Follow
Share

Mom has always been very appreciative of my 24/7 care, I am also an RN and work full time weekends. Mom wants to leave me the house. I have 3 living siblings who are concerned it would not be finacially fair to them, FAIR..define that to a caregiver. She has some $ now but it may not last leaving them 0. Mom is perfectly OK with that, my sis is absolutely Not. She said its Not a $ issue, just Not fair issue. Words cannot convey the day in the life of a cregiver. It is not the same as a visit 1x yearly for 1-2 weeks. She cannot get that and feels I am a monster for agreeing to let Mom do this, as if i had any say so. She feels I have made mother make this decision which is so not true. I am grateful mom knows and she feels good about her decision to give me more. Thank you mom for understanding, wish sis did.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Alzcaregiver, If they aren't with the Lord walking with Him now he won't pay them any attention anyway until they call on His name and He will say go away I never knew thee.

Easier said than done but drop it It isn't worth the stress leave them to their own devices seems they think its working for them, Be happy knowing you have a good heart , clear conscience and get closer to the Lord he is with you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Too late for me. Mom was dx'd with Alzheimers before the two deadbeat sisters showed their true colors. Actually, I don't think it dawned on Mom to do anything other than split the estate 4 ways, even knowing their evil ways. So that's how the will stands.

When the two evil ones were still talking to me, they'd yell at me for spending too much of Mom's (ooppss, THEIR) money on her care. You know in movies where someone says to an evildoer who is getting away with it, "May the Lord have mercy on your soul." Gee is that corny or what? I don't know how many times I say that in my head at the behavior of those two....and their wlling "toadies." One sister gets her daughter and her grandson to do her dirty work for her. May the Lord have...oh heck with it. Lord, don't even bother.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Send your sister a bill for your hours of care minus her " Fair Share". Guaranteed she will owe you money.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

THAT IS VERY NICE OF YOUR MOM, AND IF SHE IS OF SOUND MIND AS CAROL STATED HAVE IT DONE ASAP.. THE STATE LAWS CHANGE ALMOST EVERY DAY. I TOOK CARE OF MOMMIE OVER 12EARS. THE ALZHEIMER'S TOOK OVER IN 2001, SO THE POWER OF DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY HELPED ME OUT, GET THINGS IN ORDER, PLEASEE GET THINGS IN ORDER AS SOON AS YOU CAN. THE FAMILY COMES OUT OF THE WOOD WORK.YOU SOUND AS A CARING DAUGHTER AND YOUR MY APPRECIATES YOUR HELP. THE LAWYERS BACK IN 200 BEFORE MOM GOT SICK TOLD HERR TO PUT THE HOUSE IN MY NAME BEFORE SHE GOT SICK NEW YORK LAWS BACK THEN WHERE 2 YEARS NOW THEY ARE 5. BELL YOU AND CAROL CAN GIVE YOU VERY GOOD ADVICE. SHE HELPED ME OUT IN MY TIME OF NEED. PATRICIA61
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hi
I 'm the sole caregiver day to day and also my sister and brother also do their visit once a month for a couple hours and then they leave and I'm here with her alone to continue while they go back to their lives, and in the end my mom doesn't have much but a little bit of life insurance will probably only cover funeral costs maybe alittle leftover and I've wondered whats gonna happen if they'll demand their share. Mythinkiing is you deserve the bigger half and if you have the courage to stand up to them and say so go for it because from experience you do deserve more.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your mom REALLY needs to see an attorney and get the house thing settled. Is she OK mentally, as in no dementia? If your mom wants to leave you the house, be sure all your legal bases are covered. Be sure your siblings can't claim "undue influence" on your part and contest a will. Perhaps if your mom is serious about the house thing and you can afford taxes, etc, having her transfer the deed to your name now might be an option. You need some very good legal advice here.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If the house belongs to your Mom, it is her right who she leaves it too. However, she also has to recognised the legal issues involved and make a will and leave it to you legally.

I am sure you cared for her from your heart and she has recognised this, therefore, your siblings should also acknowledge the fact that it is your Mom's decision and that caring is a long standing issue, not a one-off thing, or "I will come visit, when I can find the time" thing.

