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Mom is 86 with weakness, balance and memory issues. Doctor and home health nurse after hospital stay absolutely say she can not be alone. After finding smoke in house because she burned something in oven, I completely agree.


I have aide here four hours on weekdays. That gives me time to take the dog out, run errands, tend to most of my medical appointments, and yes, get away.


However, Mom is on a campaign to get rid of aides. She does not want a "babysitter," wants privacy, etc. Without aides, I am in house 24/7.


How have you gotten around this?

my Dad was impossible to be with. He refused any help that wasn’t me. Fired aides faster than I could hire them.

a Friend of a friend was introduced to me, she was a professional caregiver between jobs.

so, I told my dad that she was coming over to help me get the house organized. She arrived and I introduced her, showed here where everything was. After about an hour I offered everyone ice tea. We three sat down together and had tea. In a short while I left on errands and they sat and chatted. The second day after chatting for a while my Dad mentioned he “never” get a to go to Walmart....so she took him. They stayed out for a couple hours and she helped me get him to bed when they came back.

that weekend my Dad was constantly looking for her. She arrived on Monday, and never stopped coming daily for the remainder of his life. She made his final time on this earth probably the most enjoyable he had ever had.

try to introduce this person in another capacity, and let them have the space to become friends.
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CrushedLove18 Feb 13, 2020
That is what we did with my MIL. At this point she isn’t able to remember anyone’s name - except me and my husband - however I always tell her that a friend is coming to visit and help Art the house. At times I think she picks up on it because the book for the home care workers attracts her attention and she hides it sometimes... under the sofa or behind a bookcase. It doesn’t happen that much now. If she comes across it, she will attempt to read it; but, losses interest it seems soon. We had a new worker on Monday and my MIL “gave her a run for her money”! I got home and was informed by the woman that my MIL tried to bite her! Luckily this new caregiver didn’t seemed fazed by the behavior. Other things happened while I was home and I kept apologizing to the caregiver. We have now lost 4 lovely people. The majority of the time my MIL is a kind and generous woman.... now a very confused and dependent/needy child. 😕 With a streak of defiance and anxiety.
I hope your idea of introducing caregivers works for foleydaughter .
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In simplest terms possible, greet the aide at the door, take her to Mom, say I’ll be back soon, LEAVE.

If the aide isn’t able to deal with a woman with Mom’s numerous issues, TRY ANOTHER AIDE.

Be sure that the aide understands that your mom may respond to a slightly louder voice, and that she is on a “campaign to get rid of aides”.

If you are expecting this to be a brief, pleasant, easy process.........well, WE made THAT mistake, but ultimately, LO accepted with surly silence, but she was SAFE.

SAFETY is REALLY your only concern at this point, unfortunately. As much as you want Mom to be comfortable and content and relaxed by having the aide there, most likely that won’t happen, and VERY unlikely right off the bat.

It is very likely MORE IMPORTANT for your mother’s well being that she accept the aide than it is for YOU to have the freedom to leave. Her dependence on you will only become more pronounced unless you separate ASAP.

Enjoy your “self” time. You deserve it.
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CrushedLove18 Feb 13, 2020
I agree!
I often feel tied down as my MIL lives with me and my husband. But, I make the time to do things I need and want to do. We have help and I relish the ability to relax and know that I can actually leave the house and know that my MIL is safely with someone!
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Foleydaughter, you could tell your Mom that the Aides are there to help you [not to help Mom]. Mom may accept that reason.

My own Mom [90+] was anti-caregiver. No way, no how, nada, ziltch. No other woman was going to make dinner for my Dad. Or use her kitchen, or do light housekeeping because that was Mom's "job". It was a major struggle and Mom won. We had to wait for a serious medical situation in order for Mom to get help... Mom spent her remaining months in long-term-care. Too bad the word "stubborn" isn't a legit medical term.... [sigh].

Dad on the other hand was on the phone quickly to get those caregivers to come back to help him.
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I made a big deal about them cleaning and fixing her meals. I said boy its like being Queen for a day! I always refer to them as her assistant. Never caregiver.
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Give your mother a choice between an aide or adult day care for the days or parts of days you want time to do other things. Don't let your mother take over your entire life.
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Most aides that have experience are used to dealing with this. It may help to let the aide know of things your mom likes, or once liked, topics that she could mention that might spark interest in your mom. For my dad it’s sports, cooking, and the military. He likes anyone who will listen and talk about those topics with him. But overall, your mom doesn’t have to like the aide, and here also, the aide should have a thick skin and be well versed in working where the client doesn’t want them. Whatever you do, don’t cave and get rid of the aide!
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I thought of another thing that helped with my LO when she was uncomfortable with new people, doctors, AL residents, staff, etc. I'd make sure to tell her how much the new people liked her. I'd say that they told me that she was such a nice person, they enjoyed talking with her and found her so friendly. And that they looked forward to seeing her again. If she felt that she had made a good impression, she was much more comfortable and eager to see them again.
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Tothill Feb 13, 2020
That is a great tip Sunnygirl.
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I agree that you need to give her workable options: aides or facility? If she says facility, keeps aides until you can vet a place and get her a placement.

Don't let Mom manipulate your life. Yes, she should have options and appropriate choices. Unfortunately, privacy is no longer a choice for her.
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"Mum, you do have a three choices in this matter. Aides who come in when I need to go out. A Seniors group that you can attend, where I know you are safe, so I can go out, or AL. Staying home along is not an option and my never leaving the house is not an option. The doctor has said you are not safe at home alone and I agree."
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Sonny65 Feb 15, 2020
Tried that with Mom but to no avail. She's turned every answer to her questions into something akin to all out tirade. I cringe when she starts out " I'm 82 y/o. I got along all this time w/o a babysitter and You sure didn't take care of all this; you hardly even come downstairs and spend any time with ME! You don't care about me at all!" then follows a 20 min bitching filled monologue. When it comes to Mom, you can't win for losing. Even her doctors gave up explaining when she's like this.
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DH didn't accept help either. Initially, aides came in as "friends." He still gets agitated and just the other day bluntly asked "why is she here" in front of the aide. My response was that she was there for me, not him. MY peace of mind, MY help with a few house chores, etc.... and "she can assist you with lunch" or whatever. I've never called them aides or caregivers. I never tell of plans to absent myself. Going out of town overnight today actually and he will find out when I leave. I'll just tell him that I have business appointments in our previous town (true) and "Kris here will be here a few hours." Of course, after Kris comes another aide overnight, and then another in the AM till I get back late tomorrow. Couldn't work out the same person for the entire time so I did what I needed to do to get coverage. He gets annoyed with me but his attitude with aides is OK after I leave, he will even engage in short conversations, though he pretty much keeps to his bedroom or sunroom. He does tell them he's not hungry when they prepare his meals and put on his desk (I typically have everything lined up, just needs to be warmed or put together) but they know to leave there.... ten minutes later.... food is gone! Control, control..... It's a tough thing to give up after 40 years in military lol..... His attitude was so bad at first that I would dread him telling the aides he wanted them to leave, or coming home to be berated about there being nothing wrong with him and not needing help etc.... but soon found out I was concerned over nothing! None of that happened. And 18 months later he still thinks they're "friends" even though I made it plain after his last hospitalization that they were part of home health care per doctor's and VA orders...... (mine actually) End of discussion.
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