My mother is 94 and with waning cognitive and physical abilities. The problem is that she is a bit dramatic and depressed and over the years had acquired learned helplessness. She also second guesses everything I do and has done so for eternity. It's gotten under my skin to the point where it's become difficult for me to have a civil exchange with her. Oh, and did I mention we live together and we're entirely enmeshed? I just can't move her into a care facility yet because the guilt would literally destroy me. I work and have someone come in for part of the day to look after her. But really, any advice for keeping my cool? I am afraid of my temper just exploding.
I went to bed every night going over strategies to make tomorrow better and I got up determined to be calm and cool and in control, but nevertheless I found myself losing it earlier and earlier every day. I finally acknowledged that I was doing irreparable harm to the previously good relationship I had with my mother, and also harm to her. I admit cried when I put her into care, and I felt like a complete failure, but I also felt an immediate almost physical lifting of the burden I had been carrying. It was the right thing for both of us.
There comes the time when it's time to walk away from caregiving and become an advocate for your "loved one".
Your temper will explode if the situation continues as it is now. You will also grow to resent and even hate your mother. I'm so sure that isn't what either of you wants.
Put your mother into care or it will happen. A therapist can help you work through the feelings of guilt.
Guilt is for criminals. You are not a criminal. Not continuing to be a caregiver slave does not make you guilty of anything.
You can be an advocate for your mother. You can make sure she is placed in a nice place and that she gets the best care and attention possible. This is also caregiving.
Guilt will not destroy you, but caregiving can. Something like 50% of caregivers die before the people they are caregivers to.
so many of us have the same mom! i don't know what it is about that generation but it really did a number on these women who are just trainwrecks.
i too had a lot of anger toward my mother when i was helping care for her at home, and felt guilty a lot of the time because it was her dementia behavior that was so exasperating and she couldn't help herself. eventually you will revise your opinion that you would feel too guilty to put her into a home, as that is really what needs to happen. we eventually did and it was gut-wrenching but it's done and my anger is gone and now it's just pure love for mom as we are daily visitors and advocates but not dealing with 24/7 dementia behaviors.
Why is it okay that elders with incapacities be coddled so they can exploit their learned helplessness? Or use the caregiver as an enmeshed crutch for the elder? And the excuse for family members to do nothing?
Why is it okay to exploit the caregivers compassion until they break because, sadly, even loving elders become selfish energy vampires?
Why is okay to for caregivers to consumed with guilt for taking a better solution?
And do it all for free, no less… and happily….
I do not tolerate abuse of any kind nor do I play games. I have a talent for being able to give a person what they need which is often different from what they want.
I call a spade a spade and if someone is an a$$hole, I treat them like one regardless of their age. If it's an elder with dementia, then you have to ignore them or respond the same as you would to a child.
I always encouraged and supported any level of independence a person could have. This kind of care can often cause a lot of frustration. Many times it's easier for the caregiver too just do everything for a person. The easy way isn't always what's best for someone. I've always understood the anger and frustration that can be caused when you forcepeople (especially elderly) to do for themselves where they can. I don't believe in treating human beings no matter what condition they're in, like they're useless. If they can have the slightest independence even if it's still being able to get food into their own mouths. Or combing their own hair. Or being civil when asking for something that they need or want. I can't tell you how many elderly people I've worked for over the years who had to be told plainly that they will not get a thing from me when they're not being civil.
I had a care client who was pretty much invalid. One day her daughter came home early from work and saw her eating lunch, herself in her wheelchair at the table. Not in bed and I was not feeding her. Her daughter couldn't believe this and asked me how this happened. So I told her. The first day I started I brought the meal out. Her mother opened her mouth ready for me to put the food in it. I told her no. That either she feeds herself or she starves. She understood. A couple weeks later we tried eating at the table. For sure she made a holy mess, but a mess can be cleaned up. I do not coddle.
I was good at caregiving, but now it's time for me to get out of it. True to my name here, I am indeed BurntCaregiver.
"Dosage by age"? My mom benefitted from a cocktail of two different antidepressants and a very low dose of anti-anxiety meds, which took away her weeping, hand-wringing and obsession over the fact that the world and her life were terrible. She was not "drugged", not lethargic, not prone to falls. She was her best self.
I think it might be worth a try
I think a LOT of us have that experience. What good are we when we're hand-wringing anxious and miserable??
You don’t need to pay someone to be your therapist. Use that money to invite yourself out for a delicious meal. Spend that “therapy-money” on yourself.
Laughter helps. Watching a funny movie to lift your spirits
Planning helps. Something every day that moves your life in the right direction.
PUT yourself in that position. You will surely hope there is someone inside the family that would understand that cognitive issues / physical ability will mean THEY will have to do everything for YOU and that compassion will be plenty.
Help her, have compassion for her condition, love her.
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