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Sibling conflict on parental care. For the past 2 years my father has been declining. He shows multiple symptoms of Alzheimer's/dementia and is no longer taking care of himself. Doesn't bathe, doesn't eat, doesn't get out of bed, doesn't take meds, etc. He is under 100 lbs, hallucinating and falls quite frequently. I urged him to go into full time nursing care because even when I called him 4 times a day he did not take his meds, would not let me bathe him, would not give me poa and the doctors at the VA are not helpful in relaying to me what they are telling him and obviously I only get half the truth from him or complete fabrications of what he thinks they told him. Not to mention I work full time on a non-set schedule and live over 30 minutes away so I am unable to go to most of his appointments. My sister lived out of state for the past 3 years and I tried to tell her that he was declining rapidly and she needed to make time to see him as I did not know how long he had left. She brushed me off and only recently moved back to our hometown about 4 months ago. She saw him once after she had been back for almost 2 months and was shocked at how skinny and confused he was. After a recent fall he agreed to go to short term rehab and then agreed it was not safe to go home alone. I finally breathed a sigh of relief that I would not have to find my father dead on his apartment floor one day. He was somewhat settling in until a few days ago my sister took her two young sons to visit him as she apparently thought he would be back to his usual self. Needless to say he was not and she called me hysterical that she couldn't at least get a nice picture of him with the boys. I know that I have had a long time to grow accustomed to the end stages of my Father's life and have come to accept that I have done everything I could to get him back on his feet.


I cried many days about my feelings of helplessness and worries that he was dying. I even lost my boyfriend due to the stress of working full time and trying to navigate this new, unfamiliar and terrifying territory. I have learned to deal with my Father's mood swings and keep him mostly calm and I see how my sister is where I was mentally and emotionally a year and a half ago. The issue is, she told him that if he tried to get better and did everything the doctors said, she would let him move in with her when he lease is up. Now he is agitated and fighting with the staff at the nursing home and thinks he is just at the hospital for a fall and going home in a few days. Last year I also considered having him live with me, but he needs 24 hour care. It is not safe for him to be alone at anytime. I don't know how to make her understand that she is doing more harm by telling him this and causing herself undue stress as well. We are both not very financially stable and unable to keep up with his medical needs while working full time. Add in she has 2 kids under 5 years old and her boyfriend has 2 kids under 5 that all live together. I get that she feels guilty about him being in a nursing home but I did my research. It is one of the best places his insurance will provide and they provide good care.

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Does anyone have POA?

I think I would encourage your sister to spend time at the facility where dad lives right now, ideally several days running.

Approach her about her taking dad home Inn a calm and confident manner. 
" I know you'll be able to do this, sis. But you should really go and watch the aides care for dad so you can learn the professional techniques they use to bathe, change him, manage his meds and check to make sure he's not getting bedsores. And you should make sure that you watch the podiatrist trim his toenails. That needs to be done quite carefully."

Tell the social worker at the facility about what's going on. And then back off.
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Your sister is having a quilt trip for not being around when your Dad was going through the declining stages of dementia.
If she can ,she should take Dad home for a weekend visit with her four children to entertain him ,while she tries getting Dad to wash ,eat ,change of clothes & resting.
Reality will set in then-- your sister will be exhausted by the end of the weekend if not before.My opinion only.
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I think you need to be direct with your sister and say something like: "Moving dad out of the nursing home is a terrible idea because he's a fall risk and his dementia will get worse." It also will enable you to let your sister know that you will be unable to help her care for your dad on a daily basis. Give your sister some resources including books about caring for aging parents and people with dementia and Teepa Snow videos - you can find them on YouTube. If she can't handle talking about the realities of caregiving then she can't handle doing it. If everything falls on deaf ears, then back off.
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Also,have your sister sign up for Aging Care. It killed my heart not letting my dad move in with me, but i can see how much better care he got at the AL. I went everyday, and on weekends i'd bring him to my house and return him for dinner at the AL , He ended up falling when out with friends, and again that night at the AL...luckily his neighbor in the apt near him heard the fall and was able to get help, but if living alone, we would not have known. But I went everyday to his AL...I kept telling myself when i was tired after work, , enjoy him now and just love him, its not forever......Im glad i did because he passed away 6 mos later and my only regret is that i didn't do more...but he was safe...and i miss him so much..Its difficult to move them, but i made it as normal for him as possible. I didn't forget him. I saw him as much as i did when he was in his house.
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Great advice above, as always in this group. I would reiterate the importance of your sister going to the nursing home as much as she can at different hours of the day so that she can get a full dose of reality. At this stage, with your dad, it gets more difficult moving him around. My mom has lived with me for the past 5 years and it's just me and her. I don't know how anyone can deal with all the changes dementia brings to your world with young children in the household. It's really tough to have all that activity around someone with dementia. She definitely needs to educate herself through reading, video's, this forum or local support groups with people doing it, regular visits to the nursing home, anything and everything. It's not easy as all of us know here on this forum. But again, you can't make her understand, she has to be willing to take the time to educate herself. I had no idea what I was in for, but again, my children are grown and out of the house. It would be very difficult and unfair to move him out only to move him back into the nursing home. Best of luck to you, this one is a tough one. My heart goes out to you and your dad.
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It sounds as though your sister was trying to motivate your father to be compliant and work hard at his rehab. What she didn't consider was that he would take her encouragement literally, as a promise; that's where she went wrong.

