Still waiting to get in touch with the VA for PT and OT. But we have talked to a caregiver facilty about coming in and it went great. But after my mom started talking negative saying she's not going to pay for it and she still doesn't understand it's really to help her at the end of the day she just has to do the work. But she doesn't want to. I'm tired, aggravated, and don't understand why she is doing this. She wants me to keep doing everything but its nothing more I can do or give her. I dont know what to do ...

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A while ago, I brought a care agency to talk to my dad about having someone help with things. When he heard the price, he declined the offer.
I am going to have to make myself unavailable, for him to hire someone.

The only way is to make yourself unavailable. Then, maybe she'll change her mind.
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Beatty Jan 2021
My relative would not catch a taxi - too hard, don't know how, don't know them blah blah - wanted me to chauffeur every day.

Yet when I was busy at work, managed to call a taxi & take it just fine.

Well fancy that!
When my husband’s grandmother was in a NH, she had a roommate who was bedridden. I just figured it was old age or a medical issue.

This woman had visitors most every evening. Her daughter was there the most. One evening we were chatting as we left. She said that her mother had hip surgery and then flat out refused PT of any kind. She chose to be permanently bedridden instead.

I soon figured out why. Her visitors would fawn over her. Bringing her dinners or treats. The “Do you need me to fluff your pillows? Do you want me to bring a magazine?” She just sat in her bed and enjoyed all the attention and fussing over her. She was the Queen Bee, happily waiting for people to bring her something.

The daughter said mother was spoiled most of her life. Was a daddy’s girl, then had a husband who indulged any whim and she never had to work. She wanted the attention and spoiling so much, she was willing to give up walking.

I didn’t mention to the daughter that she was enabling her mother’s sense of entitlement. Mother had them all playing right into her hand.
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Even with the VA doesn't Mom have Medicare? With a Drs order she should be able to get OT/PT in home with Medicare paying.
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Trying to get a resistant elder to do PT and OT can be very frustrating, as was my own experience. It may need to happen in small increments, like sneaky. Be patient as she adjusts to the new arrangement and having a "stranger" in her home. I like Grandma1954's idea of leaving for "errands"...and just leaving for longer and longer periods of time. If your mom cranks about it, ignore it or change the subject to something positive. She doesn't have to control the narrative in the house. Be sure to discuss goals for the day with the caregiver so that she/he knows where to put their time and energies and come up with strategies to move your mom forward in progress.

In the end you will need to have tempered MIL just would not do any of the PT/OT. We tried everything to incentivize her, to no avail. Now she's lost so much muscle tone that she can't get out of bed without a 2-person assist and a wheelchair. It's such a shame because there's literally nothing else wrong with her physically or medically. Hang in there and take care of yourself!
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"She wants me to keep doing everything".

Separate out what Mom *wants* from what Mom *needs*.

My Mom wants a heap of stuff that is not reasonable & lost her ability to see other's point of view. Eg: She doesn't WANT help to shower but NEEDS 2 people to assist.
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You don't give much info. (think there is a typo, you state your mom is 25 years old)
Bring in a caregiver that will do work for YOU.
the caregiver can start doing some laundry, light housekeeping.
Then you have to go to the store. Leave the caregiver with mom for an hour or two. Run our and get a gallon of milk.
During the time you are gone the caregiver could start lunch and help mom with lunch.
Mom will get used to having a caregiver around.
If she still resists tell her the ONLY other option is a Skilled Nursing Facility until she is able to manage on her own.
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