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What about getting fired due to calling out because the caregiver cant come? When my husband and I moved out of the city and up to the high desert area, it was to care for his mother, his father had just passed away. We live about 50 to 60 miles from Downtown. All was good, we both got jobs at the local casinos. Casinos can be a blessing and a curse. They are open 24 hours so shift work is the way things go. I used to work full time, but when Mom came to live with us she was not well. She had just had small strokes and could not live alone. I was exhausted most of the time caring for her and working so I cut my hours down to 3 days a week. I found a lady in the area ( L ) and she became my first caregiver so I could go to work. She was with us for a year before she found another job that had Health Insurance. Then I needed another caregiver, I found ( A ). She is my current helper. She is older that my first helper, and she does not have great health. She has gone to the hospital by ambulance 3 times in the past year. She is in the hospital again right now. Also, she is religious and cant work on Thursdays and Sundays. That doesn't help me when I can and do work those days.
I contacted an Agency for In Home Care. There is one lady ( S )that can work for me, is close to my area, except that she has other agencies that she works for and other clients too. Now, let me explain that since I am part time I no longer have a set schedule. I can work the morning shift one day and swing (6pm to 2;30am) the next. I called the agency with my new schedule on Monday and they called this worker to see if she was available for Friday and Saturday. She said yes, but then today the agency called and said that she is not able to work those days for me. I am getting frustrated again because I don't know from one week to the next if I can work or not. Also, for the Holidays the rate is time and a half. So that means $30 plus an hour.
My husband works the graves shift and sleeps during the day, then goes to work. This means for mom that she will be alone from 10pm until 2 or 3 AM when I get home. My husband will feed her dinner, help her to bed, give her meds. She has Dementia but does not wander. She hardly gets up except to use the bathroom. I don't want to leave her alone, but its only 3 days or nights. I hope things will go ok.
I did some calling on Residential Home Care. Boy are they expensive. I talked to a really helpful lady about her home and was about to set up a tour when I realized that I hadn't asked her price. She said $4500 a month. I bout fell off my chair! One home that I did visit was a fairly decent home, run by a family and they wanted $3000 a month for a private room. That is way toooo much for Moms budget. So I guess Im venting, but what are other people experiencing while caring for their parents?

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The prices you quoted sounded pretty normal. Some people hear them without batting an eye, but I have to be careful with my mother's money. I do want her to have some left if she needs NH care. It is easier to get into a good facility if you have private pay for a while.

I think the only time someone should quit their job to do caregiving is if they can afford to do it. Some people have secure marriages with spouses making a lot of money and a comfortable retirement account. These people may feel fine about quitting their jobs. The rest of us have to keep an eye out for our own security and retirement. So many people make an emotional decision to leave their job, instead of considering other options. Then they regret it on down the line when they have no money, no retirement, and very little SS to depend on. Strange that many of us would never consider doing to our parent what we do to ourselves.
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I quit a job to care for my dad and boy did I ever regret it. After my dad had passed away I had a big gap on my resume and potential employers weren't all that impressed that the gap was the result of caring for an elderly parent for years. I did do volunteer work while caring for my dad and I think that helped offset the damage done by having that gap on my resume.

Once my dad was gone I had a difficult time adjusting to the real world again. My social skills had suffered as well. I felt closed off and ultra sensitive and this made rejoining the work force harder on me. Going back to work was definitely a tough adjustment.

If you feel like you have to quit your job to care for your mom I would suggest that you keep one foot in the work force either by volunteering somewhere or just picking up 1 shift a week. It's very easy to leave the work force. Not so easy to get back in.
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In this day and age, quitting your job to care for a parent is no longer practical, if you are or could be in need of an income. I say this, because everyone needs an income, benefits, retirement savings to make it. We are living longer, likely don't "own" our own home outright, drugs and healthcare costs are higher and higher, and medicare and social security are not nearly enough to live on. One could find themself single and then you would have no one but yourself to depend on.

For these reasons, take care of YOU first. eyerlish isn't right with first hand experience. You will find others who come to find out they lost their home when loved one passed because they could no longer afford it on their own. No promise of estate to pass along from parent to child.

My point is, keep your job. Find mom care, if not in your home any longer because help is unreliable or too expensive -- then you will have to consider other options for mom such as NH or other care facility that will accept Medicare, group home for seniors subsidized, etc. Research online for ideas or visit your local senior center and speak with them about moms situation and finances and they can help you sort out options.
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I meant...eyerlish IS RIGHT with her firsthand experience.
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Please do NOT quit your jobs.... I am so glad I still have my career as it is my "sanity" and it is my "vacation" even though I am at the office. I am around other people besides my parents.... around people from all walks of life, there are always smiling faces and lot of laughter.

