Is anybody else getting more afraid of getting old?

Jessiebelle, some are still like that. But many aren't. My Mom has a large private room that looks out over a garden with a bird feeder. She has all her own furniture except a hospital bed. It looks very homey and it's very comfortable.

The ones I have visited are still two beds to a room with attached bathroom. Overbed table and easy chair. built in closet and possibly room for chest of drawers. Curtains round the bed. All in all much like double rooms in an older hospital facility. There are usually seperate dining rooms and activity rooms. Seperate large bathrooms with deep tubs for baths 3 times a week and a room for a hairdresser to visit. Many are also rehab faciilities so there is a room with P/T equipment. Many patients do spend their days in wheel chairs or "gerry" chairs in the corridor usually dozzing. Some have cell phones but often most are incapable of using them. Visitors are mostly absent or infrequent although some really care for their loved ones. There may be volunteers who come in and may help feed write letters or read. The dementia areas (not locked) are even more depressing with patients yelling and banging things on their tables and calling out for long dead loved ones. These dementia patients are those who can still be cared for in regular facilities but do not know what is going on. If they become violent they are moved to another facility. Everything I have seen is very sad but mostly physical needs are attended to and attempts are made to occupy the residents. to me it seems very sad and nowhere I want to end up.
My MIL had vascular dementia and was in a nursing home in England. I never visited her but hubby did and describes her room as comfortable but not homely in any way more like a small hotel room. her mental condition was worse than most of the other residents and the N/H wanted to transfer her to a memory care facility. She knew about that and wrote to us saying they were going to put her in the "looney bin" She has attacked staff with her walker by then and acusses them of abuse. My SIL was visiting frequently and would have investigated such incidents so mostly it was delusions. My SIL took wonderful care of both in laws. That is alll I know. We are fortunate in the we have kids who do care about us.

The AL rooms are really nice--usually. You can have your own things. My mom's is really cute with antiques,etc.

But does this make me feel better? No. Because I will never be able to afford it. My mom's place is super and a tad less expensive than the run-of-the-mill places around here! Still, it is $4,000 a month all together with meds, etc. My parents would never have dreamed that her needs would exceed their income. They had invested some mad money in their 60s-70s. That mad money now is making up the difference between her income ($3K/mo.) and her out-go. But I don't think I will have those kinds of funds when I need the care, say, in 20 years. God, what will it cost then?

JessieBelle, The 4 nursing homes I have visited in the last 8 months, (Mom was in 2 for rehab), had fancy lobbies and outer hallways, but the rooms in one were shabby with curtains half off the rods and stained recliners.This was in the section for the temporary rehabers. All were single rooms but for a couple of doubles. Three of the places had better looking rooms, but the care in the better one with the 5 star medicare rating was awful. There was a hospital bed in each room and a chair and desk/dresser combo in the newer facility. The older one had the bed and recliner and 2 small dressers. The older one was converted from double to single rooms, but the TV noise from the hallways was awful. Couldn't hear myself think half the time. I had to wonder about the cleanliness of the shabbier room home too. I never saw a room that looked like an ER. None of the places smelled bad so a good smell may just mean the spray alot of airfreshener but don't change the residents enough. One place did not smell but some people were complaining they hadn't been changed all day.... Don't just check out the lobby and dining room...always walk through the whole facility as what is up front is not always the true atmosphere of these places. If staff gets a dismayed look on their face at your walking through, this could be an indicator that they are not taking proper care of the residents and they don't want you to see that, or heaven forbid, be asked to do anything or answer any questions!

Jessie My moms room is small with a nightstand and dresser and tv which we pay for from the estate. She has a bathroom and closet and that is about it. Large window looking out. No chair to even sit on, I sit on the bed.

My Mom has her own room. We furnished it with some of her furniture from her old apartment. Its small but cozy. She also has her own bathroom. The nurses lock the door behind them after they have checked on her.

So in answer to your question, not all nursing homes are a horror show.

I think it depends on the level of care a person is receiving also. If a person needs round the clock monitoring then a hospital setting would probably be more ideal and therefore the two beds and t.v. with a chair for a visitor would probably be the case.

Gershun My mom has her own room, too. Everyone there does, but they don't lock her door, and I wish they would. Do you know how I could get them to do this? A lot of her things get stolen. It seems cozy enough, but I would like for her to have a nicer place, especially for the money they charge.

