Is anybody else getting more afraid of getting old?

Well, it has eliminated any illusions I might have had about the Golden Years.

But even with dementia, my husband had a reasonable quality of life. My mother is content with her nursing home life. I'm more afraid of not having loved ones in my old age, but I don't seriously think that will happen.

It is probably harder with me, since I don't have family. I think of being alone, losing my mental faculties, then losing my physical faculties until I'm sitting alone in a pile of poop in a Medicaid NH bed. Shiver.

Not really afraid, more realistic I think. I appreciate that my parents had made their funeral plans and I want to do the same. The time between now and then is just going to be what it is.

I already feel old, in fact when I talk to my Dad every day on the telephone our conversations are around our aches and pains, and the weather. And talking to Mom is difficult because she is almost deaf. Where is my rocking chair and shawl?

I am to a point that if I get another life altering illness, I hope it takes me quickly. My dreams for a wonderful retirement, like what my parents had for 25 years, won't be a reality... I am too tired to enjoy anything anymore :(

I've been having these kinds of thoughts also... Going through this time with our loved ones really changes most everything in our lives. I never could count on my brothers for help, so I feel like you Jessie. it would be nice if some of us could meet someday since we've been through so much and can relate to each other. maybe someday there will be something like this for the boomer generation. The whole world scares me the way it's changed and is changing... And so quickly.

Actually, it makes me want to retire earlier. Yes, it does frighten me.

I guess it's the depression we have to be careful of as we get older. It' s a sneaky bugger... How do we work on that?

For me, I refuse to resign from my career.... it's my sanity, helps keeps me sharp or not as dull... plus it's a good excuse to say *no* to my parents if they want me to drive them somewhere, "sorry, can't, I am working that afternoon".

I agree Freqflyer... It gives you your sense of 'normal'. We're lucky to have this diversion.

I looked it up and found the fear of aging has two names: gerascophobia and gerontophobia. The last has bad connotations of hating old people. The first sounds more like what I'm getting. Really, I shouldn't be surprised. How could we go through this for years without it having some major psychological impact? Like a chronic stress syndrome. I wish they had cosmetic surgery for the spirit so we could stay young inside even as our bodies wear and our minds get feeble (if they do).

It would be nice if agingcare.com could learn from our posts and add some creative 'venues' for this group of caregivers (us... to help save our mentality and happiness as 'we' age). After all, there's a lot of us in this situation (and many more to come).

i was listening to an informational program today at the va hospital about managing stress and stressors . among the potential stressors listed was the situation of caregiving . i figured it wouldnt be long until caregivers are noticed and as usual the va is proving to be a leader in the future of medicine .
to people who hear bad things about the va -- look at the town , region , and local labor pool . if the va is located in skiptooth county arkabammy or something its probably gonna make headlines every now and then .

Oh my gosh yes!!!! I'll be 44 on Feb. 4th, and I'm already feeling that fear. My mother is 82 today (adopted me at 2 days old). I'm sure most of you remember that feeling of being invincible, thinking that someone 40, or even 30 was old. I remember thinking that getting old, is only for the old. I look in the mirror each morning and seem to find a new line around my eyes. I always felt like it wouldn't happen to me. My father always said that the older you get, the faster it goes (regarding time). If I feel it going this quickly in my 40's, what will the next decades bring? This is probably something I shouldn't reveal here, but last Saturday, I decided to drink a little too much wine. My husband had always said that he would do anything for me. I pitched a fit, reminding him of telling me that, and told him to get in the garage to build me my time machine. He looked at me like I was completely crazy, then laughed. I was a teenager in the 80's, so that is the time I seem to relate to. I love my 80's New Wave, but my guilty pleasure is 90's Booty music..the other day I pulled out my old CD's, and put on Tootsie Roll, at the beginning of the song they yell, "Yeah 1994!!!" I couldn't believe it...that was over 20 years ago!!!! WHAT?? How did that happen?
When I was growing up, I always thought my mother had beautiful hands and handwriting to go with them. I notice how gnarled they have become and her writing is almost illegible. This scares me...when does it happen? One day she is writing letters, signing cards, taking care of her bills....and one day she isn't. I know the decline had to have been somewhat slow...but it appears that it happened overnight. In some ways, after living with mom for a year and a half (she went to assisted living in April of 2014), it gave me a wake-up call. She didn't talk very good care of herself, and wanted to refuse medical care. This makes me want to take better care of myself...body and mind. I have 2 grandchildren and want to watch them grow up.....although I do plan on drinking for my birthday...then maybe I'll harp on hubby enough to build me my time machine. Maybe I should put on my parachute pants so I'm ready.