Please note with dementia, it doesn't get better, it doesn't stay the same, it will only get worse. Your Mom may start to wander, and go through all the other stages of dementia. You would then find yourself needing three Caregivers 8-hours each per day, including weekends and holidays. When it comes to that point, it is time to reflect that Mom now needs to be in a continuing care facility where she would be with Staff who are familiar with all the different stages and know exactly what to do.
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No. Never quit your job. You will lose your own Social Security and health insurance.

In my family, my 95 yo mother outlived my sister. (Think of that sister as being you.) What is the plan, if you are no longer able to care for your mom? She will go to 24/7 care, right? Make that happen, now.

My mother is SO much better off at the NH, than she was at home. She has company, health care, balanced meals, baths, clothes. It seems a shame that some families struggle so, to keep a loved one at home.
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Dear please do not quit your job. I am single and did the same last year and had a tough time getting back into the workforce however with a huge salary cut.

The past year and a half has made me realize that the problems with aging are not going to go away, if anything our parents are going to be saddled with more health issues as time goes by. And moreover caregiving is extremely draining - my mother has anxiety issues due to vertigo and that anxiety and panic has rubbed off on me as well.

Hence my advise would be to keep your job or any kind of vocation instead of being couped up at home. Your mental well- being is important as well.

Take care and hope things work out for you...
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If she could afford to pay you for caretaking then strangers, you could see a lawyer to make it a legal agreement written and signed by your mom and lawyer that way medicaid won't come back and want to know where the money went
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I quit my job a year and a half ago to take care of my parents, and I haven't regretted it. However, I was originally planning on retirement right about now, but when I left my job I had no intentions of looking for full-time employment again. I also picked up some very enjoyable consulting work during that time that I plan to continue more or less indefinitely. I'm still on COBRA, and also collecting SS so with this and the consulting I have no need to touch my retirement portfolio. The bottom line is that one has to assess his/her own financial situation, and make a decision accordingly. There probably is no "one size fits all", but one must consider all the "what ifs" before quitting a job as it may essentially be an early retirement. Of course I realize many people don't have this freedom.
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The best answer I can give is NO NO NO! Quitting your job is the last thing you want to do. You will be stuck there forever. Try to figure something else out but quitting should be a last resort.
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One of the biggest issues we face if we quit jobs is that when it comes to Social Security we lose big time. If we can quit for a year or two and still keep up our skills, then maybe it will be okay. But many of us have care responsibilities that last many years or even decades. Then, when we try to go back to work because we need the money and can no longer stay home as a full-time caregiver we have gaps in our resumes (as was mentioned). Younger, cheaper employees have taken our places. And as I mentioned, our SS has taken a huge hit.

I think it's great to stay home and I don't regret the years I spent doing so but I can't say it was a "wise" decision. Practicality and our hearts can be at odds. This is just a very hard decision. Whatever choice a caregiver makes, I support it. Just try to think through all of the consequences so you go in with your eyes open.
Blessings,
Carol
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It is far from easy with what you're experiencing. We tried it for 5 years and it got increasingly worse to the point where we now have my dad in a NH. We were wiped out both physically and emotionally.

