her diabetes is bad, her house bords on hoarding Tv shows, her boyfriend has just lost his house nd is moving in with all his furniture and stuff, she was in a car accident in April and failed to go for PT so her legs are very weak and I know I can't go there to change it all because I will anger the whole relationship. I have read to pick my battles, I will do that. I read to communicate openly and honestly and to not tell her what to do. I read to hire people to help since my helping will create bad things...I just can not go, I have seen pictures and know she and the BF need help. She is in Arizona and I'm in new York- I ave to go for a while...she needs to see a doctor and she Nededs to have a clear walking paths in her home. Those are my 2 battles to pick - any suggestions? Bottom line I do not want her to hate me, but I don't want to hate myself for not helping fix her health and home. I can't have it both ways...

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Hoarding homes can create so much anger and tension. If the hoarding is part of who the person is, it can be a lengthy process to get them to let go of their treasures. Do you have any brothers and sisters that could approach your mother with you to try to get her to see the advantage of keeping her house clear? She may agree to work with a professional organizer to get things clear. If you hire an organizer, be sure to get a good one. Some people call themselves organizers, but they consistently get nothing accomplished.

If you fear the house puts your mother in jeopardy and she is unwilling to de-hoard and clean it, you may want to call Adult Protective Services in her country. This action can have both hostile and unforeseen effects, though, so consider what could happen in your mother's case. I do not know how sound and how clean her house is, so I don't know if it might end up being condemned -- something few people want. If it is a good house that just needs a little organizing to make it safe, APS might be a good way to go.

I would love to hear what others suggest in this situation. My parents were hoarders, but they were not hard-core, so I was able to work with them to get rid of most of the clutter and old food. There was a lot of anger, but the house is livable now (except her room, which is still a mess fraught with dangers).
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