Give them what they want-really?

I’m sorry for your loss Stitchintime but I’m glad you know you did all you could for him. Love doesn’t come any stronger than that.
Charlotte

stitchintime9: I am so sorry for your loss and I am sending you deepest condolences. I am wrapping my arms ((( ))) around you from afar.



John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.

I would take seriously the doctor's advice, since he is a doctor. If the person was much younger, then altering behavior would be of value. At this point lifestyle changes are not making much of a difference. This is an adult, so it is not your responsibility to monitor or change their behavior. How would you react if I told you that you can't have that candy. You are allowed to make bad choices. I know it's hard to see someone you care about make negative choices, but they have the right. Please relax and take care of yourself and put that ice cream down!

Stitch- I am sorry, I couldn't say more than Teri already did.

Stitchintime9, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. But your attitude and way of thinking are correct. Thank you for letting us know. I pray for strength for you through the grieving process.

I think there are compromises to be maid there are some very good sugar free cookies and brownies ..candies. ( or no sugar added stuff) Almost all diabetics cheat to some degree. As for the smoking .. Id still try to limit it

No Advice in this post, I just wanted to let you all know that my husband passed away in the hospital at 9:45 last night. He was rushed there on Weds. morning after the nursing home nurses found him unresponsive. He slowly began slipping away from us from that point on. Although I am heartbroken, I can rest assured that he is with our Heavenly Father and I will join him one day. Thanks to all of you for your friendship and advice. God Bless you and I pray that each of you can find the answer to your problems being a caregiver to a loved one.

I can't recommend the smoking, but some of the medical programs on dementia I've listened to/watched said that, in the later stages of some dementias, a) sweet was sometimes all that the patient could taste, and b) getting calories of any sort into the patient becomes more difficult.

Nicotine lozenges worked for my mom. Yes, she's been on them for 8 years now, but she's 86 and its better than smoking. When she tells me she doesn't miss smoking at all as she pops the nicotine mint, I just smile and agree that it is great. Considering that she started smoking when she was 14 it actually is.

I would never live with a smoker. If it's not the cigarettes they will obsess over something else. You have to put your own health and safety first.

to She1934 regarding enrolling your husband in Medicaid. You need to set up a consultation with a good Elder lawyer, that specializes in filing for Medicaid. I had my husband in a nursing home in AR and after meeting with the lawyer, was advised to move him over to a TX facility. The reason being, I stood a much better chance of getting full Medicaid coverage for him. That way I am allowed to keep the small income we have from Soc. Sec. and also no one but me can touch his retirement fund. We are still waiting for the results but lawyer has had very good results doing this and feels we have a 99% chance of getting the full coverage, but it take 45 days from the day of filing. In the meantime we found a nursing home that admitted him under "Medicaid pending" and that way we have to pay no fees. They will get the back pay once Medicaid kicks in. He is getting wonderful care and they have lots of activities and some field trips for those residents able to participate. The attorney will advise you on what papers, etc. you will need. The attorney fee is a bit pricey but worth every penny because they do all the leg work. We also had our choice of which TX facility to transfer him to. Hope this helps, as I know how you feel trying to redirect attention to something other than what hubby wants. Thank the Lord my husband quit smoking in 1985 after years and years of smoking 3 plus packs a day. Your being able to obtain the Medicaid will depend on your assets, income, etc. Good luck and saying prayers for you.

How old were his parents when they died? - if in 70's he is on borrowed time but if in 90's then he needs to maximize his time

Family history is so important - I went to university with a guy who said that no male in 5 generations had lived past 52 [all heart problems] - he wasn't going to do any  pension but was hoping to be shot in bed by a jealous husband - not the greatest long term profile - I always hoped that he would have a minor procedure & be proven wrong [given how medical progress has gone now a days ... because wouldn't that proven him wrong]

Kris the Fin is a great idea, and there are a lot of them out there, many under $5. They come with some nicotine loaded in them,but once it runs out the "light" still works. Just having something that looks and feels like a cig works for many

I haven't read through all the answers so don't know if this has been suggested and don't know if it is economically feasible. Nicotine gum might be a way to reduce the actual smoking. Last time I bought it the stuff was expensive but cigs are too. It will definitely curb the need to light up so often.

My 85-year-old dad started coming in the house with a lit cigarette, which I absolutely will not abide, so I got him an e-cig - the brand name is Fin. It looks just like a real cigarette. He resisted it for a long time, but as his dementia progressed, and I took possession of the lighter, and he forgot a cigarette even has to BE lit, so then he finally started using it. It is fine outside or in. That thing has been a godsend for us.

Trying to make a person cease nicotine is going to be practically impossible. It can be done, but the person must want to stop.

Dear She, It sounds like his dementia is also including some paranoia and fears.
I suggest it is time to start getting things in order for a memory care or nursing home.
It may become too difficult for you to handle. My father had dementia, lived alone, and at Christmas came to a family Christmas Eve party with a machete strapped to his waist.
Finally in April we had to place him in a nursing home because none of us could get him to do anything-not bathe, not stop buying things, not pay his bills. He got moreand more delusional and paranoid, needed medication to reduce his fear and anxiety.
There are ways to protect some assets and still get Medicaid for long term care.
I hope you are able to get some things done as it only gets more bizarre and complicated. You have to take care of yourself too.
Hugs

Yes, that's how we play it at our home. We choose our battles carefully and his junk food eating isn't one worth fighting. Even at 69, he can eat what he likes just as he has done his entire adult life. He'd be miserable on a restricted diet and so would everyone around him. Thankfully, he's not a smoker so we don't have to fight that battle. We also don't fight over any medical procedure that isn't worth fighting for. For instance, His dentures are a bit loose but he refuses to go to the dentist and we're not dragging him to the dentist, by force. The results would only be a day of torture for all of us and all we'd get out of it, is a new set of dentures that he would then refuse to wear. After 15 years of this we've learned to let a lot of things go. My goal is to give him as peaceful and joy filled a life as I can for as long as I can.

