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We have an appointment with his dr Monday to see if we can't get him put in the hospital for the rages and a skin cancer problem he has. He will have to go to the nursing home after those treatments but he doesnt know that and is going to be defiant and raging at us over this. It's about to kill us but we have no other way to handle it. Suggestions or advice?

Unfortunately, just having dementia doesn't mean you are incapable of making your own decisions. A nursing home won't take him unless it is medically necessary for him to receive skilled nursing care. When you say he will have to go to a nursing home, is he already accepted somewhere?

I think having him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist would be more useful. If you can get a medical opinion that he is not capable of making his own decisions, it will make it easier to place him in a care situation.

From what I've read, a POA, health care POA or even guardianship doesn't give you the right to put someone in a care home. It's something to do with the rights of the disabled. If he has enough wits to contest the placement, the courts will lean towards letting him make his own (bad) decisions.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/legally-force-move-to-assisted-living-155888.htm

If getting him seen by a psychiatrist isn't possible, I would call the police the next time he is raging. If he seems dangerous to himself or others, they will take him to the ER and the hospital will be responsible to make sure he is discharged into a safe setting. Just do not agree to take him back home.

This is a very hard situation. I'm sorry.
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Sbrokefarmer Mar 20, 2020
Wish I had read this before this morning! This the most helpful advice that I have gotten. I wish Drs and nurses and case workers and admission personnel had this information so they could help people with this process.
Bless you!
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Ttomorrow is going to be a super tough for us! Please say a prayer for us!
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I agree with CM. Don't tell him but be honest with the Dr. If you feel he could hurt someone in these rages tell him. If you are afraid tell him. He maybe sent to a Psychic hospital. They will try meds to help with these rages. You may want to make everyone realize that he will need to go to LTC right from the hospital.
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Sbrokefarmer Mar 15, 2020
He has a problem with his Shoulders and arms as well as falling often and a cancer problem on his nose. Hopefully , that will be enough to get him in the hospital and if he has one of his fits on them he could be transferred to the psychiatric hospital until they can get him in control and then transfer to the nursing home. Thanks for your feedback!
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I feel for you *hugs* . my Dad was placed back on October we took care of him for 9 years at home. He had raging episodes too..im not a fan of drugs but when we got him on meds it was a Godsend. Lexapro and Xanax . and antipsychotic at night. We have since had to tweak it and the ALF he is in. God Bless. Sometimes meds are the answer for Quality of Life. Believe me..we tried it all and those meds allowed us 4 good years before we had to place.
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Sbrokefarmer Mar 20, 2020
Feels so good to have support! Your advise is great advise, but he's been on those meds for a good while. We've been trying to get him in a nursing home at this point. When we tried rehab they said he was to risky with his bad behavior. They suggested we take him to psychiatric care and then when he was stable to transfer to nursing care. So we took him to the psychiatric hospital and he acted like a deacon of the church and they told us he didnt qualify there. He's being turned down by nursing home facilities because his medical record have notes of his behavioral issues. We have gone thru several sitters to keep him home and now we can no longer find help that will put up with him. On Monday we will have no help at all and there is only the 2 of us for 24 hour care of him. There is a slight gleam of hope that a center for alzheimers and dementia an hour away may take him. They have in house psychiatrist and that way he could get on the appropriate meds for a nursing care facility could take him and be closer to home. I put him on the waiting list for a local nursing home in Hope's that we will get him this facility, hopefully today.
I would appreciate all the prayers you could send up that the Lord will help us with the right answers.
THanks so much responding and listening to me vent!
Your friend
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He doesn't know, and you shouldn't tell him. He can find out when he is somebody else's responsibility, i.e. at wherever he's being treated.

The rages - recent, triggered by anything in particular, anything you've noticed about them?
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Sbrokefarmer Mar 15, 2020
We are definitely not going to tell him. That would bring on uncontrollable rage for sure. If there is 1 good thing about this virus, it's the fact that the hospitals and nursing homes are on lockdown right now and we won't have to be with him when he goes into any of the facilities and cannot visit . He should be sedated and under control by the time we can see him.
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Sbrokefarmer, are you his medical or financial PoA? If so, you have the legal authority to place and keep him in a facility for everyone's best interests. If he doesn't have the finances and you are his PoA you will need to apply for Medicaid for him. If no one is PoA then when he is out of your home do not go to retrieve him from the rehab. Let the county take guardianship of him and he will be placed in a facility and receive the care he needs. Under no circumstances should you bring him back into the house, no matter how much pressure they apply for you to do so. I agree with Countrymouse: he doesn't know what's coming and do not tell him. The rages make it all the more clear you cannot continue to be his caregiver. Let us know how it goes.
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Sbrokefarmer Mar 15, 2020
We do have POA. We got that taken care of 5 years ago, as well as a living will.
We have no intention to bring him back home. Planning on him going to the hospital from the drs office tomorrow. The truth of the matter
is he should have had this done months ago, we just thought at his age we might pass away before it came to this. We never wanted to have to use this POA.
We have told our children but not anyone else. We just don't need others judging this decision. They are not having to go through this struggle of being a caregiver.
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Sbrokefarmer, how did it go? We're praying for you all and care....
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Sbrokefarmer Mar 20, 2020
No success yet. We may have to put him in a mental hospital first
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Sbrokefarmer, I’m hoping and hoping that you’ve already found at least an interim solution to this very sad situation, but reading over these previous suggestions, all good and reasonable advice, if you haven’t been able to find something to meet this tragic man’s needs, I think you will be forced to address the fact that neither his two caregivers NOR THE MAN HIMSELF are SAFE when the rages occur. Don’t hesitate to refer to his situation as DIRE, if it is. Can you get one of his rages on a cell phone video?

You will have to call the police and tell them that you have serious, immediate concerns for the physical welfare of the three of you involved. If you don’t have in your possession a statement in writing that he is unable to be responsible for his own welfare, request this document from one of the psychiatrists he’s seen in the past.

That document opened more doors for me in getting help for my LO, than the POA, and having received it, I would present the two documents together in every management situation that I encounter termed.

I do add your family to my prayers.
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Sbrokefarmer Mar 21, 2020
Boy I'm in a big learning process. He's never been to a psychiatrist. But that is coming very soon. This forum has had the best information and advise that we have found. Our case workers and Drs have not been able to advise us of all if gotten from this group in only a few days. No, we dont have him placed yet, but we are going to, and soon!
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I'm sorry that the psych hospital wont admit him.

If he becomes dangerous to you or to himself, call 911.

Has the doc who is prescribing his meds recommended adjusting the dosages?
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Sbrokefarmer Mar 21, 2020
Dr says he's on all she can give him. Really don't want to have to call 911. My husband, his son, has stayed with him all this week and he has behaved much better, but my husband is worn down to his lowest. He is making a unappreciated sacrifice of himself. I've "worked" from home to try every Avenue I can find to see if we can get him placed on a care facility. We will resort to more drastic measures next week. We continue to pray!
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