My cousin gave up her very nice job to take care of her mom and after she passed, my cousin never got anything close to what she had in the workplace again. Think very carefully before you make those drastic changes.
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Giving up your job has forever consequences. Parents are always going downhill and not up hill. Don't do it. I did it for my parents. (who are still sick). Then out of the blue my husband came down with pancreatic cancer at 64 and now I had to back off my parents and turn attention toward him. My parents are not even being nice now. They both have dementia. If you can PLEASE keep your job!! My prays are with you.
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I would say that if its not in your mothers budget, see an elder attorney and get things set up for medicaid to pay. I can't say either way about the job quitting but I know myself that I would not be able to financially to quit my job at this time. and like the others have said, a big gap in your resume might hurt your chances at another job. unless you want to get into the caregiving career and then you might be able to find something.
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NO. My only suggestion is either have mom pay you under table or get lawyer to set up financial agreement but then you have to pay self employment and a lot of other hassles. If your in your 50's no one will hire you. I am single and dads long term will not pay me because im related and live in the same house. But then I can not get Medicaid or any help because dads income counts against me. Not to mention im in a republican state that did not extend Medicaid. No win when your a caregiver.
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I quit my full time job in 2011 to care for my dad with Cancer. My mother was by herself at home and she was facing a dying husband. I made the move to enable her to be with him as much as possible. In hindsight, I would have maintained my job because it is much harder to make your parents your soul focus.. You get burned out it is better to assess your financial situation and if you can work part time and care for your parent it is better or if you can afford to have someone come in to work with you in the home that is a healthier situation. It is also dependent on your health and the health of your loved one. If your loved one needs more help than you can provide it is worth it to try to move them into a facility now before they get worse there are ways to financially pay for it. Utilize your resources with Social Services for Seniors and weigh your options carefully.
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Being a caregiver is not always easy and there will always be conflicts with work and home. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services to discuss options that are available for your mother. If there is a local adult medical day care she could go there during the day which may help. You and your husband will have to discuss the work schedule with your employer so that one of you is at home when mom is there. There are programs that she may qualify for including some that will help pay for assisted living. Caring for an elderly of disabled loved one is expensive whether it be in the home or in a facility. Sounds like you could use some caregiver relief, there is a national family caregiver program than can provide some services like respite. I'm a caregiver too so I know how demanding it can be. The staff at the AAA will be able to explain all the options in your state. Good luck and remember no matter how difficult it is, you are not alone-take some time for yourself even if it's 30 minutes.
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First you have to decide if you want to lose on your eventual social security payouts or create a healthier wake/sleep cycle for yourself. Shift workers die sooner than people who work during the day and sleep at night because our bodies have circadian rhythms that are pretty much set. Since your husband is working full-time, if you quit to take care of his mother, you will be able to make a claim on his social security at age 66-67 and get half his earnings, and when he dies all of it. You do not say how old you both are, so it is difficult to answer this question. Know that your mother-in-law has a terminal illness, and dementia has a 7 - 12 yr. (average) life span. Yes, adult homes are expensive, but nursing facilities are more costly. Out of her social security, see how much you can spend to have someone care for her when you are not at home, and if she doesn't have enough money, you will have to adjust her schedule. Never leave a person with dementia home alone unless you can be assured they will be safe. Either install nanny cams to watch her when you are out, or someone to stay with her. She may get it into her head to go for a walk in the middle of the night when you are gone and get lost. The dementia mind is unpredictable...
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Correction - I meant to say, "you will have to adjust YOUR schedule"
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Just want to thank all of you who respond to this website. I am at my wits end with my mom who has dementia. Just reading all the information on this site gives me courage to keep going. I don't have eveything worked out yet, but it feels good to know that others understand it all and are willing to share their information. Thank you!
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This is not a black and white issue. I don't agree with many on here who are saying NEVER quit your job under any circumstances. There are many factors that you have to weigh, including your own financial security and how many years of employment you would likely be giving up; ie how close you are to your own retirement. I was in a situation where I was paying out so much for care for my mother while I worked and traveled for a demanding full time job that I figured out it would ultimately be cheaper for me to stay home and care for her. The emotional demands of being pulled in all different directions was too much for me to handle and I had to make a choice. Also, I worry less about SS because I have already worked enough years to expect a decent monthly SS income when I start drawing it. . I agree wholeheartedly with the person who suggested doing volunteer work if you can fit it into your schedule. It gives you structure, keeps your skills sharp and shows ambition to future employers if you need to go back to work at the end of caregiving. This is an extremely personal choice that comes down to what is important to you as an individual. There is no right answer.
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Back when Dad asked me to retire, I asked him if he gave up HIS career to to care for his parents. His answer was *no*. He never asked me again.

Not all of us can be Caregivers. Just like not all of us can be Court Judges, firefighters, Astronauts, or work construction. I know if I went into a caregiving agency and ask for a job, I wouldn't be hired. I am not qualified. I will stick to my career and if my parents need hands-on help I will have them hire certified professional workers who know actually what to do.

Plus, when we were born, did any of our parents think *I can't wait for Suzie or Brad to grow up and be a full-time caregiver for us*.
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I wish someone had warned me about this a long time ago. I did not intentionally quit my work in order to take care of my parents but it ended up that way. When you start on this journey, you never know how long it will take or where you will end up. I lived in California while my parents were in Texas. Two siblings lived in the same town as my parents, but were not seeing after them. I was constantly getting phone calls to handle problems via long distance. So I decided to take an early retirement from my job and move across country, not realizing fully what one parent's dementia diagnosis meant. I spent a year caring for my father before he ended up spending the last 3 months of his life in a nursing home. I attempted to find work after that, but by then the economy had gone sour and there was nothing available but sporadic temp work. I was on my third or fourth temp job when my mother was hospitalized for hallucinations and was diagnosed with dementia. That was 2010 and I have not been able to work--even temporarily-- since then and I am now on my 9th year as a caregiver. My siblings continued with their lives unaffected and rarely see my mother. They provide no financial support or assistance, despite my efforts to work out a plan with them. One sibling even moved away from the area after this all began. The other lives nearby but never kept any of the commitments that she made to come over once a month for a few hours to help out or give me a break. My mother is now 87 years old and seems to be entering the final stages of dementia.

