My mom is 92 years old and suffers from Dementia, walks with a walker and needs assistance with showers, preparing meals, getting her dressed and undressed; assisting her when she uses the restroom, etc. I have been taking care of my mom for the last four years on my own. However, it is starting to take a toll on me since my mom's dementia is getting worse. Some days are very difficult for me, and I feel so burnt out. I suffer from insomnia, high blood pressure and I'm diabetic. I have always been very active in my life but for the last four years (with the exceptions of a few trips and weekend get aways) my husband and I haven't had much time to do anything. I feel myself getting depressed, sad, frustrated and angry. My husband helps with what he can help with, but he is the one that feels all of my emotions, good and bad. I feel it's time to put my mom in memory care so she can get the care she needs. I talked to my son and granddaughter who are my big supporters along with my husband. They have both said I should reach out to my siblings and give them a chance to see if they want to NOW help out with my mom. My husband doesn't think I should nor do I, but he too is emotionally invested like I am. Son, granddaughter said it will be less talk/gossip about me or one less thing for my sibling's to be mad about. I have two sisters and a brother who live within fifteen minutes of me who have only seen my mom twice in four years. Older sister called maybe once every two weeks, but my younger sister doesn't call nor does my brother. Fact is they are upset with me because I have my mom. Jealousy runs deep in this family when it comes to my mom and me. I have always had a close relationship with my mom. When we moved her back from Mexico it was with the understanding that she would live with my older sister who had been widowed for about a year. That situation only lasted a year until I found out that she started drinking every day, using mom's money and leaving her alone at night to party. Older sister decided to hand off mom to younger sister without telling me so she could go move in with her boyfriend and continue partying. Older sister now lives in an upstairs one-bedroom apartment with her on and off again boyfriend. Younger sister has 5 grown adults and 5 Pitbull's living in her house. When my mom stayed with younger sister for ten days she slept on the couch. This is still the current situation except older sister is waiting for an operation now for an aneurism, which has slowed down her partying ways. My younger brother is very angry with me because I have my mom but has never once asked to help out or interested in taking my mom in with him. He has gotten very nasty with his text message to me, so he is now blocked from any communication with me. He and his wife ended up putting her mother in memory care because it was too much for them to take care of her. Plus, he was at one time going through a period where he needed psychiatric help and has anger issues. Two younger brothers live in Ohio. If they were to take my mom for few days a week, it would mean my sister would have to get rid of her dogs or kennel them in her garage or backyard. Make comfortable sleeping arrangements for my mom, like let her sleep in her granddaughter's room whom she shares with no one. My older sister would have to move downstairs in order for my mom to have easy access to her apartment. My brother I don't see him taking my mom even for a day. Son, granddaughter said they don't believe that any of them would change their current situations in order to help out with my mom, but that I should at least reach out to them.
Truth is I really don't want to reach out to them. Where have they been for the last for years? It's going to be tough and sad enough moving her to a memory care facility. Do I reach out to the siblings?
Do not tell your siblings in advance. As POA, make the best decision for her that you can. Once the wheels are in motion, you can send an email or letter to siblings and other interested relatives or good friends about where she will be residing starting on X.
Some of them might not like it, but so be it. You don't like some of their situations or behaviors either so I wouldn't worry too much about pleasing them, etc.
Good luck.
You've already concluded, that it's time for a move to Memory Care & that will suit her the best. So do that.
Arrange it & settle Mom in.
I agree to advise the sibs once it is done.
Are you thinking that one of siblings would offer to take Mom instead? I get that, but if MC is the safest & best choice, be honest & say so.
Are you worried some of the sibs may get angry with you? (Does sound likely, based on descriptions). How do you usually communicate with them - phone? If so, a short phone call "just letting you know..". Could even say "Mom's health team advised..".
(I'll be having nightmares about that house with 5 pittbulls 😱)
Placing your mother in a good supportive memory care environment is not a threat, it's a sensible plan. Give them credit for being able to recognise a good idea when it's explained to them, and at the same time do them the simple courtesy of keeping them informed. You don't need their permission, but that doesn't mean it's fair or right to exclude them altogether.
Nothing in the rest of the whole story you’ve written makes any difference in terms OF HER welfare, YOUR welfare, or your mother’s care.
NOTHING. You’ve described what the problems would be IF any of your siblings had been willing to assume the responsibility YOU’VE HAD FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS, but THEY WEREN’T.
