Going to see my estranged sister in hospice ...how do I forgive her for the years of deliberate hurtful jealous behavior?

This is an excellent question for so many of us. My sister and I have an estranged relationship. I wonder about things like this too and struggle with forgiveness.

Christ tells us to forgive so we can be forgiven. He also says that we need to forgive many many times. So you may have to forgive your sister over and over again. It's not easy and doesn't just happen over night but can happen over a period of time.

Ask yourself how you will feel if you don't go. Once your sister is gone will you regret not going?

Take care of yourself and find those things that make YOU happy and go towards them. Having a fulfilled life of your own may make forgiveness easier.

God Bless

Pray for her. Remember-- Jesus takes you as HE finds you,, ( found you). Forgive and you will be forgiven-- and you really do not have to bring it up-- or it will just sound fake and empty-- and full of unforgiveness. Go take to a preacher-- bring her things-- food especially ! TREAT her like sister. And maybe she will dissolve in tears and ask you to forgive her-- and you will say I did-- a long time ago. amen.

Sounds like you are being a martyr. Go see your Sister. Maybe she wants to apologize. You will always wonder..... what if?... by not going. Put a smile on your face and go. Im sure you are not perfect either. Put yourself in her place as someone who is dying. Her treatment of you in the past sounds like it was borne of a lot of dysfunction in your Family and you were a scapegoat for her emotional pain.Offer her your forgiveness and it will make her feel better and take a huge weight off YOUR shoulders.Ask for God to help you and go forward. Take care.

A narc will never change, rarely has an epiphany they did anything wrong. Go with no expectations and you won't get hurt. There will probably be no great forgiveness, no hugging, no love, no closure of anything.
Say niceties, keep to neutral topics. Don't drudge up the past. It will only end in hurt & anger.
If things start to turn ugly or controlling (my money is on that) you need to cut the visit short.
You need to rest or whatever.
Go in with no expectations and you will save yourself a lot of grief.
Also Grey rock works if she is pushing buttons, or demanding anything from you. You can look that up on you tube vids. You just don't give them ammunition to engage in an argument.
Good luck

Let it go, for your own sake. Move on with your life and do things that make you happy. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not guaranteed, today is what we have. Find peace.

It is a good example for her family if she has children to have you display true humanity if you visit. It’s noble of you and raises the bar for everyone you will touch with this action you will take. So many people smoke and drink because they have a void and deficit of intimacy and the mood enhancing of the substance they take, settled that void. They seek more and the personality issue grows from their inner disturbance . She does acknowledge you otherwise she would not have made the motion or alerted hospice to tell you . She never learned how to value human intimacy . Many people don’t and it’s other things that satisfy this void. Shopping, watching tv , seeking our passions and indulging in our hobbies rather than making time to integrate with people. We all do this to a degree but some are better at diversifying our lifestyle to make time to value our significant others which takes more and more work while everyone moves away for better rent better jobs , college . It’s almost no fault of people but instead a default of chasing the better job and finding economic stability which trumps relationships.

Is it possible to do a zoom or Skype call first to see how things go? If things go badly, that tells you something. If they go well, you will feel much better going into the situation.

The overview of your situation is pretty dark.
I envision you with a hunk of cement chained to your ankle. The iron cuff cuts sharply you drag it along inch by inch. The cement has gotten denser over the years. If your travel those thousand miles to see your sister, will the cuff magically release? Or is it likely you'll be dragging it back home with you?
If meeting with your sister won't be mutually beneficial, don't go.
Cut her loose. Save yourself.

Please don't apologize for posting your question, HealthySelf. I and I suspect many others here need to know the answers to this too. Thank you for sharing your situation to help yourself and in the process help others.

I don’t know if this will make a difference or not but no one wants to be remembered just for the mistakes they have made. All of us have made mistakes. It will help if you can look at the entire picture.

My brother hurt me tremendously but he was also very loving and caring at times. I tried really hard to find a balance and not focus solely on what he did wrong. This made it easier for me to forgive him.

I may be rare but when I forgive, I do not hold onto the past. I let it go. I don’t necessarily do it for the other person. I do it for myself. I don’t want to be weighed down. Why allow a person’s past actions to continue to hurt us? That doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s over and done with. None of us can change the past and why should it influence our current situation or the future?

Some people don’t move forward if they do not receive an apology. An apology is nice to hear. You may deserve an apology. Had I waited for an apology my brother and I would have never made peace with each other.

