Sibling conflict on parental care. For the past 2 years my father has been declining. He shows multiple symptoms of Alzheimer's/dementia and is no longer taking care of himself. Doesn't bathe, doesn't eat, doesn't get out of bed, doesn't take meds, etc. He is under 100 lbs, hallucinating and falls quite frequently. I urged him to go into full time nursing care because even when I called him 4 times a day he did not take his meds, would not let me bathe him, would not give me poa and the doctors at the VA are not helpful in relaying to me what they are telling him and obviously I only get half the truth from him or complete fabrications of what he thinks they told him. Not to mention I work full time on a non-set schedule and live over 30 minutes away so I am unable to go to most of his appointments. My sister lived out of state for the past 3 years and I tried to tell her that he was declining rapidly and she needed to make time to see him as I did not know how long he had left. She brushed me off and only recently moved back to our hometown about 4 months ago. She saw him once after she had been back for almost 2 months and was shocked at how skinny and confused he was. After a recent fall he agreed to go to short term rehab and then agreed it was not safe to go home alone. I finally breathed a sigh of relief that I would not have to find my father dead on his apartment floor one day. He was somewhat settling in until a few days ago my sister took her two young sons to visit him as she apparently thought he would be back to his usual self. Needless to say he was not and she called me hysterical that she couldn't at least get a nice picture of him with the boys. I know that I have had a long time to grow accustomed to the end stages of my Father's life and have come to accept that I have done everything I could to get him back on his feet.
I cried many days about my feelings of helplessness and worries that he was dying. I even lost my boyfriend due to the stress of working full time and trying to navigate this new, unfamiliar and terrifying territory. I have learned to deal with my Father's mood swings and keep him mostly calm and I see how my sister is where I was mentally and emotionally a year and a half ago. The issue is, she told him that if he tried to get better and did everything the doctors said, she would let him move in with her when he lease is up. Now he is agitated and fighting with the staff at the nursing home and thinks he is just at the hospital for a fall and going home in a few days. Last year I also considered having him live with me, but he needs 24 hour care. It is not safe for him to be alone at anytime. I don't know how to make her understand that she is doing more harm by telling him this and causing herself undue stress as well. We are both not very financially stable and unable to keep up with his medical needs while working full time. Add in she has 2 kids under 5 years old and her boyfriend has 2 kids under 5 that all live together. I get that she feels guilty about him being in a nursing home but I did my research. It is one of the best places his insurance will provide and they provide good care.