Place her in the best NEARBY facility you can find, that will best meet her needs. Notify them after she’s placed OR extend to them the same degree of civility that they’ve extended to you and your mom during the last 4 years, and don’t notify them AT ALL.
Placement will NOT mean that you don’t care for her. It will mean that you will be offering DIFFERENT CARE, while sharing her physical care with other trained personnel.
Will you lose the loyalty and support of your siblings? Nope, because you can’t lose what you never had in the first place. Face the fact that family loyalty in YOUR family meanS complaining about diachica and then doing something else, anything else besides actually rolling up their sleeves and HELPING MOM.
You have a husband who is loyal and helpful and loves you. It’s time for you both to enjoy your time together AND restore your own health. DO THAT.
‘DH and I have been thinking through the best options for M’s care. During the 4 years she has been with us, her dementia and her physical care needs have continued to increase. We can’t cope indefinitely, and we think that a move to MC is now the best option. We know that other family members all have their own difficulties in offering in-home care, but we would like to hear from you if you have any suggestions that will be practical for all of us.
‘If we don’t hear from you with ideas that will work, we will go ahead with the MC option, along the lines of the POA. It’s a difficult issue for all of us. Please could you all discuss this between yourselves, as going through it all multiple times with each person just increases the stress here.’
It’s more or less what Alva says, but a bit softer. It gets to the same place just as quickly. You still get to decide what is practical and what will work. As you know that all you are likely to get is complaints, you start looking at MC now.
From your post what I would do is place Mom and then send out an email to everyone that "Moms care has become too much for me . Because of this I have chosen to place her in Senior Acres a Memory care facility. The address is:
I would rather the s** t hit the fan after Mom is in the MC. You know none of your siblings will be happy. And doesn't sound like anyone is capable of caring for someone with advanced Dementia.
IMO what your siblings will not like is that what they consider is their inheritance is being spent on a MC. They are not going to like your Mom is being placed whether u tell them before or after.
(I actually forgot to call my one brother that I placed Mom in LTC from her AL and he went to the AL. TG he is easy going and just stopped at my house and asked "where's Mom". Actually, he was partially at fault because he never visited and never called when she was in the AL)
You are under a LEGAL and a MORAL obligation here. You have been appointed to make these care decisions. Embrace that. When they argue let them know that you have made the best decision you can.
Your mandate as POA is to act as directed by your mother unless/until she cannot act, and then to act in your mother's best interests to the best of your ability. That is your mandate. You can no longer safely (even humanly) do this hands one work you have been doing. You are enlisting the help needed now to care for your mother. You are a smart, competent, giving person. You know what is right. Now EMBRACE what is right. Let the family know. Tell them that this is NOT open to discussion or to argument. That you have not the intention, the strength, nor the obligation to argue or prove any points of your.
You have made the best decision. Not everyone can be happy with it. Life will not be perfect in this wise ever again; the descent of our poor elders into this land of loss after loss cannot be changed. Do the best you can. Grieve what you must. Accept that your siblings are who they are and will not change. Get on with this hard work, and my heart goes out to you; I wish you the very best.
Inform them that the best option is Memory Care where she will have round the clock staff to care for her.
Tell the family that you have researched several Memory Care facilities in the area and that you have toured ( tour 2 or 3 prior to the meeting) a few and you have made the decision that "On Golden Pond" is the best one and that they have mom move in on Feb 15.
If any of the family members do not think that Memory Care is right for mom they can make arrangements to begin caring for mom and they can pick her up on the 15th. (unless they want to take her home that day)
I think informing the family of the intended move is important. This way no one can say
"this came as a surprise" or
"you never tell us anything that is going on" or
"we would have helped if we had known that this became to much to handle"
You have POA, so you also have the power to move mom to a place that will be better for her all around.
IF a sibling shows any interest, you can tell them 'frankly, you did not seem to care when she lived with me. Now if you want to see her, you can visit her at such-and-such ILF.'
Your sibs have had a free ride at your expense and I doubt they'd care if you went a different route of mom's care.
Start looking today for somewhere for her to go. You can still be as involved 9or not) as you want to be in her day to day living, but you sound burned out and honestly? mom needs more care than you can provide.
Sounds like your sibs won't care (unless mom is going to end up not leaving them a nickel.) Which nobody should expect.
Good Luck to you!