I agree that it is scary to get old, but with what I am experiencing and watching my mother and husband go through has made me more aware of how to avoid some of it.

Sue... What would you do to avoid some of it? ... (just wondering)

I've worked in nursing homes. My mom worked in nursing homes for 35 years. She always said if we put her in a home she's come back to haunt us. Really, there are some lovely employees but from OUR experience in the facilities it was not good. I'm keeping mom in her home. I have family that work in nursing homes as nurses and aides - they are very good to their patients, but even my SIL who is a nurse keeps her bedridden mother at home. To me, it's just a quieter and more peaceful atmosphere. My mom's been in stroke rehab twice - she would grab onto my hand when I came to visit and just be so disoriented and scared and wound up. Two of the 3 facilities she was in had dirty curtains and carpets, and more than once I found my mom laying in her wet clothes - you know she'd been like that for a while since they had started to dry. The third time she needed rehab I said nope, I'll do it at home. It would have given me some respite but I wouldn't have rested well about it, you know? I'm not saying they're all like that - how would I know? But, the facilities we've worked in and that mom has rehabbed in were terrible, except for one lovely private Catholic-run facility where she did her acute rehab after her first stroke - that place was top notch in every way.

So, how to avoid it when I'm old if I make it that long? Better take better care of myself and look into long term insurance.

I have taken care to protect my finances. I keep on top of my health. My doctor is very helpful with this part advising me on exercise and diet. I am much closer and involved with my children. I try to be upfront and honest with about most things, contrary to the way I grew up. They are aware of what I would want to happen.

The more answers I read here, the more I am certain I want to buy a house and have folks live with us, and as a group we hire nurses so we have someone come in once a day. Any more than that is unnecessary, as we will have each other.

I'm too much of an introvert to be able to stand living with just a curtain between me and another person. Every time my dad is in the hospital, that happens and we have yet to have him get a roommate that doesn't consider the other guy.

We'll keep each other young, and make sure there is a "youngster" to join us when we have a room that opens up (by 'youngster', I mean someone we all know and like who can still drive and run errands, and etc.).

I've honestly been planning this type of scenario since I was in my mid-40s and widowed. Now I'm remarried, but he's on board, too.

I am. I never used to be.....but the caregiver role I am playing for mom has caused me to fear my own old age. My husband is 15 years older than I am and that scares me now too. By the time I finish caring for mom I will probably have to care for hubby. Like some others have also addressed, I never had children. I know having children doesn't guarantee you will not be lonely (I have 6 siblings and I am the only one that takes care of mom) but at least if I had kids I might feel there was a CHANCE I would not be all alone. Like someone else also said, I am hoping that some day - when I finally have the freedom to make friends again - that I will find others looking to share our "golden years" together. As a caregiver I feel a ton of loneliness - the thought of being lonely and alone - when I am old - scares me.

The thought of being old and alone scares me very much too, as I also have no kids, not that that is a guarantee for help.Caring for my 92 yr. old Mom has made me very aware of how bad the system here is and how much seniors really need someone to advocate for them. I have people in my family in Europe that are 96 and 99 and 102 years old,(his goal is to make it to 110...),.....maybe I should take up skydiving someday, or get my pilots license to fly a rickety old 2 seater plane, or maybe shark hunting or any other thrilling but very dangerous risky sport.....I really like the idea of the shared home and people in it helping one another out.

Yes, I am afraid of getting old. I, too, have virtually no relatives to speak of, not much money, and all that. Kids live far away and are aloof to my concerns. So I just keep plugging along, taking my fish oil.

Well I have already "got"old so had better start getting afraid of getting older. The way the co pays on the insurance have gone up this year there is little chance of that!

I wasn't going to post anything on this thread but the steady gloom is getting to me. It's time to start fighting politically for senior rights. Most older women start fading on me right about now, but don't - because nothing else is going to get us adequate oversight of nursing homes, income protection or the necessary progressive housing so we can age at home. So will you please stop planning your suicides and start writing letters to your political representatives because if you don't do this minimal thing at least, they won't even know there is a problem. We as older people are a significant and important voting bloc, you know, large in number and with a well-known reputation for voting and caregivers have a sympathetic image publicly. We need to get together to plan something better than this, to publicize our plight and make sure politicians and everyone else can;t ignore us.

