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My dad (age 88) and stepmom (age 77) have been married for 21 years. There are adult children on both sides. As my dad has gotten older, he has grown in his tendency to just want to be at home. On the whole, this is fine, but my stepmom, still being younger and in good health, wants to go and do things, including some travel. Dad doesn't want to travel, though, and even though he is generally in good health for his age, he really doesn't do well to be left alone for more than a work day. Unfortunately, the house they live in belongs solely to my stepmom, and for whatever reason, she won't let anyone, not even me or my 3 siblings, stay in the home with our dad while she travels. So, she gets put out because no one takes him anywhere so she can get a break, but he refuses to go anywhere. She wanted to go 3 hours away to her timeshare for a week or two, and she told me this year that "no" was not an option. She would make him go. Imagine my surprise when I found them at home during the time they were supposed to be away. And she was mad as a hornet at everyone, even though none of us knew about the problem. So, in a sense, they have imprisoned themselves. She won't let any of us stay there to care for him, and he won't go anywhere, even with her, most of the time, other than occasionally church, or out to eat. It has been well-established that she is not going to bend on allowing any of us to stay there, so the only thing left is to figure out a way to get Dad to cooperate with leaving. Do we medicate him? Pay one her relatives to stay there since we aren't allowed to? Or what? We love our stepmom and want to help the situation, but it feels like our hands are tied. I would love to hear about any ways you have been successful getting an elderly person to cooperate in something big like this. Thank you in advance!

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I'm coming at this from a rather unique perspective, I think. I have an adult son with sevear autism who lives at home with hubby and me. It is my own issues that prevent me from allowing Rainman to stay overnight anywhere but home. When Rainman was 13 he had an accident at school - actually he swallowed two small plastic toy bugs which perforated his intestines - two emergency surgeries, six weeks in the hospital, - on two occasions he "coded" and I almost lost my baby. Okay - so my house is Rainman proofed. The thought of what he could get into in a strange home sends me into a panic attack. If hubby and I want to go to the beach for a long weekend alone someone must come here - even though I HATE it. I'm a little quirky about my privacy and I don't like people in my stuff - I'm a bit OCD - if my dishes aren't put away right, I get real cranky. Okay - finally my point - while I may not like it, I have to accept that if I want a break from Rainman I have to let someone spend the night with him in my house. We have a guy who was Rainmans one-on-one his last two years of school and we have been paying him once or twice a week for three years now to take Rainman on outings - I trust him as much as I can trust anyone with my vulnerable, nonverbal baby - he and his wife come spend the weekend. What's more - I do a lot of little extras to make the time nice for them so they'll keep wanting to do these respite breaks. JungleJan - as time passes - even if you could get your dad to agree - the fact is, it will get more and more difficult to care for him away from his own home. I think it's great you are looking for solutions as far as getting your dad out of the house to accommodate your SM - but honestly, this is the tail wagging the dog, in my opinion. SM is the one asking for help. Clearly it would be easier on you and better for you dad if you/someone could spend the night with him instead of vise versa. Just my opinion but the problem is with you SM and I'd say start there.
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Your hands are tied.

The house is in her name so she gets to dictate who stays with your father? What kind of a marriage is that?

I'm glad you love her. That probably helps your blood pressure a lot. But this "imprisonment" is of her making. She has the power to change things. You don't.
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Just want to clarify that I don't consider having an elder (or anyone else, for that matter) evaluated for a brain-based condition and prescribed proper meds for that condition to be "drugging" them.

If your brain is lacking in a chemical that it used to produce, or that it's supposed to be producing, and you supply it in pill form, I believe that's simply living a better life through chemistry. It doesn't change who you are.

My husband, who was being followed by a prescribing psychiatrist post open-heart surgery, asked if the doc thought he had ADD. The doc said that he thought it was possible and that a short trial of a stimulant would either help or do nothing, so let's give it a try.

After a few days on Ritalin, my 60 year old husband's comment was, "Wow, I'd have had a whole different life if I'd gotten this stuff when I was a kid".

Isn't that sad?
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I wonder if your dad has developed a phobia of leaving the house. It's not uncommon in seniors who get isolated. Eventually, they are just afraid and it's not rational, but might be treated if that is the case. I think the doctor idea is good. Meds might help.

Also, do you know if there is some hidden reason that your mom does not want him to stay alone with someone else? Do you think he may have any condition, like memory problems, that she does not want others to know? That might explain why she's so protective of him.

If that is not the case and he's fine, but just doesn't like to travel, then, the call to stay home is your step mom's. I'd let her suffer and miss out if that's what she chooses.
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She sounds like a totally unreasonable person. Unless you are convicted felons, what earthly reason does she have for not letting you help out by staying over?

It sounds like she would beefit from some counseling and perhaps medication for what is clearly a psychological problem.
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Change is hard for elders. Sometimes medication helps. If your dad has any cognitive loss, he knows he can't fake it as well in a new environment.

And then there's the whole bathroom thing. While my mom still lived at home, she became more and more resistant to going out. Long story short, she was overusing both fiber tablets and immidium, creating a condition called fecal incontinence. She ended up in the hospital and it got dealt with, but it made us realize she couldn't be in charge of her meds any longer.
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JungleJan I doubt the bathroom issue is the real problem because he could use an indwelling Foley for the duration of the trip. The real problem is step Mom. She seems very paranoid about leaving others in her house. Do you know why? Is it a privacy thing? Is she afraid the family will go through her papers etc and find things she does not want you to know?
As for Dad at his age he probably simply does not want to be bothered. he is happy in his own little world. Even staying with a relative would be difficult because everything is strange and there is more going on and he has nowhere to hide. Nothing works the same in another house, like the taps turn on differently or the house is too hot or too cold, where to put his shaving stuff. Maybe he is afraid of disturbing others if he has to get up and maybe does not dare poke around in the kitchen if he wants a cup of coffee at 3am.
This is not just Dad being uncooperative it is an old man who feels safe in his own shell. Of course a change would be "good for him" BUT people need to stop expecting elders to do what is good for them and let them make their own choices. It is like becoming "Institutionalized" except that it is "Homealized"
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Good! Have the meeting with siblings. You will be a step ahead of most and even if you don't come up with a decision you will all be on the same page. I'm glad you are allowed to visit overnight. It sounds like to me that dad has it under control as far as he is concerned. He's not traveling. He has the right not to. I know it's very hard to broach the hard subjects but you'll be surprised how once the ice is broken, it's much easier. Maybe she wants to just vent as all care takers do. You can express your appreciation for her taking such good care of your dad. You can have empathy for how hard it is sometimes but at the end of the day you have to tell her that the life they have built together and the decisions they have made leave you unable to help beyond your willingness to stay over when she wants to leave. Perhaps she needs to hear that before she can let it go. Let us know how things work out. You obviously want both of them to be happy.
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JungleJan, between your stay at home Dad and your climbing the walls Stepmother, you must be fit to be tied!

But I'm curious: other than that you're more hopeful of getting him to budge, why are you more sympathetic to her bonkersness about not allowing even house-trained non-felon family members to stay overnight than you are about his not wanting to leave the comfort of his own favourite armchair?
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Your parents did a good job raising you - seems you've turned out a good person. Well done!
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