I was once a well-paid, well-respected, influential professional. Now I feel, and do now that, I am outdated and not seen as useful to any employer.

Leaving my job and my to see after my parents has taken a heavy toll on my finances, social life, health and happiness. It was the biggest mistake I ever made after a lifetime of being cautious about every other move I ever made in life. Now I am near the official retirement age and far from the top of the game I once commanded. My personal savings have been depleted all the while I was not contributing to Social Security. I see a bleak future ahead.

I would tell anyone who has a job--never leave it to take care of your parents. It is too much to ask. This is a devastating move from which you may never recover. Parents who truly love their children should make plans for their own care while they are able to do so. After all, your parents are the ones who called your spirit to this mortal plane--you did not call them.
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You have a lot of good answers concerning whether to quit your job or not. But what other options are there for you to create income if you do decide to stay home. Is there work at home you can do? What is your skill set? If you have a college degree or a specialty you might be able to be an on-line instructor or mentor through a college or trade school with an on-line program. Are you creative? Can you sew and thus make clothes for others, do simple tailoring projects, or make craft items? It would take effort and outreach to be successful yet programs like Tupperware, Mary Kay, 31 bags, Cookie Lee, Pampered Chef, can create income and also tax write offs for a home based business. Is your home large enough that you could become a licensed home care facility. In California they are called "6-packs" as they are private homes licensed for no more than 6 residents. You would then be hiring people to assist you day to day with cooking, cleaning, and care of the patients. Can you do child care at home? Again, a home based business with income and tax advantages. Do you like to cook or bake?

Also, is there any way you and your husband can take shifts that do not overlap? You both would be able to work full time then.
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I stopped working to care for my mother but that is only practical because she can afford to pay me. Since I have only ever had fairly low paying service jobs even a modest paycheck is fine with me, and we are really both better off financially with the arrangement. I also look forward to an inheritance to supplement what will be a very small government pension. Most people are not so fortunate. I do however worry about trying to re-enter the workforce some day. I think if you could find a way to balance part time employment with caregiving you could perhaps have the best of both and avoid the social isolation that comes with being a full time caregiver. It is a decision you really need to make with eyes wide open, carefully weighing the costs and benefits. Unfortunately too many of us seem to jump in during a crisis without considering the long term consequences.
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I regret having quit my job for all of the above reasons, especially since I only had
1 1/2 years to be vested in my pension, which consequently I lost. It is coming back to bite me big time now. But at the time it was very special for me to be with both my parents who live across the state. My dad passed in August and now my mom is terribly lonely and I am still driving there for lengthy visits. In retrospect I should have at least considered the Family Medical leave option.
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I believe once it gets to a point where one has to quit their full-time job to be a caregiver, that means the elder needs full time and attention. When the elder is napping, that may be the only time one can try to clean the house, do laundry, or take a nap themselves [its exhausting work]. Even getting groceries for the household becomes a real challenge [thank goodness for on-line grocery shopping and home delivery].

I've read on these forums of caregivers trying to work from home, but eventually it become quite stressful. You can't put a client on-hold or be in the middle of a conference call when Mom or Dad is calling for your attention or in the background you hear them fall or dropping something.
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Regarding the Federal Medical Leave plan, use it only for emergencies. I was so glad I didn't use one day of the FMLA to help my parents, instead I used up all my vacation days, all my sick days, and days without pay.

Out of the blue I developed a serious illness that required major surgery and I was glad I had FMLA because *I* needed it, which helped guarantee that my job would still be there once I got back.

My job was still there but three months later that position was eliminated because my work had been divided upon other Staff and headquarters decided that position was no longer needed :(
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I retired from my job to take care of my mother, who has dementia. I don't regret it one bit. Retiring a little early has been the best decision for me; probably saved my sanity. My job was not a "vacation" and got to be too much stress added to the stress of my mother's illness. Tho my boss had dementia problems with her mother, I thought she would be more understanding, but I guess she doesn't recall what it's like. I only received a lot of grief taking time to take my mother to a doctor's appt or to have tests done. I can only imagine if I had to take a day off if a caregiver couldn't come in! Thankfully, I'm much like jacobsonbob in that I'm close to normal retirement age and have a nice portfolio, and I'm single. I see it as Mom took care of me when I was little, now it's my turn to care for her. I want her to be safe and happy in her own home; to ensure that, I'll be right here with her. I have no regrets. You have to do what's right for you. It's one you'll have to live with, and the wrong one will only add to your stress.
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Yes, because what employer is going to put up with constant time off, even w/o pay and for how long? I felt it wasn't fair to my employer to try to keep the job going and running off every two weeks for what I would call emergencies. Otherwise I wouldn't have traveled so often across the state.
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