Great question, JessieBelle. I have also been thinking about the future - quite a lot lately. I am 51, been taking care of mom since I was 45, 24/7/365 except when I'm at my full-time job. I raised my kids myself, they both have their professional degrees and are working and support themselves. I don't have any help from sibs with my mom. I've already told my kids that I don't want them taking care of me if I become unable to care for myself. It's too hard. I'm planning on setting up all my directives and looking into long term care insurance, just in case. I won't be able to retire anywhere near 67, so I'll just keep going until I can't anymore. No retirement for this old gal. All I can do is try to find some enjoyment and peace in each day. My youngest brother drank himself to death at the age of 39, 2 years ago. Now as I'm driving to work, with everyone rushing to jobs some of us detest, to earn a check to pay for stuff society says we need - makes me shake my head and wish I had figured this out when I was a young mom. I would've moved my kids to the country and learned to be self-sustaining. Perspective has really changed. What I fear is that I'll sit there like my mom does, day in and day out with nothing to do, no one visits me, and I'm just waiting - for what? None of us are guaranteed another day. Best to just try to find some peace and happiness in what IS today.

BrendaLyn,
Thanks for the laugh, and if hubby succeeds, may I rent your time machine? enjoy your bday
L

Watching my parents bitterly fight the aging process has been a huge wake up call for me. Their lack of acceptance comes as a bit of a shock because my grandparents had such a different attitude. Especially my paternal grandmother who lived to be 99 yrs. and treated every day as a gift. She had her share of age related troubles and was not adverse to a bit of complaining but she did not dwell on the negatives. I have decided to make her my role model :)

I'm not really afraid of getting older. I think I am afraid of dementia though. Yes dementia scares me.

Seeing the aging process just puts more fire under my toosh to use my life the best way I can. I just made my first glass of delicious green juice with my new juicer. Goodbye belly fat and whatever ails me! I am determined to take charge of my life and my health. I am rejoicing in my good fortune for living the life I have, and for being the person I am: unique as each one of you are!
I went to zumba class today and gave it my all. Went home and crashed on my couch. Now I have desk work and organizing to do. I am grateful no one lives with me. I help take care of Mom and Dad in helpful and measured doses.

I am not afraid of living or death. I believe there is more than one life: we have come and gone many times before and many more to go, so why worry? Nothing is created or destroyed: it is all energy and all change. Only love matters.

I just wish we had expiration dates, like milk. We'd be "fresh" until that date, which was right before things were going bad, when we'd just drop dead. Then I remember that my 93 year old dad had mild dementia for years. He was sweet, kind, gentle, and knew us, up until he had a stoke. The last 2 months were really bad, but I wouldn't want to loose the other years even though he wasn't at his peak "freshness." Then there is my mom, who has suffered through years of pain with arthritis and now barely able to walk. She enjoyed all those years with hobbies, grandkids and now great-grandkids. When should her expiration date have been?

My husband has early onset dementia, and I'm now his full-time caregiver. So, this is our early retirement. I try to fill my time doing genealogy and writing my family history, things I can do from home. Luckily, my husband's SSDI check is enough to get by, and his VA health benefits cover meds and in-home caregivers to help. We are taking the attorney's advice to protect as much of our assets as possible for my future, but I worry that my health will be gone. I feel like I've got early signs of dementia and know I inherited my mom's arthritis. I too am looking into long term care insurance, but will that be enough in the future?

I try to look for the positive, take one day at a time, and take care of myself, but wish I had a crystal ball so I knew what the future holds!!! Glad I live in a state that has assisted suicide, just hope I have mental capacity, when/if the time comes for me.

Regarding the time machine, I'll check and see if Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj will let us use their machine :)

[for those not familiar with those names, it's the characters on the "Big Bang Theory"]

Afraid of old? NO. My mother died at 37 when I was 10. I am amazed I lived this long. I was born in 1951. I was afraid during the Cuban Missile Crisis in October 1962, so were my parents. I was afraid during labor & delivery.
I was terrified when my daughter was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2004. But Old Age? Nah.

The problem with being a care giver is that aging, age related illnesses, and dementia along with their financial burdens are constantly in your face. I NEVER thought about such things before I had to step up as DPOA for my cousin.

Honestly, I recall sitting at my laptop, enjoying my day and thinking that life was pretty darned good and then BAM! I got the phone call that changed everything.

I do think I fear dementia more than old age. I can accept an old body that has wrinkles, but the mind......losing that just freaks me out.