I was told my three nurses at my brother’s hospice house that my brother expressed sorrow to them for things that he did to hurt me. That was a good enough apology for me.

Sometimes people don’t apologize to someone out of embarrassment or fear of how you will react. They fear that you will reject the apology or belittle them in some way. It’s not always a ‘black and white’ situation. There are lots of gray areas.

Starting in childhood, I was estrabged from my father for very long periods throughout my life. When my brother told me he was dying in the hospital, I decided to go see him. I was nervous he may be mad at me for "abandoning" him and that he would pour all of his narcissistic nastyness out on me like so many times in the past. However, I knew I must go, at least for myself, no matter what happened. He was my father and I somehow still loved him. I figured that if it wasn't going well, I could just leave and know in my heart I did the best that I could.

He didn't know I was coming and when I walked up to his bed, he actually smiled and was happy to see me. We talked very little, as he had COPD with influenza and was on a ventilator mask. I just sat there and we looked at each other noticing how time had changed us both. I held his hand and smiled at him a lot too. I told him I loved him and he told me the same.

A few days later, the doctors informed us his lungs had completely stopped working and he would have to remain on the ventilator permanently. At that point, he decided it was time to let go. As his life slipped away, not every moment was peaceful. A nurse had made the mistake of turning up his oxygen and he regained consciousness. The dad I always knew made one last appearance, but thankfully it was short lived.

When he passed, I was by his side, holding his hand and my other hand was on his chest. I felt him take his last breath. At that moment, I leaned over his bed and hugged him. It was the best experience I ever had with him in my entire life. I was finally able to be close to him emotionally without all hurt feelings and sadness. I finally felt the love I had always wanted from him, even though he was gone. It was a very powerful moment for me.

I would go visit your sister with an open heart and no expectations. If it is not going well, you can leave and feel you did your best. You just don't know what will happen. If something good comes of it, believe me, you will be glad you made one last effort.

If you can truly forgive your sister, then do so and that does not require you visiting her. You have your own family and self to care for. I strongly suggest you call and do facetime with your sister. Perhaps, she wants your forgiveness and needs to tell you that...and that can be done on the phone. I am sorry that you continue to have to deal with hurt and pain from your sister, no matter the form. However; don't make the mistake in feeling responsible in any way, or guilty if you don't go. You must continue to care for yourself if you want to move forward. Ask GOD to help you through this. Phone and stay home.

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is a terrible situation. It sounds like you have already decided to go; your question was about forgiveness and how you handle the situation…is that correct? As a person of faith, and a Social Worker/Counselor; let me say that forgiveness does not always include forgetting. When we are very hurt, forgetting those wounds is something most people cannot do. That doesn’t mean you can’t forgive. Forgiveness is also not an all at one time process for many of us. We can state we forgive, intend to forgive, and forgive as much as we are capable of at that point, but then we usually have to work on that a little at a time. Don’t put the expectation on yourself that you will instantaneously be able to forgive. Even if your sister doesn’t ask for that, forgiveness will benefit you as well. Let your sister take the lead if she is coherent. If she doesn’t bring it up, you don’t have to. Facing the end of ones’ life changes people. Whether it is out of fear, insight, good will, faith based or unfinished business. Take your cues from her if that is possible. It might help to make a list of YOUR goals for being there and then let that guide your behavior. Are you going to say goodbye? Put that on your goal list and behave in whatever way allows you to do that. Maybe your goal is to extend an olive branch, to give support or comfort to her family or to her. Maybe your goal is to finish this trip so you won’t regret not going to see her. Maybe the goal is just to get through it. If you know what you want to gain from going, and they are feasible goals, it will help you to have a guide to follow once you get there. Your goals are your guide. And keep in mind, that you don’t know what you will be walking into. Things could change quickly, so have some possible scenarios in your mind. Pray. And I have found most hospice staff members to be excellent and very knowledgeable. Other people have encountered similar situations. Although I am sure you feel alone in this, you are not. If you feel courageous enough to do so, you can pull aside the social worker, the chaplain, or a nurse and seek out their counsel. Typically, hospice’s goal is to make the patient as comfortable as possible as they transition without using any life prolonging measures. But they are there for families too. My heart hurts for you. Blessings to you and I will pray for you (& your sister) as you walk through this difficult valley.

