My mother moved in with me on May 17th after living with my sister for a year after her stroke. My mom has diabetes, CHF, COPD, heart problems, is legally blind and can't hear well at all. There are 4 siblings in our family, only which 2 are accountable for my mom. My sister is way out there and my brother is also married to someone way out there. My younger sister and I are the only ones available to give care to my mom. Our husbands have been very supportive in bringing our mom into our homes. My sister and I live total oppisite ends of the map...her way East and myself West.

My sister would call us and let us know how difficult it was caring for my mother but it didn't register until she came to live with me. I've been reading some of the other posts realizing the feelings I've been having are not only my own. I love my mother to death and would die making her happy, but nothing makes her happy. She was just recently diagnosed with early stages of Dementia and she is always so bitter and negative. She tells everyone that we are taking her money, whereas we were always the ones growing up taking care of her and she trusted us with every bone in her body. My mother has always been babied, by her brothers and by her children. We are now paying for this as she thinks it is our right to take care of her. We always told each other that my mom would never go to a nursing home as long as we had roofs over our heads. We are trying to keep that promise. She makes life so miserable for herself and therefore spreads the sourness to me. I try to please her but nothing makes her happy. I am getting bitter. I workout four days a week at 6:30 am so that my husband and son can watch my mom for me until I get home at 8 to take my son to school, but that's my whole life. She sleeps all day long therefore she is up all night long. I just recently started sleeping in my bed with my husband because she gets up to go potty 3-10 times a night. I can't sleep during the day and I am up 3-10 times during the night. I am starting to feel like a zombie. We are in higher elevations so my mom requires oxygen 24/7 and she blames me for bringing her here. She won't wear her C-pap at night for her sleep apnea and sometimes takes her oxygen mask off at night while she is sleeping unknowingly. Her stats go way down to the 60's. She is always complaining about how she wants to die and it gets old. I ask her why she can't enjoy the time she's been given on this Earth... always a negative turn on it.
I am starting to hate myself for being a horrible daughter. I don't feel like I show my mom the affection I should. I just can't stand to be talked down to and yelled at when she see's fit. I am starting to not like hanging with my mom. Then there are times she can be so sweet. I know this has to be hard for her, but I am falling apart. I really just needed to air. I have read so many posts of people going thru the same. What an awful disease. I pray to God every day for the strength and patience to care for my mom. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one feeling what I feel... although the guilt kills me. I pray for all of you going thru this and that God would give us the tools we need to get thru this and make our parents stay with us a pleasant one.

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Thank you all for responding. It felt like I was the only one in this situation. I'm not happy you are in my situation, but it sure feels good to know I am not going crazy and feeling these things all by myself. I hate to see my mom go thru this after the role model of strength she has always showed us I guess it is my turn to be strong and do whatever I can to help her. I feel your pain and pray that we all find strength in God to help us get the support and peace we are all searching for in ourselves as caregivers and our family members as the patients, for they didn't ask for this. Just life and it is what it is! Thanks again for all your supportive feedback.
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I am in the same situation as you, only I care for a MIL. As of next week, she will have lived here 1 full year, except for a short 4 1/2 week break where my husband's sister took her, but on Martin Luther King Day was told to get over there in 30min or her things will be out in the snow. No lie. All her things were piled up in the snow/driveway with MIL in door crying. We came as fast as we could, but that's what my husband's sister will do, she won't take it.
Every once in a while, she will take her for a weekend or a day to just get out, big money disappears in the form of checks being written and cashed. My MIL has written out a check for $1900 to pay for a grandson's bad debt. Gave $700 another time to cover car repairs for MIL's daughter. Another time takes another $700 to cover car insurances. So whenever an offer comes in to pick her up - it's about daughter wanting money. Last time she kept her, daughter demanded keys to MIL's car - it was given free and clear to her, even though we had been keeping it stored in the garage with a battery charger on it. My car sat outside, so her car could sit in this winter, spring, and now just gone. No offer to buy it, so money could be put into her account to take care of her. Nope. Then had the nerve to ask mom for a check to transfer the title & pay any fees involved That burnt me royal!

