiful places (I used to work at one, I am a nurse), but he doesn't want to hear it, because apparently it is humiliating. With finances, it is not a problem since whatever he is lacking in funds my parents and his two other daughters are prepared to pay for .He is a very heavy character of a person. He doesn't want to be alone but at the same time he doesn't like going anywhere or visiting anyone (although people invite him).

I know I have to move out, and I will. I just need to make it until February, when I start a new regular job and have funds to afford my own place. But I really feel bad for mum and dad, since they are both really miserable and dad on the verge of moving out.

How about giving him a certain amount of time to change? Say, grandpa, you have until say the end of February to improve in these certain areas to demonstrate your really want to live here. At the end of that time, he will not have changed. But at least you have put it in his court. Then you say, you have not demonstrated you want to live here enough to change so to the senior home you go (in a more tactful way). He says he would rather kill himself than go to a senior home but that is hyperbole. He says that to manipulate you. Sounds like your mom, (or mum as you Brits say) may not like that idea, but if she doesn't go along with it then you leave.

You said your granddad moved into "our" house, and now refuses to get out? I guess it's really all up to your mom; if she isn't able to get him out, you and dad will leave the two of them together.... what's wrong with this picture? I know what I'm talking about, since my husband and I lived through it with my mom. She didn't have dementia and wasn't messy, but she stayed up all night, slept all day (had for years), and wanted us to be quiet and help her with stuff constantly. I should have gotten her out way before 3 years, especially since my husband had taken to spending most of his time in the evenings in the downstairs bedroom to get away from her. She and I finally had a bad fight, with her raising her fist to me to hit me, and me yelling at her, too. She went complaining to the pastor of her church, and he advised her to move back to the apt bldg she used to live in (thank God!). She was gone in a week (we weren't allowed to help move her), and didn't speak to us much for about a year, now we are doing as well as we ever have the last 2 years. Nothing lasts forever, unless someone lets it.... help your mom; show her this post maybe. I still have my husband, home, AND mom.

Unfortunately your mom needs to buck up and say enough. He doesn't get to ruin their home with his nappy habits. Who empties urine in the sink, why not the loo.

He is operating as the head of the house and it is your dads place, your mom needs to honor her husband's position and not let her dad disrespect her husband in his home. My dad tried this and it was easy for me to say, gotta go. At the end of the day, my husband is the one that will be their for me, not dad.

Help your mom save her marriage and support her in getting him moved. If he threatens to kill himself, have him committed to a psychiatric ward as a danger to himself.

There needs to be more support for family caregivers! Check out this special on 9News out of Denver. If the link disappears, google 9News Stranded.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZLl673jSko