First, let me qualify my answer by saying that my mom has lived with me for 11 years without much help from my 2 sisters who live an hour away. They took most of her retirement to open a boutique that lasted a year. Growing up, my mom treated them as special because they are twins and twins were not as common then as they are now. I was abused physically and emotionally and my mom still curses at me when she doesn't get her way. In addition, my husband's sister threatened to sue him after their mother died - he was the one who took care of her and paid her bills, etc. He had POA and his sister wanted money. She put him through emotional hell. She now has stomach cancer and they have reconciled. She didn't ask for forgiveness, he just gave it to her. All that to say this - I was a very jealous and angry woman, although I considered myself a Christian. One day I realized that the Lord's prayer (which we all know) has a little word in it with great meaning. It is the word AS. Forgive us AS we forgive those who sin against us. Now, forgiveness does NOT excuse the behavior done against us. It doesn't mean it was or is okay. Forgiveness frees US from the torment of the past. It is an act of your will and it is a process. First, you choose to forgive. Practice telling your sister that you forgive her before she even asks and even if she never does. Just say, I forgive you. Just ask God to help you and He will. If you have time, read the story of Corrie ten Boom before you go. She forgave a concentration camp guard. So, go in the grace of God and don't be afaid. You can end the cycle of your family's history of abuse, torment and rejection. God be with you and give you the strength to forgive your sister and other family members.

Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. The more you show forgiveness to her the easier it is to see her. I’d go and tell her you love her, have forgiven her for pain she has caused you and hope she forgives you for anything you may have done. You never know what she’s been thinking and it is less confronting. If she asks what’s she done, because she may be oblivious, just tell her why you hurt. If she argues just drop it and love her in the moment. It’s like loving a narcissist. They may never get it or believe what you’re saying. Forgiveness is for you. At least you’ll know in the long run you did all you could for the relationship.

Often as we near the end of life, we regret some of our past. It could be your sister wants to clear her mind and soul. I doubt her personality has changed, and it’s difficult to admit your wrongs. But give her a chance. If nothing else, you will not have regrets for not taking the time to see her. A hug & kiss goodbye will be good for both of you. Prayers and well wishes all goes well.

First, let me try to empathize with your own pain and struggles. You have made a choice for your life to be a caring and loving person. Sometimes in the face of our own mortality, we cut through the garbage of life and want to resolve a lifetime of issues.
I think the most important thing for you to do is to decide how you want closure for yourself with your sister. Perhaps writing a letter to your sister (which you don't send) pouring your hurtful memories and if you are able, forgiveness, on paper might help release some of the pain. Then let it set for a few days - perhaps ritually burn or shred the paper. Cry or be angry as needed. Finally, decide what you are or are not willing to do in response to your sister. Self-care and self-love are important. Whatever you do, do it for your own peace of mind.

I don't If your sister is still alive or not I just barely got this on my email. But if I were you I'd go to the centre And I would just stood stand there and look at her and if she starts harping on you and telling you a lot of bs I would just sit there and look at her finally I would just turn around and soon as she Is think she has the better of you than stop in your tracks turn around walk towards your sister and give her a big hug and tell her you missed her through all your life of of Is harassment degrading but you're gon to forget all that and just give her a big hug. Sometimes Just letting them know that you still care, Through all The Times that your sister degraded you and Didn't accept you Don't hold on to that just give her a hug hugs go a long ways don't have to say anything just give her a big hug.

Let the past die.

You were a different person in the past and so was your sister. You have changed over the past 20 years; she probably has too.

Acknowledge that there was hurt in the past, but don't hold the hurt to you like a lifeline. Offer forgiveness so that you are not consumed by bitterness. She isn't looking at your health concerns or her own; she is looking at the last opportunity to connect. Your sister is reaching out to you to in her last days that she can.

Offer the kindness that you would offer any person. Let your last memories of your sister be ones of peace.

May I encourage you with a Bible verse from my studies this week.

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but on the contrary, BLESS, for this is what you are called to do, that you may receive a blessing too.

I feel it's great that you're going. The bigger issue is love. Just simply giving it. The situation is going to be difficult for you, but just do the best you can with her and leave it at that. I promise you, your actions are going to be very rewarding, both to her and most importantly to you. Very best wishes.

Yes, you definitely should go. Even if it hurtful to you, you do not want to regret saying goodbye. We need to forgive others so GOD can forgive us. "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Matthew 6:14. May GOD bless you both and bring you peace.

Why are you even going to see her?

