Going insane. Any advice?

You mentioned she was on pain meds. Perhaps with the doctor’s agreement, she could “run out” of pain meds and “need” an appointment before they’ll refill. Part of ensuring she is ok for the refill could be the cognitive testing.

Also I’m hoping if it was a relatively abrupt change that they tested for UTI. UTIs for my mom rarely present with fever, but my goodness does she get markedly weirder. She only complains about pain when she’s actually urinating so you might not know unless you do bathroom care.

Please find, hire, kidnap (ok, probably not) someone to cover for you so you can go running at least a few times a week. It’ll do you a world of good to hear the rustle of leaves in your wake, smell real air and have the blissful sound of anything other than hysteria (yours or hers). I’m deep in a hellhole of misery and what you are describing isn’t likely to end soon. Please carve out your run time.

Do you live with Mom?

If so, is that a long standing arrangement? Or you moved in (or she with you) temporarily?

If Mom's home, Mom does what she wants including refusing to see the Doctor. Mom's home = Mom's rules, right?

But she does not control YOUR actions. See the difference? You can make an appointment with the Doctor for YOU.

Take Mom with you if she is afraid to stay home alone. Let her choose: Stay home. Come inside to the appointment. Sit in the car.

You can voice your concerns to the Doctor. That you feel your Mother will be unsafe when you return to work. Ask for suggestions. Treat this as a starting point.

My mom started sundowning and hallucinations in Sept/Oct. (lived with me since July. before that it wasonly .. a literal weird sentence said once evey couple of weeks. When whatever it is that happned, happened, she drifted into "crazy-world" and stayed there for a long time - as in waking up and going to sleep as "other mother". she would even say "im back" sometimes. thank me for caring for her. etc. then drift back off again. it was .. terrifying.)

As we didn't want to mess with haldol. hospice nurse rx'ed seroquel for my mom. A teeny teeny dose.

Basically it is a 25mg pill and I cut it into quarters, and she takes 7.5mg in the am and 7.5 at night. At first the nurse thought it would do literally nothing, but my mom is very med sensitive.

The difference is NIGHT VS DAY. Literally! Within three days of starting the med, her anxiety on my being gone.. vanished. Sundowning / suddenly thinking she's somewhere else (and I am someone else at times) happening 'instantly' around 3:30-4ish -- gone. No more talking in weird metaphors (she shoved me into the water wall = helped her take a shower in a bath chair) or trying to use the TV remote as a phone etc.

the "What's that? What's the noise, whats that light?" gone.

She drifted back into that briefly only one evening so far -- that was cause someone stole her catalytic converter out of her car, and stressing out over the car, she asked the "How many cats do you have? whats this one's name?" which was my cue she was drifting. Thankfully nurse had already warned me that could happen (nurse had also looked under my moms car), and told me if that happens to give her a half of a dose. Which I did, then the weird questions stopped.

I didnt want to sedate my mom into a sitting/staring at TV all day and she didn't want that either, which is why nurse is trying seroquel.

my god.. the beauty of my uninterrupted sleep... I can leave the kitchen for more than 10 minutes without panicked screming.. every day is still getting slowly better. <3

They Rx it for sundowning very specifically apparently, so it might be helpful. idk if other doctors would deliver dosages the same was my moms nurse is doing it but, worth a shot.
See if you can get dr or someone to treat it. You also need to be in top shape to care for her. So the medication benefit vs risk is balanced enough to make it a good option to try to stop the sundowning which is making it impossible for you to stay healthy.

Seriously, within 3 doses (36 hours) the weird stopped with my mom, and she
even started to store memories again.

To activate POA for my mom, I needed her own doctor to determine that she did not have the capacity to make sound medical or financial decisions. I made an appointment with her doctor for a physical. I asked them ahead of time to administer a cognitive assessment as part of the exam. After two such appointments over a year's time, her doctor saw such a decline that he wrote a letter stating that her condition met the criteria in the trust documents to activate the POA. Point being that it may take some time and more than one appointment to satisfy the requirements of putting POA into effect. Not as easy as it seems. I hope you find your way through this soon.

I’m hearing often that Covid brings on cognitive decline.

Yes, dementia patients can get very mean.

Now you have to be in charge, not her. You need to keep seeking doctors until you get an assessment. Maybe get her to the ER and refuse to let her be released to you, and that might get some action. So sorry.

Figuring out your goal can help. To sort your thinking & then plan how to aim for it.

For Mother to understand her abilities & willingly seek medical opinion?

To obtain a diagnosis for Mother - to know what you are dealing with?

To arrange home help, whether she understands or not? Diagnosed or not?

To return to work?

Even to have a reason NOT to return to work? (Yes, this has been a reason.. a poster's partner was so unhappy at work they thought caregiving 24/7 would be easier!! Also pay more??!)

It can feel overwhelming. So firstly, what do you want?

Does she have other mental illnesses? How long has she been acting up? 2 yrs? 5 yrs? Longer?
You can't keep going the way you are. You must get her to Doctor to have check up & go from there. Get Dr's office to call you on phone. Put it on speaker so she can here that they need her to come in on "x" day at "x" time.
YOU cannot give up rest of your life for this BS!
You need to work-to run-to live.
What is the financial picture? When did your Dad pass?
Who cares what she wants?! This is about her basic needs being met & NOT at the expense of your physical & emotional-mental decline.
Do not feel guilty. Call Doc tomorrow. Get the ball rolling...
Tell her how it's going to go down.
Do you need to sell her house soon for $ to sustain her?
I would say she has Dementia & more.. but I am not a Doctor...

What made you believe that you had to leave your job and do your mother’s caregiving full time? How will you provide for your own future if you try to keep this up? If you’re here to vent that’s fine, what you’re doing is beyond hard. But if you’re ready to change the situation and not do this anymore, let the group here know that and good advice will come your way. Please know your health and future matter too

What i did for the evaluation appt was tell my dad the doctor just wants to ask him some questions about a physical condition.
He also doesn't know he has dementia.
For the brain scan, I told him a bone density test.