My siblings have all of a sudden become interested with Mom's health; they always stated they didn't want to take care of her. Now that she suffers from dementia, they're all concerned and especially for their 'inheritance'. My 1 sibling has decided that Mom's Will needs to be redone as SHE can't find it and it's OUTDATED and she doesn't want to lose what she thinks she should get (she doesn't understand probate laws). This sibling has already committed fraud regarding Mom's Medical POA (I was appointed) and had Mom sign a legal doc that Mom doesn't know why she had to sign it, but was told by this sibling it had to be done. What my siblings don't know is that I have researched State Law and confided with an Estate Attorney. The State Law is on my side. The Attorney says to let this sibling do what she wants as 1) she's committed fraud 2) A new Will won't be recognized per State Law and will revert to the original (I have it safe and secure). I am named as Executress, so I will be in control. I have always tried to be fair with my siblings all of my life, even taken their punishment instead of snitching. After everything that I have been put through this past year with their total lack of including me regarding Mom etc; I want to do as Mom has asked in her Will, but on the other hand I feel that since they have cut me out of the sibling circle I will do a majority of what Mom wants, but I will draw a line in the sand when it comes to the money, house and vehicles. What would you do if all of a sudden your siblings go from not caring to we need to know what to do when she dies and who gets what? FYI, I have been seeing a therapist and it was determined my depression (bi-polar) is due to exactly what these people have done to me all of my life. I actually provided home videos to make sure it wasn't in my head to my therapist (He said he never had a patient do that). My Uncle, Mom's youngest brother, agrees with me as I keep him informed of everything going on. He took care their parents too. So, it boils down to I will kick my 1 sibling out of the house immediately and change all the locks on day 1. I am going to get even and don't want the guilt, but to stand up to them and tell them to eat it.
The truth is very clear when one is told, you can choose your friends, but not your family.
I know how you feel and have had the same things done to me by my siblings AND a "niece".
Older sister "thinks" she can scare me with threats as if....she actually (she's at least 1" shorter than me) got physically in my face. Isn't tall enough to touch nose-nose with clinched fists and the most angry face I've ever seen.
I told her she had 1 and only 1 attempt to hit me; after that, she'd better run because I would either call 911 or beat the **** out of her. Then I started to laugh at her and told her she didn't scare me and we weren't little kids, so nice try.
This is too funny as she then told me she was going to call 911 if I DIDN'T GET OUT OF HER HOUSE😂😂😂 Told her I'd dial the phone for her.
When our baby sister had an extended vacation paid for by taxpayers, this same sister threatened me about a letter I sent to the "resort". Told me I had caused this sibling to suffer mild heart attack and other BS causing hospitalization . What SHE failed to realize is our daughter worked at the hospital where these "vacationers" are taken for medical services. Daughter gave me the 411 for all procedures that must be followed for "vacationers" which I then told sister she better get her facts before trying to accuse me of anything again.
Lil Brother, gave me a very extensive sermon via text.....don't throw stones Lil Brother.
I would ban them all from seeing Mom without my being there or my Uncle, but I'm not there and do not have the power to do so.
I don't talk with either sister and rarely with brother. Most likely all ties will cut once Mom is gone. It hurts to know this will happen, but it is what it is now.
Yes, I pray every night that God will watch over Mom for me and please give me the knowledge in some way that Mom needs me.
Thank you again.
You can never know everything regarding how your siblings’ relationship with your mom was over the years.
All moms are not perfect.
I would just let the anger go.
Your mom lives with your sister who deserves to have her own life as well. I wouldn’t guilt her over going on “day trips”. It’s quite a burden on your sister too.
I had two brothers. One an angel the other a devil. For years before my mom died we fought about everything. My brother disowned his mother (our mom) as he stated my mom should have protected him from getting his butt whooped by my dad whenever my brother was caught skipping school or staying out all night.
My dad was a WW2 vet - in Europe for almost 4 yrs - and came home to a son that grew up bucking every show of authority, got kicked out of high school, etc.
I am certain he probably did get his butt whooped as he outwardly disobeyed an Army Second Lieutenant. Was my dad wrong? Yes. Was my mom wrong in not protecting her teenage son from getting beat up? Yes, probably. My other brother chose to listen to my dad.
Point being, should my older brother not have his own opinion about my mom not protecting him way back when brother was 17? Or should my brother have sucked it up and realized he made bad choices that led to my dad getting aggressive?
I held this against my brother for years. Fought with him when my mom had a double bypass at 83, all the way until when she died in 2013.
My brother himself had an enlarged heart. He eventually needed a heart transplant. Me, being a nurse, agonized over this diagnosis. I knew eventually what would happen years down the road for my brother.
He chose to ignore me and would not allow any brother/sister relationship to continue.