I was estranged from my father for years. When he was dying, someone told me to ask him if there is anything he would like to talk about it. He said he would, and for the first time discussed our original issue. He had always refused. He explained what made him the way he was, and said he didn't offer it as an excuse. There was no excuse. It was so helpful for me to have it turn out this way. However, if it had not, I think I would be glad I asked. I'm glad you have decided how you want to proceed. I believe you will feel better for the effort, that will be the success. God Bless

KimberbyB480 has it right. As long as you choose to visit and it won't interfere with your health, go with an open heart and no expectations. You will be blessed.

Forgiveness does not have to be done in person.
You can forgive in your heart and mind
But are you really looking for an apology?
An apology makes forgiveness "easier"
Did she herself make the call and ask you to come? Or was it a family member or Hospice staff member?
If she actually made the call to you maybe a conversation on the phone to sort of see how the conversation will go and if there may be the same feelings. If so based on your own health problems you have a real legitimate reason not to make the trip. If she seems to want to "put things right" you again can make the decision to go or not. Based on your health problems no one will question your decision.
IF you decide to go do this for yourself. If she begins with the same type of talk that began this get up and leave.
You could also decide to do video chats before you actually make the decision to go. That might give you an idea how the in person conversations will go.

Side note here. When I met my Husband and I found out he had a brother and sister that he had not talked to in over 20 years I was floored. I just could not understand that. By a strange set of circumstances and the stars aligning the right way we happened to be in the same place at the same time as his sister (who lived about 1000 miles away) and I had a very nice conversation with her and thankfully things were patched up before my Husband died. (I lovingly called my Husband a "Stubborn Pigheaded German" his sister will agree the whole family was like that) I still talk to her at least once a month.

Forgiveness gives you peace.
That’s all you need to know.

Why does she want you there? To apologize to you? Does she expect some kind of apology from you? Is she hoping to get the final word? Proceed with caution. If you choose not to go that is okay.

if you go and she is lucid enough to communicate, I’m sure she will say something to hurt you. I understand because that is the pattern in my family. Even a pleasant, “Are you tired?”can have a nasty intent and can be hard to shake.

My sister has repeatedly reeled me in with a nice message, only to zing me- for sport? Some of her zings are untrue, but still, as my big and formerly admired-by-me sister, somehow I wind up obsessing over it.

When my parents were sick and dying she always had a reason she couldn’t come. If she did come, she would stay for the bare minimum. I needed her support in those days, because I was our parents’ caretaker. My parents needed her too. Did she visit only for show? To get the empathy of others? She posted online, “I stayed by Dad’s side day and night following his stroke.” (True— one day and one night she visited during dad’s month-long hospital stay).

Sometimes her Facebook posts revealed that her reasons for not being able to come were untrue. (I.e., she claimed her child was suffering from an infection following a surgical procedure so she couldn’t visit mom on hospice, but then posted photos of her child at a birthday party that she had the nerve to photographically document and publish.

I found that my interactions with my sister were abusive. My sister was rude, sure, but I was the one abusing myself by putting myself in emotional harm’s way by waiting on her train tracks to see if she would be sweet this time—or run me over.

Mom finally said she never cared to see my sister again. I have decided if Mom was at peace with that, I can be too.

Talk to your physician about the health risks of your travelling, and what you should do to protect your own health if you make the trip. Will you hate yourself if you do not go to visit her in hospice? Or will you feel relieved? It sounds like you have many unresolved feelings about her, but a visit to her in hospice may not be the place where these feelings can get resolved. Can you connect with a grief counselor or a trusted advisor to discuss your feelings? It's very sad when we don't get the love and support from relatives that we yearn for. Whether you visit her or not, please try to discuss your feelings with a professional person who can help you feel better.

Wonder what you hope to accomplish by going to see your sister.

All I can say is, I understand how you let 20 yeas go by. For several justifiable reasons, I never visited my formerly close friend when she was dying in a nursing home from advanced MS. She had a huge family, most of whom I later found out never visited, either, but that didn't excuse me. Some years, I didn't have transportation to that (outlying) nursing home, but many years I did. She didn't know people were there at the end, she was in a coma, but I still felt I should have made the effort, even though she was terrible to me most years before her admittance, due to changes in her personality from MS. I will tell you, I felt I just couldn't bear to see her as she was, but again, that's on me - I should have bucked up. That doesn't mean I didn't care for her and pray for her as a friend, and your family members who dumped on you for so long may have been in a similar place. Since we are told not to judge (partly, I believe, because we never have complete information, only God does), forgive them and pretend you are seeing your loved one with no baggage at all. Start fresh if you can - I did it with my older brother, who all of a sudden had much more time for "family" after a near fatal heart attack - it made him re-think his priorities. God bless and keep you.