My dad (age 88) and stepmom (age 77) have been married for 21 years. There are adult children on both sides. As my dad has gotten older, he has grown in his tendency to just want to be at home. On the whole, this is fine, but my stepmom, still being younger and in good health, wants to go and do things, including some travel. Dad doesn't want to travel, though, and even though he is generally in good health for his age, he really doesn't do well to be left alone for more than a work day. Unfortunately, the house they live in belongs solely to my stepmom, and for whatever reason, she won't let anyone, not even me or my 3 siblings, stay in the home with our dad while she travels. So, she gets put out because no one takes him anywhere so she can get a break, but he refuses to go anywhere. She wanted to go 3 hours away to her timeshare for a week or two, and she told me this year that "no" was not an option. She would make him go. Imagine my surprise when I found them at home during the time they were supposed to be away. And she was mad as a hornet at everyone, even though none of us knew about the problem. So, in a sense, they have imprisoned themselves. She won't let any of us stay there to care for him, and he won't go anywhere, even with her, most of the time, other than occasionally church, or out to eat. It has been well-established that she is not going to bend on allowing any of us to stay there, so the only thing left is to figure out a way to get Dad to cooperate with leaving. Do we medicate him? Pay one her relatives to stay there since we aren't allowed to? Or what? We love our stepmom and want to help the situation, but it feels like our hands are tied. I would love to hear about any ways you have been successful getting an elderly person to cooperate in something big like this. Thank you in advance!
Grandma1954, I'm certain there are wills in place. The contents of them simply have not been made known to us. A trust is not necessary for my dad's estate, and my stepmom's is not our business. Dad's things come to us and hers go to her family. The only issue, as has been brought up, is where he will live if she predeceases him. We do need to get that question answered, however unlikely that scenario may be.
Llamalover47, there are a host of excuses my stepmom gives for not allowing anyone but a few select blood relatives in her house while she is not there to supervise. It is not uncommon for the elderly to have issues with outside caregivers, and to be fair, my stepmom is elderly, too. I have also known her long enough to know that she and my father can be equally stubborn. My sister may be making some headway in getting my stepmom to bend, but if she won't, we will have to get to the point where we just say, "Sorry, we tried. You're stuck unless you are willing to change."
Churchmouse, my dad is so able-bodied for his age that there is a part of me that thinks it is extremely sad that he has taken to his chair. He could be living so much more life since he is still here, has his mental faculties and can even drive. There are so many folks decades younger than him that can't do half of what he can do. And, I am sympathetic to a caregiver's need to get away. I also have a longer track record with my dad. I've known my stepmom for 20ish years, but I've known Dad my entire life. The roots are deeper and I feel more potential for success there. So, I guess that is why I feel bad for the both of them. They are, in a sense, imprisoning themselves. If Dad would come stay with one of us even for a week, Mom could get a break. If Mom would allow someone to stay at her house with Dad, she could get a break. But one of them needs to budge. I guess I had more hope of getting Dad to budge than Mom. Even my stepbrother says that she is unlikely to bend. So, we are at an impasse. In the end, if neither of them will budge, we will have to let the crumbs fall where they may. At the moment, my sister thinks she is making progress, though, so we shall see.
Thanks for your input!