Long story - here is the end- my older brother passed away one year after my mother from cardiomyopathy. He was too sick to be placed on a transplant list (waited too long to approach the transplant team).
I went to his funeral.
I mourn them both - mother and son. Was my brother overreacting? Did he truly feel our mom did him wrong? I can’t say.
Moral of the story...parents are not saints but try their best all the time (we hope) to be good parents. Sometimes they just don’t have the right skill set. But now that both of them are gone I do wish our relationship was different and we all just “got along”.
Respect your siblings decisions for what they are. You weren’t there to see how your mother may have treated your siblings in her moments of depression and darkness. Parents are able to totally mess up their children’s psyche, as we want to believe they are perfect.
They are not.
It doesn’t sound like your siblings are neglectful of your mother, maybe your expectations of them are too high and you are angry they don’t show care or affection the way you do. What more would you want? Have you discussed this obvious sore spot with your sibs?
To end, you are a family. Try to work it out. I ask that you work on recognizing your sibs are doing the best they can in their own way. Is this worth putting a huge strain the future of your family relationship for years? Not really, to me anyway.
All the money and assets in the world won’t fix family dysfunction. We all have family dysfunction to a degree & don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Show an example for your daughter. Distribute your mother’s assets as your mom planned.
Not worth fighting over....bad feelings will persist for years to come and *poof* there goes your family.
Be fair to all your siblings according to your mom’s wishes.
Good luck !
"Vengeance is mine I will repay, saith the Lord."
Let God deal with them.You are only exhausting yourself emotionally by focusing on teaching them a lesson. You are the one that will suffer from the consequences of your actions. If this is how they are, you wont be hurting them as much as you think.
Sure, we got the proverbial "but my friends....". But she also had the life examples of how to screw up your life in 6 easy steps...4 cousins, 2 Aunts. She was the 1st grandchild to finish college, march in the Rose Bowl Parade as she was a band member in the AZ State Univ marching band, is an RN, been to Europe, great career she loves and the money that affords her the life style she has.
She did have a very very bad relationship with a boyfriend we met (we lived out of State, she was still in AZ), but we didn't know what was going on. When we did....whoa Belly! That is an area she just avoids. Says if it happens it happens, if not oh well.
She is really great with checking up on Mom when she travels back home and provides all the details for me and with pictures to archive when I may need them.
She and I are so much alike and really, who wants to truly be told that they're just like their Mother?
She becomes enraged with the conditions of neglect by my sister. Mom has diabetes, doesn't wear slippers to protect her feet, could stub a toe, gangrene set in....
My sister claims to be 24/7 caregiver....what a joke but people believe her. Doesn't lift a finger to clean the house. Says she helps Mom go through the bills, yet I my visit last year, I found at least 1/2 doz 30 days or more past due. Sister does day trips on weekends with her 2 daughters and their kids. Calls from work to have Mom tell her what her sugar levels are and inject the insulin if needed; she refills the syringes before going to work.
Nixed my help to provide in house care because what I could afford didn't take this "burden" completely off her back.
I don't want for others to think I'm patting myself on the back or feel self righteous, but like your son, I have always been the one trying to keep the family I remember growing up with, including extended family together.
Having up to 30 family members all at Thanksgiving dinner that we would use picnic tables outside so we were all together. Christmas was the same.
I would have these holidays at our home so as to try to have that type of memory for our daughter. I always planned games everyone had to participate, white elephant bags if you answered the question before time was up or before another did. Then it would become the steal from another if you wanted what they won.
Now, our daughter moved to the State we live, close enough if she needs us in case of emergency, yet far enough she has her social life without interfering by Mom.
The sibling living with Mom for at least 13 yrs now (was only suppose to be 6 mos great free room and board) claims the caregiver part.
2nd sibling had a long required vacation provided by the taxpayers for about 2 yrs.
3rd sibling lives in another State and is able to go visit at any point because of benefit to fly free. Would go visit a few times a year, but now he doesn't want to get involved or listen to Mom's complaining.
I feel guilty because I always cared for Mom during her bouts with depression. Got the 3:00 AM calls when our Dad left her and she'd threaten suicide. She has slept on the sofa since 1985 when Dad left. I would, not wanting to, help her exact her revenge during that time even though we lived out of State. I'm the one she'd call about how the others mistreated her for whatever reason.
When we did move back in State for a number of years, I made up excuses to take her out for lunch or she/step-father to dinnerni.e. National Mom to _____ Day. I did the same for my older sibling because she didn't have the means to just enjoy a day and be pampered.
You just do not treat your parents, especially your Mother the way she is being treated. She took care of us when we were sick, needed a shoulder, taught us right from wrong and no matter what, we'll always be her babies. Then the time comes to reverse that role and I'm not there to do it or make sure it's being done.