Here I care for her, NEVER take her money or ASK for money - but now that MIL is dishing out large sums to a daughter that truly does NOTHING for her - that's it. I feel my sanity has reached it's end, where I am reaching out, trying to find a caretaker that will come into our home and watch her so I can work.
I feel your pain that your mother says you steal her money, I get that too. She is from the depression era where you hide it in increments all over her room, dont keep it in the bank - have so much in the home where you can have cash when needed but tell everyone you don't have any. It's weird.
She is in the beginnings of Alzheimer's where we float in and out of good days/bad days. Are you experiencing this?
One doctor prescribed alprazolam to help with the anxiety while my geriatric doctor feels that this is not a good choice because it can make a patient unbalanced, dizzy, a fall risk, which she already is. He has recommended namenda - but doesn't want to contradict what her family doctor has said - so I am in undecided on what to do there.
What , if any meds, is your mom on?
The same promise was made by both son and daughter to my MIL, that as long as we had a home, it was her home too. We would not put her into a nursing home which she is so afraid of.
Yes, my MIL goes to the bathroom several times in the night, & wears urinary pads because she not always makes the bathroom. Gross part, she feels they are expensive, so she will wash, wring out in the toliet, leave on side of bathtub to dry. When she found out I was throwing them out anyway, she will hide in her bedroom and it stinks!!
Yes, my MIL wants and cries to die, if she is forced to live like this. Heavens - at least here, she still has independence and not forced to eat their food, at their time, showered when they say, and most stories being told - not the kindest place to be. She hates me, feels I am taking away certain liberties. Yes, she can no longer make a pot of coffee, as she forgets & has put in double water, or forgets filter, etc. Can't run the microwave anymore, puts in 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds or worse. So I unplug now, so she can't use. Can't pour a cup of coffee for herself now, too weak to hold the coffee pot to pour, scalded her arm.
She wasn't this bad when first coming, she is deteriorating before our eyes, it's so sad. She lashes out, cusses me, tell lies and hurtful accusations that make me hurt & cry. If I get a decent nights sleep, I can handle her better, let the things roll off - but I still remember the words. Is that how you feel, too? The mean things are directed at you - and it's hard not to let it hurt your feelings right?
Don't hate yourself, applaud yourself for the sacrifices being made. Pray. Seek avenues where you can get away & get your thoughts together.
But begin to look into areas where your mom will be going if you can't find the strength to continue or if she needs too much medical care that you can't handle. Don't wait, begin now.
Hugs to you, I feel your exhaustion and pain. This is a place to vent with many great people here that will offer you terrific advice.
You are not alone. Keep going with the workouts - do something that makes you happy, whether a walk, visit a store, get your hair done, nails, you name it. DO IT! Don't forget YOU.
Helpful Answer (1)

Why, oh why, do we see this so much? "We always told each other that my mom would never go to a nursing home as long as we had roofs over our heads. We are trying to keep that promise."

If a loved one has diabetes do we say, "She'll never become insulin-dependent as long as there is good food in my refigeraor"? If a loved one has Parkinson's do we say "I've promised him he'll never be in a wheelchair"?

Why on earth would we say, without knowing at all what the future holds, "I'm closing off one possible option that may be best without even considering it" ?

I truly just don't get it.

I have told my family and my husband with dementia that I will always do everything in my power to see that he has the best care possible until he dies AND THAT MAY SOMEDAY INCLUDE PLACEMENT. I hope it doesn't. I hope I can continue to care for him at home as I have for 9 years, but I am not cutting off any options in advance. I have seen the progression of the disease so far and I have seen beyond this point among other persons with dementia at my support group. I like to think that I am loving and good and strong. But to think that I can handle absolutely anything the disease throws at us is just plain unrealistic arrogance. Why should my loved one suffer from my arrogance?

CarmenP, I surely don't know whether placement in a good care center is the best solution for your mother, or whether you can make adjustments and make in-home care work best. And it is probably too soon for you to know.

BUT, please, please don't automatically refuse to consider ALL options for your mother's safe and comfortable care.

As a diabetic I hoped I could manage the disease through lifestyle changes or maybe through oral medications. Now that I'm insulin dependent I am very grateful that option is available to me. Sometimes the thing we want most to avoid is exactly what we eventually need.

Try to stay open to all options.
Helpful Answer (2)

My heart goes out to you as you are feeling the same way many of us here do with respect to all that goes into caregiving. It is good that you are venting here and you will find so many in the same boat. The feelings you have are so common and nothing to feel badly about. Your mom has changed due to the dementia and illnesses and that is not her fault. And you are having feelings you never experienced before and that is not your fault either. It all goes with the territory.

I took care of my MIL for close to two years and my mother is in a nursing home. I've learned and am still learning that guilt serves no purpose; other than making us depressed. You are a wonderful and loving daughter so don't ever forget that. We all do the best we can and just know it is difficult to be on the receiving end of our elderly parents unhappiness, bitterness, meanness, etc.

There are wonderful nursing homes out there and often it needs to be the next step; especially when your own mental and physical health is declining. Somehow, God does give us the strength if we truly believe. But, that doesn't make it any easier. Hugs to you and take care.
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