By the way, those of us who are suicidal don't need any advice on how to do it.

I can't believe I'm writing this for what appears to me to be such a totally apolitical bunch. But I guess my reputation for being nice is as the blasted oak anyway, what with me finding robots interesting. God, I am rotten at being old.

moving up I think you are being very good at getting old. You are not sitting in your wheelchair yelling obscenities at your family you are tryiong to help others who are also old and that far from sucks. I disagree that others on this forum are apolitical. That is far from the truth but the admins discourage political or religeous comments so it may seem that way.

I'm from Canada and it seems like almost every day there is a news story about Alzheimer disease, dementia, caregivers under stress etc., etc.

I think the very fact the baby boomer generation which makes up a huge percentage of the population are finding themselves in the unenviable position of having to care for their aging loved ones is bringing this topic to the forefront and soon the politicians will have to start taking it seriously. We can only hope!!

Well the truth is we are all very lucky to get "old". Both my parents in 90's and going strong, so chances are I will too. I can handle getting old, but in a feeble state and with less money, I fear being white and in the new minority, there are huge cultural differences. Many times I've visited relatives in hospital and shocked to have a Muslim nurse in headscarf coming in to change dressing or catheter. Gosh if I were in hospital would I want a Muslim taking care of me, I don't think so. But that is exactly what the future holds, since whites are not reproducing and Muslims are. I fear a loss of my own culture; gays have started their own senior facilities--where are the dedicated Christian facilities? And why would it be OK for there to be gay retirement communities, but not white or Christian? Of course I expect a lot of people to not understand what I am saying--you're thinking "oh the entire 20th century was white privilege", but mid-21st century will be very non-white. As we approach our most vulnerable years, the last thing we need is to be thrown together with radically different cultures, and "just get used to it." If the minorities of past years have taught us anything, it is how cruel it is, to force a culture down someone's throat. It's doubly cruel when its a 97 year old.

Whites are not reproducing? Where do you get your facts from? Go to any Walmart and I think you'll find thats not true.

samara, here in Birmingham we have some expensive church-owned AL facilites/NHs. They are among the nicer ones. I imagine there are many of them out there that are owned by the different denominations. I don't know if any of them accept Medicaid. That is an interesting question.

Race, religion, and sexual orientation are not something I worry about. The only thing I dislike is snooty elders. They aren't much fun to be around. I hope to be around fun people who like talking politics. And yes, movingup, I'm very politics oriented. Ultra liberal independent.

I did a google search "white people are having fewer babies than non-whites and found several articles.

1. NY Times article from May 17, 2012 saying that whites account for under half of the births in the US.

2. Newsweek report June 13, 2013 on the census saying white majority gone by 2043 in US

And there are other articles that I found from that google search.

Some of the church owned NH in my area that many people from those denominations don't go to them because they can't afford them.

Fair enough magnum. Maybe here in Canada things are different. I know my Mom's nursing home is predominantly white. Having said that, most of the residents there are not in their right mind and probably don't notice whether there is a muslim person changing their catheter.

WAIT a MINUTE folks, the question is about being OLD. If the thread has gone to color and creed, it's time to erase the whole thing.

I totally agree with you pamstegman. I probably should of not even responded. I won't next time. My bad!!

Well, I am sorry that I didn't private message Gershun what I posted here in reply to the question. I guess we have to keep in mind that we have people here from all over the world. Sorry.

No need to apologize magnum. Its all good!!

The only good thing I've taken away from retiring early at 55 to take care of my now 88 year old mom with dementia -- was retiring early! So the earlier suggestion about living life while you can really does fit and ward-off the clock that is ticking ticking ticking in your head and scaring you from wanting to grow old. When I was 5 years old, I remember seeing an old woman ever-so-slowly crossing the street in front of us and mom said "I never want to get old like that". Life made sure her wish was not granted. She will probably live to be 99, has already outlived my dad and all her friends, and until recently enjoyed being alive. With dementia now, at least she's getting to the point where she won't remember how old she is, so it won't matter to her anymore. And the same will go for you, if you do some things to change your focus. You can grow old and be happy. I've gotten to know some very, very well-adjusted happy seniors while taking care of my mom. They are out there -- and you can end-up being one of them!