I also help care for my parents who don't have dementia, but are in their mid 70's. Do you know how many funerals they go to every month?????????? NOW THAT is scary. They never stop. I just got a call today that one of my good friend's mom died. She was 92. Her funeral on Sunday will be two in one week for me.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I think I need a vacation! lol

I am old. Seventy-seven is old by any standards, though I call myself a junior senior, and - it's not so bad. Yes, there are a few more aches and pains but I wouldn't go back for anything. Afraid? No and never have been of just plain old age. Many years ago I feared cancer and those kind of things, then decided that living in fear was robbing me of my healthy "nows", so I stopped and became grateful for "now" and still am. I believe in doing what you can to live a healthy lifestyle. Genetics count for about 33% of healthy longevity - the rest is lifestyle and, I think, some chance. My family is long lived on both sides so I planned my retirement accordingly and still have goals for myself that I want to meet. With sig other, I am starting to travel a bit again. I am still caregiving, at a distance. I fear mother (102) living a whole lot longer more than anything.

Life seems to go faster and faster towards the end...hmmm...much like a roll of toilet paper. What does that tell us about life?!
Afraid of getting too old and outliving all the people I know......

I'm not afraid of getting old EXCEPT if my parents are still around! And it seems like they just won't die (did I just write that?). Its irrational because they in all probability will die within next 10 years, but I'm just jealous of them because when they were my age, they absolutely did NOT have to take care of their parents, like I have to take care of them. It seems like the prognosis for my own kids is better too--they all seem to be able to get good jobs and have already said they're going to folow their dreams wherever that will be (eg, they're not sticking around my city). So I just want to have some time for "me" at least 10 years before my husband retires and puts that cabash on my little sliver of "me" time. After he retires, I will be taking care of him a lot (I can imagine) so I feel like most of my life is all about taking care of every one else.

Salsa Dance Lessons and Birthday Celebrations
by Judy Faust


“Dance! Not like this!
not a frightened feeble frame!
Dance! Shake it down,
Rock every tissue, rattle every fiber. Dance!

You, ballroom dancers!”
He looked right at me.
He threw back his jaguar head and his white teeth flashed neon.
Shake it down, he chanted.
And his shoulders and torso muscles rippled
like a tsunami wave flinging off a surfer.

Forty something years old on Friday.
“You are still young!” said an eighty year old, smiling.
“Age is attitude,” advised the seventeen year old.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
a child asked me yesterday.

Tomorrow I will strain my eyes
as I explore the foggy future
or try to remember the landmarks of my youth.
I will hear the crumpled letters I never sent
scraping against my conscience,
I will listen to insurance companies promising me security in old age. I will...

Dance! The music cracks my comfort zone,
the shell of childhood breaking,
crushed beneath my wild feet.
In my head, I hear my mother,
“Too much wiggling! You’ll ruin it all! Control, Control!”

But the Salsa dancer from Costa Rica
trills and undulates like palm trees in a hurricane.
We’re all chanting now, a class of waving arms, feverish flesh.
Like the virgin diver, I left the shore, became the tsunami.
In the mirror, I am shining, ageless.
Even my dance partner ‘s eyes twinkled with liberation
the moment I became free.

I've always had a kind of acceptance of death cause my Dad died when I was 4. I guess I've always known that we can go at anytime. My Dad was 55 when he died and my brother died at about the same age so I figure if I make it past my mid fifties I'm doing pretty good.

But the aging process is scary for sure. I worry when I start to forget things that maybe I'm getting dementia and I definitely get winded easier these days. But theres no point worrying when you can't do anything about it. Worrying just causes stress which will make you less healthy.

I'm on the upswing to a degree - but yeah, watching mom really brought home how bad aging can suck. And I am slowly getting more used to the idea of the "circle of life" thing and just doing what I can for my health and staying as sharp and able as possible. But yeah I got long term care insurance, a real policy not a phony one like my mom had.

I fear dementia. My Mom always had some kind of personality disorder or undiagnosed mental illness, I realize, but I really would hate to be such a burden on my children. It would be great if we could see the train coming, we could do something about it, but I'm afraid the nature of dementia is elusive until it is too late for one to take charge of the situation oneself.

I'm almost 44 (may 8) I think I fear more about my mom...she's 63 and doing great...her and I take care of MY SIL who's only 53 suffering from end stage cirrosis among other things. I witness my SIL going through the heptatic enselpathy which mimics dementia, my mom ends up kinda freaking out and saying to kill her if she ever does the things SIL does. My grandma from moms side of the family was healthy into her 80s, and she passed from a random brain tumor...nothing age related....hopefully mom inherited those genes

Yes. My husband and I have no children. We moved to help my dad and his wife, and now all I can think as I see them decline is that no one will care that we're old. Obviously having children doesn't guarantee someone will be there (who have 5 children and one sibling younger than a child between them, and we are the only ones who have done anything for them long-term), and 'to provide for my old age' is a horrific reason to have children...

But - wow. The reality is that unless a lot of my other childless friends all come together in a communal home, we may be one of those news stories you hear about "a rural Florida man and his wife were found dead in their home today. They appeared to have died a week ago."

I'm scared beyond measure - but then, I have GAD, so I also remind myself I'm probably being unrealistic.