How do I get my mother in law to let me go on doctor's visits with her?

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My mother-in-law who is 92 had a doctor visit today but didn't want me to take her because she know i would ask questions to the doctor. Instead her ask her other draughter-in-law to take her because she will not ask questions. My mother-in-law lives with me and i take care of her meds. My reason for wanted to go with her is to get first hand information about her. Not second hand. At this point I feel like I don't care about her blood sugar level or blood presure.
I don't know what to said to my mother-in-law when she will ask me to call her other draughter-in-law and ask what the doctor said to her. Could someone
tell me how to handle this problem.

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I really do not have much to add except, please be careful of her feelings. Over the last 2 years I have watched doctors and nurses talk over my parents to me about their care. It is almost as tho they are not there. Perhaps this has happened to her in the past & that is what concerns her. If you see a careworker (of any kind) do this, bring your MIL back into the conversation by asking her a question about what the caregiver has said. It gently lets the caregiver know (or reminds them) that while elderly, your MIL still deserves the respect of being addressed directly. Even tho it appears my father is not completely with us (brain injury) I still explain whatever we are doing with him and ask his opinion on things. After all, maybe he is in there and he deserves my respect regardless.
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I think all of these comments are very helpful, but I have the opposite problem. My mother will do NOTHING to help herself, and I have to do it all. I have a brother who is the favorite child , but he quickly learned that he didn't have to help with his mother's care, even though as an adult he took large sums of money from his parents. Be careful what you wish for, because some elders see so many doctors that you will no longer have a life and will have to quit your job like I did. My mother was always a helpless child and my father enabled her almost until he died. Now I am expected to do this, and when I say helpless, I MEAN it. I have to tell her when to take a crap, and what and when to eat, guess what she wants for groceries because she is too afraid to write a grocery list or order lunch meat because she is afraid of the deli guy. She was hit by a car when she was 10, and has not crossed a street for 75 years, This is true for many of us who have parents who have always been more childlike than we were when we were children! Be careful what you wish for, because it is better to have someone who is independent than one who refuses to do the simplest things and raised a son to be equally useless!
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If your husband is alive and able to talk to his mother, I would have him ask if he can go to the doctor visit and get the directions on her care straight. I am sure you are doing your best and bless you for it. However, if she goes to the doctor with the other daughter in law and the information isn't passed along to you and your husband as his primary caregivers, this will likely not be good for her. Even mentally sound 92 yrs olds need help from you keeping his medicine and medical visits straight.
If you husband isn't available or has passed away, perhaps a grandson or grand daughter could go and pass along the information needed to help your
mother in law. I don't understand why the other daughter in law can't let you know what the doctor thinks. She could ask questions too.

Good luck and again bless you for caring for your mother in law. Being a primary caregiver is a thankless job.

Good luck

Elizabeth
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It's funny how gradually things turn from parent-child to child-parent! I am 57 and my 32 year old son, who lives away from us, checks in on me and worries about me, as well as 'advising' me to do things to make sure I take good care of myself. I am grateful for his care and concern but I can see how the older I become and the more concerned for my welfare, the more he could 'get bossy'! I visit monthly with an elderly friend who still lives alone (she is 88). She's fallen several times, once ended up alone all night and had to go to rehab for almost a month to heal. She has no children and has been 'adopted' by a wonderful family (we all go to the same church) who help her with everything, including her money management (he's a CPA), house chores, meals and the rest. The relationship is very much familial/elderly parent-middle aged child(ten). But my relationship with her is in her mind, strictly 'friends'. She will confide to me that she likes to keep some stuff involving her doctor visits and other more 'intimate' issues to herself. While she is very appreciative of their help, love and involvement she also is feeling more vulnerable and knows her time living independently and 'being with it' may end. I know it scares her. The husband and wife who are so close to her and good to her will also confide in me how they know she is keeping them out of some things they think she needs assistance with - like a second set of ears at the doctor's office - and I think they'd like me to help urge her to allow them 'in'.
In the end, we all come down to a personal world that is smaller and smaller with fewer and fewer choices of our own. Even if those who care for us truly do want the best for us and would never cheat or harm us, we want the respect and self worth of being grown ups. Even if YOU are not threatening her or to her, the situation and circumstance of her life probably does. So going to the doctor and calling her shots there may be her statement of independence. If she is mentally sharp, perhaps you might work with the other daughter and her doctor(s) to help her take good care of herself. Without a POA they can't tell you much but things can be 'massaged' around. My brother in law thinks my MIL, 92, needs to keep her weight up (she's lost about 8 pounds). She is 5'7" and weighs about 155. So, not skinny or wasting away. She does have a slow growing cancer (probably not what she will die from) and her appetite isn't much anymore due to lack of taste and smell. I say 'respect her wishes" because she isn't deathly thin. And nursing home food, well, stinks!
They may not do things the way we think they should, be to a great extent, I believe a lot of our elderly people are underestimated. It is, after all their choice.
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sorry I meant her daughter.
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Sometimes it is a matter of them feeling like you are treating them like a child. Sit down and explain to her that you love her and you are sorry if you made her feel like you weren't taking her feelings into account. Sometimes it is very upsetting for the doctor to address you as if you are the only one who understands. How would you feel if your husband went to the doctor and just starting asking questions and then they started discussing your care as if you were not there. I think for older people it make them feel like they have lost their independence and dignity. I know that you are trying your best and only to help her, and I think you are great for trying to do this, but try to look at it from her view. My aunt who is 92 felt the same way about her doctor, and when I take her to the doctor, I would say do you understand that,...I don't,,,do you mind if I ask the doctor to explain it more to the both of us. It made her feel more in control.
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Sometimes it's our approach. I noticed that when I told my mother what she or I was going to do, she could really dig in her heals. For instance, if I said something like, "Mom, I need to see the doctor with you so I can find out what's going on," it sounded pretty invasive. On the other hand, if I said something like, "Mom, would you mind if I went along with you to see your doctor. I don't want to interfere, but I want to make sure I understand what I need to do to help you." If she allows you to join her, then before you jump in and start talking to her doctor, it would be nice if you said something to her first. "Mom, do you mind if I ask a couple of questions? I'm concerned about your blood pressure because you seem to be light headed at times."

My point is, even though you have good intentions, maybe she doesn't feel like she's being treated as an adult, with dignity. My mom has dementia and at first I was getting upset and scolding her for things that she couldn't help. It got me nowhere. Then I started talking to her like I would a friend (or my mother), with respect and concern for her feelings. It made things so much easier. We are both happy now and I really feel much better about everything.

Just wanted to add that you need to find out what works for you and your mother in law. The main thing is (even though it's difficult sometimes) to treat her with respect. She obviously still wants to feel like she has some control over things and you would too.
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Has your mother signed a hippa waiver so that the clinic can provide you with information? Perhaps you could call and get the information you need to take the best care of her.
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