Anyway Mother knows best and if she things you deserve it, than you do - end of discussion.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Your an angel to "let sis off the hook." I guess if she isnt bashing you and acccusatory, making snide remarks behind your back, and upset alrweady that a living great aunt wont be living her anything because she had to go to a nursing home, and worried about the $ from the get go, than i'd be having a relationship with her too. All i hear is what she Wouldd have done if...Unfortunately thats not the case here. You are an angel
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

my mother is narcissistic it is a see saw I take one day at a time and do not depend on or ask for anyones help I don't want it It only confuses the situation I let the chips fall where they may so to speak. It is enough dealing with her and her dramas, laziness and her pain whether real or imaginary I just wanted someone to listen to me that I thought would listen and care (sister) her only remark well she's been like that all her life she isnt going to change now. Well excuse me do I look stupid or something. I know that. but thats okay and I can handle it She will get back what she has given her mother over the years, My brother has given nothing he will get nothing They don't even want to come to her viewing so thats fine to we all have to answer to the Lord one day whether it be good or bad its up to us. I do the best I can Leave my mother alone so she can "enjoy" her self as she thinks she will never die actually my mother is so selfish she wouldn't even help me pay for my fathers funeral either did the siblings as they said it wasn't their business. Thats okay its only money won't be taking that with me either but this time things will be done differently I ordered their flowers for them so they wouldn't have to deal with it as they had to travel well their travel was worse than anything they have ever done in the whole world and could not afford to reimburse me thats fine. I'm over it this time they will be told the events and they can do as they please I know I will. Thanks for trying to help a helpless situation LOL but it really is okay I am okay with what I am doing and I know I am doing what is right and best for my mother whether or not I get along with her. I just do not play her games or plug myself into her energy ever she is always negative and its always towards me or my son She loves her children I am just an acquaintance that she doesn't like I am to much like my father and his mother I am told and thats too bad I don't see anyone else stepping up to the plate because there is no one else. She was never happy with anything and she never will be and I can't make her happy so there you have it. It is what it is. I am happy and live a full life and not one of them are going to pull me down. Thanks again have a good day.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Can your mom talk to them for you and make this suggestion that they help pay for the care? If not, then the next best thing is to let your mom make her own decisions in regards to the will, and inheritance. You need to have piece of mind that your doing the right thing, and you should be proud of your ability to give her the best care, you are a special person, and not all people can do what you are doing, including siblings!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

How do you get siblings to do this when they won't return your phone calls emails and tell you they are not interested?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It may help to put a value on your Caregiving. How much money would they pay a Caregiver if you were not available? What is the minimum wage in your state? that's a good starting point to figure this cost out. If you are paid a yearly salary for this care, by your siblings, or your loved one, then it would be fair to split the inheritence equally. This is rarely the case as the siblings do not understand how difficult it is to care for an ailing parent. Have your siblings do the research to find out how much you are saving them, and ask that they pay for professional care a few times a month, or more often, so you can have some respite to yourself, so your less likely to get burned out, or more frustrated with them..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

YES, STUFF IS JUST STUFF I HAVEN'T SEEN ONE PERSON TAKE IT WITH THEM AND TO ME IT MEANS JUST FOR STUFF TO DUST OF FIND A HOME FOR. GOD MADE PEOPLE FOR PEOPLE. TRY TO GET ALONG BUT WHEN YOU HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP WITH SIBLINGS THEY AREN'T INTERESTED, OR THEY ARE TO HURT FROM THEIR CHILDHOOD AND CAN'T SEEM TO DEAL WITH IT AND YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE DEALING WITH IT AND ALL THAT GOES WITH CAREGIVING THE STUFF IS JUST A NUSANCE. THEY WILL GET WHAT THEY GAVE TO THEIR MOTHER IF IT IS NOTHING THAN IT WILL BE NOTHING UNLESS SHE STATES OTHERWISE AS FOR ME I HAVE ENOUGH OF MY OWN STUFF AND I WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE TO PUT IT BACK OUT AND USE IT BUT EVERYTIME I DO ALL MY FAVORITES GET BROKEN SO I JUST GOT RID OF A LOT OF MY STUFF IF I CAN'T USE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE BOXED UP I GUESS I DON'T NEED THEM. WHEN MOTHER PASSES THERE WILL BE LOTS OF STUFF TO GO TO JUST NOT WITH HER. I DON'T CARE WHO GETS IT. I WILL THAN HAVE PEACE AND THATS ALL I CARE ABOUT. I AM GETTING WORN DOWN REALLY QUICKLY HURT ALL THE TIME LOST 22 LBS IN THREE WEEKS AND THE GAMES STILL CONTINUE I JUST DON'T PARTICIPATE ANYMORE. STILL IT IS STRESSFUL TO BE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE AND HAVE TO CONSTANTLY BE ON GUARD. NARCISSIM DOESN'T GENERATE GOOD MOMENTS SAD TO SAY. BUT ANGER IS NOT WORTH ANYTHING IT JUST MAKES YOU SICK BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE CARES WHETHER YOU ARE ANGRY OR NOT THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING. MY LINK TO MY SISTER WAS EMAIL AND SHARING THINGS WITH HER SHE MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR SHE IS TOO BUSY AND DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT. I ASKED FOR IT BY TAKING MY MOTHER IN SO I SHOULD DEAL WITH IT. NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT IS THE END OF THAT RELATIONSHIP IT HAS BEEN TOO HARD TO MAINTAIN AS IT IS WE ARE 51 AND 57 RESPECTIVELY AND TRIED TO START FRESH IN 1996 BUT MOTHER HAS DONE TOO MUCH DAMAGE AND I CAN'T FIX IT BY MYSELF NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY SO I JUST NEED TO RECOGNIZE I MUST GIVE UP SOME THINGS. WHEN YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP THERE MUST BE TWO PEOPLE WORKING AT IT. I HAVE HAD TOO MANY RELATIONSHIPS IN MY FAMILY WITH ONLY ME WORKING AT IT SO NOW THERE ARE NONE.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Excellent responses!

