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He is forty years old and unable to go out and find a job to care for his teenage daughter because all his time is being put on his mother. He is stressed and wanted to be the care giver for his mother but now know that it is the wrong thing for him to do. He is very emotional and bothers him that he losing his daughter in the process of trying to care for mother. His daughter is now being disrespectful and argumentative because his lack of time being spent with her. He has siblings 2 (men) who refuse to help in so all the responsibility falls on him. Mom is unable to walk so he have to give her the bed pan when needed, bathe etc. and it has become too much to bear. What advice can I give him when it comes to the procedure in putting his mom in a nursing home where she is able to receive the care she so desperately needs.

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Every circumstance and every state is different. Medicaid paid for my mother to have a home health aide 24/7, so it is possible. I live in NY.
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Someone up thread mentioned something about the son preserving his mom's home if she goes to a nursing home. I have read that if an adult child of the recipient lives in the parent's home caring for the parent for 2 years, prior to their qualifying for Medicaid, the adult child will be entitled to keep the house free from Medicaid asset recovery, after the recipient passes away. Is this right? I think I've read it many places. Someone please chime in if this is not correct.
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The medicare website lists them by area and a 5 star rating system. 5s are rare but I will not look at anything below a 4 based on an experience my mom had for actual rehab prior to her actually needing nursing home care.

If his mother is indigent (no assets) and can be left alone for a few hours the state will pay for a part time home health worker to come in. Sadly, they do not pay for one to come in 10 hours a day 5 days a week. I include 8 hours of work an hour for lunch and commute time in my estimate.
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sounds like he needs to contact her doctor, call his office of aging for the elderly and get an appt to have her evaluated. then he needs to get himself/daughter into some counseling for their sake. Caregiving is hard and no one needs to feel bad if they can not continue to do so. I wish him luck.
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This morning I signed the final permanent papers at the home and my Mom is now a permanent resident. The adminstrator stepped us through all the paperwork and there is a lot and the transition was made very easy by her. Day 3 was very good when I went through the door I was greeted by two small dogs that walked with me to my Mother's room. She absolutely loves animals at first she didn't realize they were real and then she was so delighted. You hear horrible stories sometimes about nursing homes but when you find a good one it can be a very wonderful adventure. Good luck start with the primary physcian and they will guide him from there. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
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Bearhug, thank you for sharing that.
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Your friend should get her into a regular hospital for whatever reason he can find. Then don't let her get discharged back home. The hospital social worker will help fill out any needed paperwork and find a suitable placement for her.
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I have been my 87 year old Mother's caregiver for the last 4 years. It has become more than I can handle. I work a full time job out of our house and was trying to care for her. She started falling down and took a particular bad fall last Sunday where she landed up breaking her tailbone. I was at my witts end. She now requires catherization every 6 hours. I cannot do this. When I took her to her primary care physician and was told it was now time to let go they gave me a list of homes that also do respite care to start. I found the most beautiful wonderful Catholic facility within minutes of our home. I just came back from seeing her she has been there 2 days now. She is starting to meet people and realizes the 24 and 7 care she receives is now making her pain free and realizes also that I am still devoted and committed and will see her everyday. We are all resting and living much better now because of it. Good luck I wish you well as it was me as much as my Mom that did not want to let go. And the others here are so correct I had no idea how so involved I had become in her caregiving to the point everything else including me had suffered. I'm a much more relaxed daughter and she as well and she actually feels better physically because she is receiving the help I now realize I could not give her. Make no mistake about it my job is not done as I will be there daily meeting her emotional needs! My thoughts are with you!
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Sorry, forgot to mention - most jurisdictions will have self-help packets that you just fill-in for guardianship. The instructions will help walk you through the process, including number of copies and all filing instructions. God Speed.
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If Mom has a physician, get her in to see her/him asap - on emergency status. She may need a referral to a neurologist or neuropsych for quick eval. At the same time, file an emergency petition for guardianship. (I'm guessing there is no trust nor PofA in place, but that's ok). Generally, in most jurisdictions, an emergency petition for G does not cost anything. He needs to state the emergency and a hearing should be set quickly. As someone mentioned, Dept of Aging may be able to help in some areas; also look to see if there are any free legal services available, such as legal aid for seniors. Always, always be prepared when going into family court - have all documents ready for the judge - copies - he should maintain originals. Be prepared; ask a friend to assist in getting everything ready - his hands are so full already and his emotions are at the max, for sure. Support cannot be understated. And, look for a support group - people who have loads of similar experience.
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I agree with many of the posts, he needs to consult his mother's doctors and an elder care lawyer. If he is disabled, does he live in the mother's home? Does mother have long term care insurance to underwrite the cost of a home health care aide. Whether Mom goes to a nursing home or stays in her home with help, does not immediately solve the problem of a disrespectful teenage girl.
Many teenagers help with caregiving duties but seems like she is not willing or able to assist her father when caring for the her grandmother.