Family values have most definitely disappeared.
The ironic thing with the brother; he has a 4 yr old granddaughter that he/wife have not been allowed to see (they have to make an appointment) in over 3 years. His son is a youth minister and lives less than an hour's drive from them. The other son...180 and he/wife/baby live 4+ hours away in a neighboring State!
That is what I would call Karma.
There is no doubt in my mind that when my in-laws possessions were distributed, some got more than others. There are a pair of very expensive figurines that just “disappeared”.
It’s a very sad situation. It’s also annoying and frustrating, isn’t it? I’m an only child who always wished I’d had brothers and sisters. Not anymore. Hugs to you for having to go through this.
Be careful none of it back fires!
Take care of her and yourself first. Good luck
I think using the term "getting even" realky was not what I meant or should have used.
Yes, I can't fathom why siblings of the person in need, feel that they are entitled to something they did not work to obtain.
Case in point: Great-any multi-millionaire, no children, 8 or 9 half siblings, know idea how many nieces and nephews (only knew of my dad/his sister). Same with grand nieces/nephews. We, as grand nieces/nephew were not included in her Will. To me, no big deal, we lived in 1 State she another and we did not have the same type relationship our cousins did.
ALL of her living siblings except my Grandmother, her only sister, were like vulchars circling above her. They even made comments AT THE FUNERAL ABD CEMETERY as to why would she spend all that money for a casket and grave vault because no one would see it anyway. HER OWN BROTHERS DIDNT EVEN KNOW THAT HER MIDDLE NAME WAS CHANGED AFTER SHE CONVERTED TO CATHOLICISM TO MARRY HER HUSBAND, TO THE SAINT SHE CHOSE AT HER BAPTISM!😂
Then they contested the Will because THEY FELT THEY DESERVED MORE MONEY FROM HER ESTATE.
I told them at the cemetery that I would have preferred she had written a check for all of her assets with a note in the casket telling ALL OF THEM that she WAS taking it with her. Geez Louise people.
That is exactly what my siblings are doing with Mom.
Yes, I am required to do as stated in her Will with the monies, BUT she also stated none receive a dime until I have taken care if everything that needs to be.
That I have full discretion as to the distribution all possessions. Any contestment will deprive them of what she has stated.
Should this one sibling convince Mom to sign over the car to her or any of her children/grandchildren; Estate attorney says that I can enforce the return if vehicles to the Estate OR have whoever buy the car from the Estate at the book value upon the time they took possession.
I never ever planned and promised Mom I would do as she wanted; she did however without truly realizing even though I kept asking her as I prepared the Codicil, that there is some leeway in some situations.
Yes, I will/would feel guilty and would need to speak with my therapist afterward, but with what they have done this far in attempt to get what they are not entitled as yet along with the treatment or lack of true concern for Mom; I will do what is required to do by Law, but I will also keep that door ajar in there areas that Mom has allowed me to make the decisions which will not be changing the Will itself, but will allow for judgement decisions.
They don't even realize that they do not have the right to decide ANYTHING when it comes to funeral plans...all of that falls to me and me only.
I have always been respectful even at the age of 64 to both parents and step-father (don't like, never have Dad's wife) while the others say what they want and how they want. Everyone practically has a heart attack and then tells me how inconsiderate should I do the same toward them.
So, I think it really comes down to a matter of they all think they're in the driver's seat and are in for a big surprise at the end. The one sibling that they all pushed aside, called drama queen, get over it, you want to be the one in charge of the world etc; this will be the time that show will be on the other foot for them as Mom did place me in charge and it's etched in stone too.
I’m afraid that ultimately it’d be better to just go through the legal process (probate) after your mom passes away. You’ve got something to hold over your sister’s head forever. She committed fraud. Do with that what you will. You have won.
But if you understand probate, know the state laws and are being advised by an attorney- you must also know that as executor you are legally bound to act in accordance to your mothers will - completely- not just partially.
An executor does not have the power to change or tweak the will - and a probate judge will make sure of it.
After everything you’ve been through it would be a shame to make matters worse in the name of getting even.
I worry that this may have consumed you if you have gone so far as to take video and bring it to your therapist. In the end, the financial stuff will go according to the laws in place so this goal to get even may be to your own detriment. Living a happy life is the best revenge. Why not make that your goal instead. If your siblings are the pieces of trash that you make them out to be they will get whats coming to them with or without your help. Karma you know..........
Why not instead concentrate on making your Mom's last days as fulfilling as you can. All this other stuff can wait. Good luck to you.
There may be better ways to deal with siblings that don't involve you taking revenge or getting even. Ask your therapist and your attorney.
The goal is to get through this difficult time for you, with your sanity intact. Imo.