My moms doc said he wasn’t worried that she would go blind or lose a limb in the time she has left meaning: she will die before she has any serious issues with high blood sugar levels.
However, i wouldn’t allow him to run me ragged with his demands. I think a degree of reasonableness is necessary for both sides or he may make you crazy keeping him happy.

wow, what great answers. When I saw your question, She1934, I never even imagined the severity of the issues you were facing. Makes me feel lucky that my mom quit smoking 26 years ago. She is now 88. She sounds reasonable compared to some of the issues that many here are facing. Definitely diminishing cognitive capacity, which we are currently not treating due to the side effects of the meds. We're seeing the neuropsychologist this week, however, and will revisit this decision. I'm currently staying with her (I live 11 hrs away) for the summer (I was able to work out teaching for my university online) but will have to return home in mid-Aug. My sibs won't help, and Mom is in AL. But we all know that AL assistance is limited.

Got on a tangent. Here's how/why my mom quit smoking: my younger brother, who is severely disabled, was still living with her. He is now in a group home. She had home caregivers coming in to help get him up, in bed, and in the bath. One day she saw a cigarette size (full length) burn on the carpet. Had to be her, but she never admitted it. No one else lived there. All she could think was, "how could I get Steve out if the house started on fire????!!!!" She quit smoking right away.

The research on persuading people to change health behaviors does show that appeals to the safety of loved ones are more likely to impact people than are appeals to one's own safety. Is there anyone else in the family that your dad would care for enough to modify his behavior? Never worked with my dad -- he died at 58. But it did work with Mom. Praying for you!

Once again, I am impressed with the thoughtful and supportive comments here, and it has eased my concerns. I probably won't try vaping, as I do not trust the whole thing, but I appreciate the suggestion. I do plan to look for an apron. Just like many of you, I question my judgement. Thank you.

Has he tried vaping? It will allow him to get his nicotine without endangering anyone else.

Once again, I am impressed with the thoughtful and supportive comments here, and it has eased my concerns. I probably won't try vaping, as I do not trust the whole thing, but I appreciate the suggestion. I do plan to look for an apron. Just like many of you, I question my judgement. Thank you.

I will just chime in here, let him do what he wants in moderation. I don't know why, have been told its immediate gratification, but it seems people with brain damage crave sweets. The smoking does surprise me. My Dad was a chain smoker and when he had a valve replaced and 3 bypasses, he was told smoking would ruin everything the doctor did. My Dad stopped cold turkey.

I found the first thing to go with Dementia is reasoning and processing of information. Trying to reason with a Dementia patient is a lost cause. They also don't process what you are saying correctly. Let him enjoy these things. As his desease progresses, he may not be asking for these things anymore. He will go thru different stages.

If he hasn't tried it yet, vaping might at least cut back on the fire hazard. Then, you don't buy the cigarettes and they aren't in the house. Cutting back on the vape might be easier. Just a thought.

I’d like to echo what the others have advised. Please, please be extra vigilant when he smokes. A few years ago, our neighbor’s house burned to the ground due to his careless smoking. He didn’t make it out. The other neighbors and I were on the front lines, standing there helpless listening to him and his wife call for help, trapped in the house.

My husband has congestive heart failure and even though I don’t buy cartons of cigarettes for him any longer, I do buy the occasional pack for him. I know he occasionally smokes during the night, as he’s already called me at 3AM to find a dropped, lit cigarette.

I agree with the doctor. If he wants a cheeseburger for breakfast, give it to him. It’s just easier that way.

Yes, I was told the same thing but about foods.

I can tell you this - when I tried to go "healthy" with my DH, he quit eating! I finally got him eating again and this time I let him have whatever he wanted.

My mother was in her mid 80's and the Dr. kept pushing her to eat more potassium rich foods. Just have her eat 12 almonds a day. We tried for a few weeks and she just wasn't interested. Finally bought her Hershey's dark chocolate kisses with Almonds and we could at least tell the Dr. she was having a few almonds a day. Maybe not the way the Dr. wanted but Mom was happy.

I agree with the doctor. The battle simply isn't worth the stress. The man is 83 & has no desire to stop smoking. If it were my husband, I would let him smoke but under supervision so he doesn't burn the house down. I have seen some good suggestions here with regard to a fire proof apron, asking him to try an e-cig vs the real deal ... Perhaps you could interest him in something to busy his hands such as adult coloring books (my friend does this and she finds it amazingly relaxing). Maybe some sugar free hard candies to suck on to satisfy his sweet tooth and satisfy his oral fixation.

This is a very helpful thread to me. I feel I pushed for all the wrong things prior to my Dad’s demise. Now, with my Mom, I want to make better, more sensitive choices. Mom is tough one, since her discomfort is more emotional than physical. It may not be possible to give her what she wants...what she wants is all gone from this world except for myself and there is a limited supply of “me”. But I can perhaps avoid some of what she simply does NOT want, at least.