I am getting to the point I may have to put Mom in a facility. Any advise, words of wisdom etc?

Staceyb! I have 3 brothers...none are close but and pretty much have said do what you think is best. Works for me. Interestingly enough...the place she was at for respite care for the 4 days called today, they said she was well liked by the staff and the residents were asking about her! Honestly, I loved the place. I would stay there myself (not yet!). So I think it is worth tell her about what they said and sending her there again for another stay to get used to being there.

I hope all goes well with your FIL. And I hope your husband gets better soon. Please take care of yourself!!

Logan, never feel guilty for having your own feelings! You just might have come to the end of being able to manage her on your own, and that isn't nessesarly a bad thing, as you tried your best! I know that my husband and I are right where you are, and we've been at this 13 years, caring for his Dad in our home.

One person doing all the work, is almost impossible, as you do lose your sense of self!

No, you cannot let her consume your life! You must be in your 60's, and coming up on your own retirement age, and these are very important years towards you preparing financially for the best in that, so I think if you can find her a good Nursing home, where your siblings will come to see her, and you can get on with reconnecting with your life, family and friends, it would probably be the best case scenario for everybody.

Do you have caregivers, coming in while you are away at work during the day?

Does your Mom have a Narcissistic personality, as it does sound like she does have some tendencies toward that, with her lack of appreciation and her thinking that you are plotting against her. With her using tactics of FOG = Fear, Obligation and Guilt, she may fit the bill. I notice that your other siblings didn't "step up", and want to help, or offer you assistance in her care, perhaps they have already figured this out, and have set up their own "boundries", as children of Narcissistslearn to do. Think about that.

You don't owe her your life, you do owe her a safe and caring place to live, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be with you!

I hope you find the peace you are seeking.
So, Continue to read here on the AC board, as there are many people in your same shoes, Me included, who are learning the way out of being the Only ones who take on the responsibility of the caregiving of their parents. It shouldn't only be on you, and there are other resources out there to help you through this!

Keep reading, and researching a way, to get your life back! You can do this! Good luck!

Logan, I would also be annoyed. How is it that only YOU are the one who "owes" your mother servitude?

Don't sacrifice yourself at the altar of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Value yourself, and make plans for her to live somewhere else.

I hired a local company who specializes in elder care, in helping families take care of their elderly loved ones. They are full of contacts and resources, helped to set up tours of facilities etc. I continue to find them an invaluable resource in helping me take care of my Mom.

I want to thank you all for listening, ideas and lending an ear. It does help a lot!!

Logan, I definitely know how hard it is, but you've got to put your foot down! You are too young to be saddled with a 91 year old Mom, living in your home! Especially with the way in which she treats you!

How many local siblings do you have, that can help you to look at Independent living places? I think its time to rally the troops and cry UNCLE!

They all recognized that she would be too demanding for them to manage, and it doesn't sound like they have stepped up to help you through this past year. But now, you need their help in getting Mom to recognize that she will probably even enjoy living in a nice place, umongst her peers, even if that is sitting in her own apartment, and going down for meals. Most older ladies will soon find out that they have been missing that sort of friendships, and will soon find her participating in the activities, its all in the way in which you SELL IT!

Even my FIL has aggreed to go and visit some senior living type places, unfortunately, he will probably end up in a nursing home. But I do know, that even as Narcissistic as he is, he can see the destruction he is leaving in his wake, and is realizing it's time. Hes not going to like it, but heck, he doesn't like anything, other than being able to push my husband around to do his bidding, and hubby is disabled himself! Bad backs, and picking him up off of the floor, aren't a good mix!

I'm praying here myself, that my husband doesn't give out before his Dad does!

Caregiving Sucks!

ZYTHR, The Original Poster said that this is a HER OR ME SITUATION, and the Mother here is 91. In my opinion, it seems that the OP has found suitable placement, that even She felt was nice and that treated her Mom very nice. She went so far as to say that even she would live at such a great place, when the time comes.

It doesn't get much better than that, so unless you plan on taking in all of the stay and ailing parents, I suggest you mind your own business! Sometimes it come to the place that you can no longer house them in your home. How long did you care for your ailing parents? Hmmm, afraid to answer that question? Well my husband and I have been housing my FIL for 13 years, try that and say that Your life hasn't been negatively affected! Try libing wkth a Narcissist, whom ylu cannot pleqse, no matter how hard you try. People, especially single people have to know when to Do the Right thing for all parties involved. The OP must think of their own lives, their health, their retirement needs, and that of other family members too! It isn't only one way, and I knits a very difficult decision to make, or else they wouldn't be on here seeking advice!

At 91, I'd like to think that the Mother in this case, would want their own Daughter, to live their life the best way possible. I think shes doing the best for all concerned.

Please, do not make people feel bad about their tough decisions! The've suffere enough!

maren, I hate those words, too. What the words "you owe me" say to me is "I'm a narcissist." I wouldn't be surprised that any parent that said that to a child had no part in taking care of their own parent. I think birth certificates should come with a Paid in Full stamp on them.

I just considered my mother's family. My grandmother died young (60) and my grandfather lived to 78. He lived next door to my uncle and his wife. My grandfather never drove, so my uncle would help him with food and things like that. Otherwise Granddad did fine until he had a heart attack and died hours later. My aunt and my mother had no part in taking care of him, but they both put a heavy claim that their daughters owed them. Why?? And why do daughters, but not sons, owe them? And how long does it take to repay this imaginary debt?

It was different back in the old days when people did not live long after they lost their health. Strokes and heart attacks were fatal. Few people lived long enough to get dementia. My mother has lived longer than any person in her family. She is now 30 years old than her mother was and 12 years older than her father was at their times of death. The last 15 years of her life have been lived in poor health. The last 7 years have been with my help. She may live 5-10 more years. So I have this huge ethical question for a child -- how much more of my life do I owe so she can sit in her pajamas and watch TV? That sounds like a harsh question, but it is a truthful one. If I consider that only she is important, then I owe her all the time in the world. If I consider myself as important, I know that I am not living in the right reality for me.

Logan, I can relate to your mother expecting the only daughter to step up (I'm an only daughter, also).

My mother brought her mother into our home, and it was very disruptive (the dining room was turned into her bedroom). My mother worked, and it was only a (short) matter of time that something else needed to be done because my grandmother was getting out and wandering. So she put her in a nursing home, and my grandmother didn't last long there (she broke her hip) before she died.

Logan, re reading your post. If the home where your mom was placed in respite, is a good place, and they liked her and missed her, I think your plan is a very good one. I don't want to sound callous, but I understand your position, and caregivers often pass before the loved one from stress.