Do you think she has formed a serious intention of bringing him home to live with her, in fact?
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Who has POA? If neither one of you has POA, you need to be the one to assume this role for your father since it is you who seems to have the concerns and knowledge of his needs. If your sister has more persuasion than you do, get your sister to talk to him on the phone and get him to consent to give you authority to be his POA or get an attorney to get the authority for you to manage his affairs. If Dad does not have the finances for a nursing home, get with the admin staff of the nursing home and apply for Medicaid. There should be someone on staff knowledgeable to walk you through the process. It is deep and tedious but you can do it. I know about this because I went through all of this. My heart goes out to you because I sat where you are sitting. I had my dad home with me for six years. He fell, broke his hip, went into rehab, and his
Alzheimer's got worse and I couldn't afford to pay for nursing care in or out of the home. My dad wouldn't give me POA initially, either. My sister talked to him on the phone and convinced him to agree to sign the papers. Thank goodness, because it enabled me to advocate for him and assist him. You need outside help. You cannot go this alone. I understand the guilt, but his safety is at issue. I feel less guilty now that he has been in the home for 8 months because I faithfully visit him three days a week, talk with all of his doctors and nursing staff and therapists, and I bring him meals to supplement the food and buy him snacks. He has adjusted nicely now that he knows I will regularly see him and take him out for a meal once a week. Please don't feel guilty, although that is how I felt for quite a while. I know that he is safe now and that I can have a life, too. I understand your feelings. I want to offer you support and encouragement. It is very hard. He needs the services of a home. That is in his best interest. Visit him frequently and let him know he is loved and cared about. Both of you will feel better when this occurs. I wish the best for you and your sister.
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If you lost your "boyfriend" because of this, he was not worth keeping. He is not husband material. Shame on him! You will find a better one who is a man, not a boy
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Agreed. My sister had to spend a week taking care of Dad to understand his needs. Sounds like neither of you can provide the kind of support he needs at your homes and rather than go crazy trying, you should team up to support and monitor him in AL.
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If he's got memory care needs with the appropriate qualifying problems, then what I would first do is get the APS involved as well as an eldercare lawyer, but call the lawyer first to secure all of any assets he owns. After everything is secured, then give the APS a call or have your eldercare lawyer do it for you. Perhaps the lawyer can step in and speed up the process of getting your dad the right help he really needs. Explain to your lawyer though that you know about predatory abusive guardianship and what goes on in some of the homes out there and that you only want the best for your dad without him being abused. I'm sure your lawyer will understand and will help get your dad into a safe reliable facility. At first I was going to suggest hiring him some round the clock in-home healthcare or having someone move in with him until I found out he had Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's will definitely worsen as it's been said to do but you may also want to look into where he may be deficient. I later realized my foster dad must've been deficient since much to my surprise he was thinner than I expected, just like you're describing of your dad. Certain nutritional deficiencies can rob the brain of vital nutrients, causing it to malfunction, so what I would do is have a special test run on him to see where his needs are. One good start to bring him back closer to normal is to start with boost and ensure to help replace lost nutrients. This is a very good start in the right direction. You might also look into coconut oil, which has been discovered to actually improve symptoms of dementia and Alzheimer's. I wish I only knew before my foster dad declined to the point of having fallen prey to the courts and now he's at someone else's mercy, something he never wanted. I don't know if he knows still got rights, he really does though some people may try to block them or suppress them through threats, abuse and discouragement. I never knew until recently that wants someone gets guardianship or conservatorship over you that you have the right to replace that person for a new one or have it completely removed.

Be very careful, there are some sad stories of some people having their door kicked in and then being physically dragged out of their homes and into a facility, and a good many of them don't even need to be there. I must warn you that it's mostly those with money and assets will become targets. I heard a sad story about a 90 something-year-old woman who was home alone on the phone at the time the cops made a surprise visit and busted in her door with a battering ram. She was on the phone at the time and was trying to call the cops about an attempted break-in, only to find out the cops were the ones breaking in! She was physically dragged out of her home and taken by force to a facility. I think she owned her home and when you're forcefully take them to a facility against your will, it's been said more times than not they end up drugging you right after arrival. If you refuse, they force a shot on you and the drugs are supposed to either knock you out or incapacitate you while vultures make their move on your money and assets.

This is exactly why I urge you to first get an eldercare lawyer involved and make sure that any wills and other legal protections cannot be thrown aside and overturned by those "special courts". Be very careful, especially now that your dad needs help. Call your state bar association and get the best lawyer possible because you need it right now
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