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My dh gave my dad who has LBD money this week. I have asked him time and time again not to. Dad wants to go home so asks for money to take the bus. Of course he misplaces the money or it gets stolen and then he gets aggressive and violent at the thought he was robbed. This leads to over medicating with seroquel or god forbid Haldol. It is hard enought to stay on top of visits and his meds to keep him comfortable and now I am waiting for a phone call to say that dad has lost his money and needs to be sedated..bound to happen. I have Dad in one home and Mom in another home with alz. I am at my wit's end trying to make people understand how stressful this is. Have any others had this experience and how and if has it been resolved. And yes, the thought of committing my DH to a third nursing home has crossed my mind. i'm very discouraged and saddened. I'm also exhausted from trying to prevent blow ups at the home.
thank you.

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Oh, my, I got teary reading this. You really have your hands full. It would certainly be easier to have everyone in the same nursing home (I had three at one time). You must be run ragged.

My solution to my dad's wanting money came down to me making him "business cards" to keep in his pocket. A lot of experimentation went into this including giving him money (not good), giving him an expired credit card and other things I don't even remember. But the business cards helped. He gave them out to anyone he thought he should pay. This won't work for everyone, but it's worth a try.

Haldol. Hmmm. My memories of when they tried that after my dad's brain surgery still bring anger when I allow it. It made him paranoid and frightened. For him, it was an awful drug. I hope some solution can help you with this for your sake as much as for his.
Take care,
Carol
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One idea about the money would be to give your dad play money (like Monopoly money). No one would want to steal it (you could even write his name on it). Or make copies of regular money and give him that and put his name on it. But if he loses it, it might still cause a meltdown. Could you give him a brightly colored wallet to keep the play money in? I don't have a loved one with dementia, so if this would just make things worse, ignore these suggestions.

Is there a way you can get both of your folks in the same facility? I had my mom in independent living and my dad in skilled nursing in the same facility for 3 months and it ran me ragged. I can't imagine having people in two separate facilities. A big hug to you for all you're dealing with. You have to have the patience of Job to keep it all together.
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Maybe you need to put a note in your DH's wallet to remind him not to give dad money. (wrap it around the bills.) If he's like mine, he won't remember that he's not supposed to!
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Thank you for your replies. Dad is cognizant enough to know the difference between real money and play money, which is a problem. We are strongly advised to not give any money to patients in the lock down unit he is in because of the tendency for the other patients to "shop". It leads to difficult moments. He can not even have toothpaste unless it is locked down because it can be eaten by other patients. My mother who is in a separate nursing home can have money through the bank account system in small increments but she is in a different type of ward and home.

I do thank you very much for the suggestion of business cards. That could be a very good solution. Dad always had business cards for work and he may like the idea of just handing out his card and telling whomever to call that number and they will take care of the bill. I'm sure staff is used to accepting this and it may make him feel independant while not risking theft and the fallout. It is so important to maintain their dignity and I know how hard it must be to always be the recipient of treats and not be able to tip or treat in a generation who had the finanacial means and the habit of doing so. Thank you again Carol and all of you for your suggestions. I feel much better,

TC
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The NH has a system of 'bank accounts' for the residents. You could put a nominal amount of money in it so he can have money for a haircut at the facility, or snacks from the vending machine. Then just top up the funds periodically.
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Blannie thank you for your comments. I am awaiting for a spot to open up so both my parents can be together. There is a shortage of rooms here in Canada and since they went "down" one after the other over a period of 6 months it was impossible to get them rooms in the same place. Add to that the different stages of dementia they are at. Mother is suppose to be next on the list waiting to get into Dad's. We just have to wait for someone else to "depart" sadly for another family. I am keeping my fingers crossed as winter will make it difficult to bring her to see him and to travel back and forth to both. Fingers crossed at this end. Thanks again for taking the time to give me your input.. TC
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My FIL always carried an envelope of money in his front shirt pocket. It was very hard for him to give that up. I absolutely love the suggestion about business cards. wish I had heard of that one when we were weaning FIL of the money pocket. Sounds like a really creative idea!
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