I have let my sister off the hook for a lot. 1: she's nine hours away. 2: she has a full time job, and can't take time off. 3: she just lost her 21 year old daughter in a tragic accident. 5: she encountered a lot of abuse and neglect from mom growing up, and can't deal well with mom's present drama. 6: she still calls her often, sometimes every day, and listens to mom's complaints. 6: she supports me when I do deal with mom. 7: I'm the big sister, and still in protective mode, not just for my sister, but for my mom, as well. 8: Someone has to do it, and I can and will, voluntarily. My sister doesn't "owe" me or mom anything. 9: my sister cared for our grandmother, as sole caregiver for over a year in grandma and grandpa's home, then dismantled it when they could no longer live there.

For me, I only have one sister, and we have struggled with "issues" all our lives. We have survived, and in some respects, thrived. (Meaning, we didn't repeat some of the behaviors we grew up with.) Since I love my sister, and want to continue a relationship with her, I give her a lot of grace, and tons of space. I don't demand anything from her, but if asked, I know she would chip in. As for inheritance, it's just the two of us. I don't mind sharing with my sis. Neither of us places much value on material things, so I don't see us fighting over them. (Hopefully.) Mom have already given some things to her, and we both received things from our grandparent's estate.

Guess the important thing to remember is: things aren't as important as people. It's always good to exercise grace and forgiveness. Those are the important things. Love covers a multitude of sins. Cherish good moments, and try not to keep score. Work together when possible. If not, walk away in peace. Anger costs too much in the long run.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Amen not even the time of day
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Wow, I have the same situation, it's just Moms personal things but my 2 sisters did all the wanting.
They did visit once or twice a year for a couple hours.
I have POA and gave them what Mom ask me to give them-nothing !
As far as I'm concerned, thats what they gave her when she needed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree with mindingyourelders completely. Where is fair when your siblings are not doing any caregiving. I have the same issue although there is no property involved. I've been told by mine she wants the pictures of her kids and the stuff she gave mom People have their priorities in the wrong order these days well I guess it's been like that for eons. I'd rather be you doing what you know is the right thing and as far as fairness goes well life isn't fair is it. As for your relationship with you sister, if all she is concerned about is her share seems you didn't have much of a relationship to begin with and that would be the least of my concerns and let her live with her own decisions. You have nothing to feel guilty about so please don't. Get this done legally and it will be clear sailing.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Since your mom is sound of mind, she needs to make this out in a legal form. You and she need to see an estate attorney. You are right that caregiving is not even close to a "visit."

Fair? If your sister wants fairness, she needs to share the caregiving duties or pay someone to do half of what you do. You and your mom obviously have a good relationship. You need to understand this will likely damage your relationship with your sister, maybe for life. But if this is what your mom wants, and if she is mentally able to give consent, then do it legally, and do it soon. You can deal with your sibling issues later. It would be helpful if your mom can see to it your sister is left something of value. Good luck. There's nothing like money issues to divide a family.

Carol
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter