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My daughter has turned away from me since I became an octogenarian. For the age of a woman that I am I feel I have no value. I was a mother who was always there for my children...no matter what. Now that I could use just a little consideration, like: Offer to help where and when I need it would be a weight off my shoulders. Or just a simple call to check on me I try so hard not to be a burden, but sometimes a situation means a call for help from a family member. I don't know about others in my peer group, but I am very good at reading body language which in most cases says more than the spoken word. I get that from my daughter or verbally attacking me be cause I didn't love her enough when she was growing up or other things I did or didn't do as a mother. This was a kid who lived the good life: No abuse, best dressed kid in school, never hungry...the list goes on and on with blessings to be counted. Through self analogy I can only come up with is I was not free with terms of endearment and hugs. I never got them from my mother, I was totally aware of my not being able to show affection to my child....it was on my mind a lot. BUT, the big BUT. I knew my parents loved me by showing it so many other ways. EXAMPLE: my dad, with his flash lite, checking on me and my siblings while we slept...Can't get more convincing then that. Is there anyone out there who can identify with this? Or anyone? I am never included in her families activities. I am completely ignored and I don't have pity parties to brood about it. It would help if I could hear another person view on this. Has anyone else gone through this, and if so, where do you put it? Marie ( a very good mother, so I thought)

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Memarmi, please don't worry about the people on here who are judgemental. I just skip over them. Most people are kind and considerate and offer great suggestions on this forum. They are everywhere. They are in my workplace. Just skip over them.
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Memarmi, I really think family counseling would help you. I know you would benefit from it because you sound like you are open to discussion. Without blaming anybody, just discussing it with a counselor. Even if your family won't go then go by yourself. It will help you. I promise you that.
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This is hard. Hard for you and hard for your child. I feel for both of you.

Leave the door open for healing. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize. Show only love and acceptance. Let me ask you? Can you meet your child right where she is? Can you try to accept that she is hurting? In other words, can you show more concern about her pain than you being offended at her confronting you? Just think about that seriously for a moment. It’s not about your opinion or if you agree with her or not. It’s about love and respect.

What I mean by that is people have reached out to me at my lowest point. I wasn’t expected to pretty myself up for them. They accepted me right where I was and it meant so much to me. That is where healing begins. That is when a person can find peace.

I myself had a perfectionist mother and I never felt ‘good enough’ around her. My dad motivated. My mom criticized. Big difference!

Did I try to get along with my mom? You bet I did. Did she try to get along with me? Perhaps she did in her own way. I’m sure that she felt as if she did. But I never felt like she was interested in meeting me exactly where I was. We work through things, not get over them or act as if it didn’t happen. It’s a journey, a process. Are you willing to travel in that journey, work through the process?

Does this ring any bells for you? I am in no way trying to make you feel badly. I am a mother too. It’s hard at times. I understand. I just want you to be open minded.

All parents make mistakes. All children make mistakes. No one is perfect, nor should we have to be.

Hopefully, we learn from our mistakes. Those mistakes that we can correct, we should make an attempt to do so.

Some things can’t ever be fixed. All we can do is forgive and move forward as best we can. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is let go and allow someone to live in peace.

Look, I do know some situations where the parents are incredible people, not perfect, but very good parents and the kid is troubled and it just doesn’t work out no matter how much they have tried. Very sad. I hope no matter what your personal situation is, that you will find peace no matter how it ends. I mean that. I truly do.

My mom and I after 15 years of her living in my home moved out. It was inevitable. I know that now. We no longer have a relationship. Still, I hope that she finds peace and God knows, that is what I am seeking, peace in my heart and soul.

Best wishes to you and your daughter.

As to the independent living facility, living with the drama of a junior high school atmosphere would drive me nuts. I would have to stay away from whomever you are speaking of. Do you have to be involved with them?
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memarmi Nov 10, 2019
You sound like a very perceptive and understanding woman, thank you for your show of respect and not be judgemental. I am on my way to healing and have made the first step with very good success Thank you so much for your response to my post.
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You have my sincere sympathy. I have two daughters, and have a good relationship with the older. The younger one probably wouldn’t have chosen me for a mother. I’m not into keeping up with fashion or impressing the neighbours, I’m too down to earth, I don’t always behave the way she would like me to. She would prefer a twin-set-and-pearls mother, like her MIL. We just can’t get along. She gets angry with me, and I’ve given up putting up with it. She was particularly affectionate as a child, but not now. I’ve tried to deal with it, including going with her to a counsellor, which was a disaster. I too hope that eventually things will improve, but for now I keep my distance and am thankful for daughter number one and for my DH. If you sort out your own problem, Marie, please let me know in case it has ideas for me.
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Offer to help where and when you need it.

I have to say that I believe that the person requiring help needs to be considerate of the person that they are requesting help from. Perhaps you should ask her if you need help, if the time is good or when it would be good for her. Sometimes parents forget that their children are grown up with lives and responsibilities of their own and they make demands that are unreasonable and feel very disrespectful.

If you treat your daughter with the same contempt you have shown to others who have taken time to answer you then you will never have her help willingly. She is entitled to feel the way she feels, regardless how great you think you were as a mother. She obviously doesn't share your high opinion of you.
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MargaretMcKen Nov 9, 2019
I cannot see where Marie has treated anyone with contempt, and can’t understand why you sound so judgemental.
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Well, my Mom was a very good one. She sacrificed so her kids could have. She had 4 children, me the oldest. My sister passed in 96. I havev2 younger brothers. Our friends and family were in and out of the house. Mom was well liked by all. But, when the boys got jobs and married, they very rarely saw my Mom or acknowledged holidays or birthdays. If it hadn't been for youngest brother's wife not sure if he would have ever seen Mom. Other brother lives 7 hours away. Christmas gifts were brought when visited in April for her birthday. And usually nothing she could really use or wear. Suggestions to give money and taking her shopping were not taken. The way she was treated broke my Dads heart.
And my brothers are good guys. Just never understood why Mom wasn't in their thoughts more.

I have 2 daughters like day and night. R, the oldest, will say we did this to her we did that. That the younger was the golden child. R was an attention getter, not so with the younger one. I think some children need more attention than others and my R was one of them. She will say something went a certain way, my youngest will say she was there and thats not the way it was. Each child perceives things differently.

I think therapy is a good thing. We had it when R was a teen. From the beginning we were told we needed to respect that how she saw things.

I have told my daughters that we have saved towards our care. We hope to be independent as long as possible. I will downsize when things get too much for us. We don't expect them to care for us. But I do expect not to be forgotten. To be there when we really need them. Be involved in birthdays and holidays.

Come back and tell us how things work out.
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memarmi Nov 10, 2019
Thank you for your honest and understanding perception. Actually this forum has been just what I have needed. I have come upon a way to get her back and on good terms. These dialogs have been a Godsend in helping me see her side and see where I have been coming from and do some healing and I know she will do the same. She's a good kid (64 year old kid). My plan is to put more of my own effort in bringing us close together again and that I can do with little "effort". In fact I've already started with wonderful results. Thanks again for you very nice reply.
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Well, you've obviously done SOMETHING to alienate your daughter; so asking her if you've requested too much help from her in the past, or if your behavior at at family gatherings has been less than accommodating would be a good starting point to figuring out WHAT is wrong. Using a walker would be a pretty silly reason not to have you as part of her life. My 93 y/o mother is wheelchair bound and we find a way to have her over to our house. It isn't easy, but we make it work.

Nobody's been a perfect mother to their children, me included. But open communication is key to fixing what's broken in these relationships, so hopefully, you're open enough to have such a conversation with your daughter. Who knows? It may be just the thing to get you both back together and on the right track to having a healthy future moving forward.

Good luck!
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Ahmijoy Nov 8, 2019
Yes, this is the point I was trying to get across.. I was not presuming that this is who OP is.

My FIL was in a wheelchair and his son and grandson would lift him in the chair up our steps into our side door. I suspect there are some issues at hand here that we are not privy to. I hope they can work them out.
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There are always two sides to every story, and unfortunately on this forum, we can read only one side. Even though your daughter had what sounds like an entitled childhood, it seems she got little affection from you. She most likely missed the attention from you and a close, affectionate relationship mothers share with their daughters.

Speak honestly with your daughter before the Holidays and family get-togethers begin and ask her why she has turned away from you and you are not included in her gatherings. Stay calm and don’t accuse or sound like you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Ask if perhaps your requests for help may have come too frequently. Ask if your past behavior at family gatherings may have been less than accommodating. If she is willing to share, listen to what she has to say. I can say that even though I included my own mother in family gatherings, she had a way of wording things that sounded rude and sarcastic. I hope you and your daughter can work this out before the Holidays.
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memarmi Nov 8, 2019
I am definitely not the woman you discribe that I might be. Quite the opposite. I can see where you are coming from...I have known mothers like that. This has not always been how our relationship was. We both have similar personalities...senses of humor, love to laugh and reminisce. There is something else and I do keep asking her "What did I do?. The reason, I think, that I am not included is I have to use a walker because of hip problems and balance. I don't bring negative ideas or thoughts into family affairs...never have...grandchildren and daughter, too, can vouch for that. I know where you come from on your take on this...that seems to be the problem with a lot if relationships. Finding the answer has to come from her....we are considering therapy. Thanks for your response....Marie
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