I would get with Mom's doctor to see what the health issues are and will be in the future for the Mother. Mother may only be in her 60's so perhaps she can
rebound.

Take care.
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Are all the siblings in favor of their Mother being placed in a nursing home? Is the home he resides in his mothers? Many.. Many unanswered questions prior to NH placement. I'd strongly advise getting an Elder Care attorney to help sort out all the necessary steps it will take to accomplish this.
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The replies here were wonderful. But your friend needs to be willing, of course.

chris
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He needs a break. NOW. Many nursing homes offer respite care, where you can place your loved one for 3-30 days while you take care of yourself. I would look into that immediately. That will also be a chance for he and mom to try out a facility. I would recommend that during that time he do some research--or maybe the friend could do it for him if he's burned out--on the best nursing homes in his area for his mom's condition. He should pick 5-10 and visit them. Nursing homes should have no problem giving him a tour. On the visit, try to get a feel for the environment. Is the facility clean? Are the resident's clothes clean? Are they being engaged in some sort of activity or allowed to lay in bed all day? How are the residents being spoken to? What kind of activities are available? how does the facility smell? In her case, how often are the residents toileted? Try to envision what mom's life would be like here. Then, depending on what state he's in, he may need to get a PRI done. This is a form that is filled out by an RN that details the person's condition. Nursing homes use it to determine placement. Then he should fill out applications for the nursing homes he feels good about. Here in NY, there is usually a wait. Hopefully he won't have that issue. As far a getting her there, the facility should be able to assist in getting an ambulette to transfer her there if she is not mobile. Good luck to him.
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He should talk to someone to help out. I have worked with several people in situations like this, and having an advocate/helping hand is what he needs. Caregiving is a hard job! He gave it a try, but now needs to step back and become the son, not a caregiver. What State does he live in?
Advice: Talk with Dept of Aging (or similar),file for guardianship (if other siblings aren't helping), look into possible respite options in an assisted living (she might be ok for AL) for a month or so to get his bearings aligned, take daughter out for a night and explain the situation and get rest.
Hope that helps.
-Benjamin
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When he stops trying to preserve mom's assets and the home he's living in, she will be taken care of in a nursing home by taxpayers, if necessary. But he has to be willing to "surrender".
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Tell your friend to get his mother to a doctor who can order nursing home care. It sounds like he can hardly care for himself let alone his mother and she would be taken care of in a facility. Do it immediately, and if you have more concern, call adult protective services and they can be the vehicle that moves this friend.
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Since he is 40, his daughter must be a teen? This is a very difficult time for teens and their parents under normal circumstances! Teens are disrespectful and argumentative at this time of their lives. Then add his mother that needs care to the mix and it becomes a recipe for disaster first and foremost for his daughter that desperately needs her Dad. His daughter and himself need to be his top priorities. Does he have the power of attorney for his Mom? Is she competent? He needs the POA to make decisions for his Mom who may not agree to another living arrangement. Are he and daughter living with Mom? If so, in order to get out, he has to find a paying job to support his daughter. Where is the girl's mother?

More information about this situation will help.
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First off he needs to talk with an elder affairs attorney, get his documents in order. Does he have a durable power of attorney?
Has he hired any caregivers from qualified agencies to help with care delivery?
Does his mother qualify for medicaid ? Does she have money to pay for care?
Instead of nursing home what about spending moneys on part time coverage using health care aides?
Being next of kin means nothing so he better have power of attorney. Does he have HPAA approval so doctors can talk with him.

Mom is unable to walk so he have to give her the bed pan when needed, bathe etc.. Are we to assume he lives with his mother or does his mother live with him.
Without knowing which state they live in one can't suggest agencies to get help.
Has he talked with an outreach councelor at local senior center.
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You can "google a list of facilities in her area. He needs to consult with her physician to determine what level of care she would need IE, assisted living, skilled nursing care, does she need a facility with a dimentia unit etc., He needs to know that medicaid will NOT cover assisted living. He needs to put plans in place so that he can get some financial advice, POA perhaps. Determine whether she will be able to private pay or medicaide, a financial advisor can help with all of this. With my Mom ,we knew she would private pay for about 6 months then her money would run out and she would need to go on medicaid, I chose a facility that would accept both forms of payment so we would not have to move her once she acclimated. I think his first steps will need to be talk with her Dr. and speak with a Medicaide familiar attorney. Then he will call the facilities on his list, visit them and choose based on which ones have space. Hope this helps, Prayers.
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He has to be willing to get her to a nursing home. If he is not willing, caregiving will kill him. Spell that out gently to him, that in order to survive, he has to get her professional care. They will both live longer and better that way.
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