How can I get mom to accept outside help?

Follow
Share
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
20

Answers

Show:
how can we get help at home for an elderly lady that can't do anything for herself and can't stand or walk
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

how can we get help at home for an elderly lady that can't do anything for herself and can't stand or walk
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am new to this site, but one thing I have learned is I am not alone. Like you said as you head for your Mother's home you can think you are not the only one doing this. My husband says "what else are we to do". Like I said he and his sister are taking care of his mother. She is just fine mentally and is in great health but had a stroke 2 1/2 years ago and can not use her left side, so someone needs to be there 24/7. I started out helping 3 days a week but soon realized this is harder than I thought, then went to 1 night and everyother weekend. after a year my mother got that she could not be at home alone and she moved in with us until the personal care home could take her. I still went to my mother inlaws every Wednesday evening to give my sister inlaw a break and then my husband comes to relieve me at 8:30 and he spends the night. We do this for 6 months until Mother goes to the personal care home. I never went back to helping more than Wednesday evenings as I needed to give my Mother more attention. I started going to see My Mother on Fridays after work and spent the evening with her as my husband would stop at his mothers fix her supper and spend the night with her. Now she has many pee and poopy accidents that he has had to clean. I guess I get so frustrated about this, she has money for extra help and she does have a girl come in 2 days a week. But that is only 64 hours a month what about the other 1000 hours someone needs to be there. Any way my mother did not want to stay at the home and is back in her own little home. I am glad she is home but is not to well but is able to be alone for the most, I still go on Fridays and a few friends check on her. Through all this boo hooing I am doing. Would you believe, My favorite hymn is 'It is well with my Soul' An I do believe it and am comforted by this hymn. Also we have a 37 year old son that has sufferd with depression off and on for 20 years. He lives with us and has been going through a bad time and has not worked for the last year. Thank you for letting me write all this down and someone out there cares and understands.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mother is 91 and lives alone. I call her every night and take her to the grocery store and on errands on Sunday. I also do minor repairs around her house and write the checks for her bills.

I also am exhausted, mostly from the tedium of her personality. She says the same things over and over and over. I've heard it all before so many times. I want to scream.

It's good to know other daughters are experiencing the same burnout. I wish I had a solution. But all I can give is solidarity. We have to do it because it is the ethical thing to do and there's no one else.

I'll think about you ladies when I get in my car on Sunday and head over to my mother's house. It's not just me who has the onerous task.

God bless us all.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am also an only child and care for my mother, same as you she lives alone, I go every friday after work. I get her groceries help her with a shower and dishes from most of the week. she tries to do some of them or at least put in dish washer. She has a lady once a month clean her house and change her sheets and some friends from church stop most sunday afternoons, they take the garbage with them. It is working at this time. But she did spend 6 months with us and 1 month in rehab and 3 months in a personal care home and now back to her town house, I felt like all I did was move last year. In the mean time my husband is helping to take care of his mother after having a stroke in Feb. 2007, he and his sister are taking care of her. He spends 3 nights one week and 4 nights the next week.He also works full time, this time of out lives are not fun. So many folks are in our shoes, I am a christian woman and am having a hard time with my feelings. Also My dad is 82 and living on his own. Mother and Dad got a divorce in 1962, In this day and age is so bad in a nursing home? We have several good ones in our area. I know my mom did not like it at the personal care home. I guess home is the best. But!!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Dysfunction runs in families for reasons - and now they are finding that there is a genetic link to all sorts of mental illness. Its not just heart disease and diabetes that runs in families. I am encouraged to see that there seems to be no stigma on this board about admitting mental illness is in their families since so many are coping with the social problems created by mental illness as they struggle to care for their parents. Good for you gals
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Dear Jenny, I like your emphasis on grace. God bless you, and hope you find your well-deserved rest. Take care, and let us know how it went.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thanks re: the well wishes for a relaxing Sunday. Hopefully I can let go of the guilt long enough to enjoy the time. I have work to do this weekend, so that's another good reason that I need to stay home. I need to keep my job, and stuff won't get done once the parade of meetings starts back in again Monday morning.

I think mental issues are far more common than anyone suspects. And I think they just become exaggerated with age.

I think if you're able to think about bad behavior or negativity in the following light—it's not mother, it's her disease that's talking—that can help. But it's hard not to get sucked into all the things that go along with the disease sometimes. It's hard to take the high road and let things roll off your back all the time.

The fact that you're willing to help your mother and that you are, in fact, dealing with all of this on top of the normal rigors of caregiving is something for you to feel good about even though you may not always feel good or chipper while you're doing it.

I spoke to a friend of mine recently about some of the guilt, anger, and resentment that sometimes go along with caregiving and was beating myself up over it. She pointed out that despite all that, I was still continuing to do the right, admireable thing and take care of my mother the best I could.

So the lesson I'm going to hold onto today is that it's okay that I feel somewhat angry and resentful. And that is coming from not taking enough time out for myself. So I'm taking tomorrow off and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. It wouldn't be smart for me to go over there tomorrow given the way I'm feeling--I fear I'd say a few things that I couldn't take back. Sometimes we just have to walk away for awhile so that we're able to continue with the caregiving and be in the right emotional spot to do it with grace, willingness, and all the high-minded motivations that would be nice to feel all the time.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Dear Jenny, thank you for the laugh! Lord forbid you should get run over by a bus, indeed. Or any of us. Who would care for us? And thank God for wits. LOL

Wow, is the whole world mad? I mean, with all these mental diagnosis? I wonder how they label me?

Happy to hear your progress report on Mom. It's got to be tough to be nudged from the familiar into the unknown by others. Seems like comfort zones need emspansion and revision for all of us at times. Take care. Hope you have a blessed Sunday this week and some much needed rest.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thank you SecretSister for all your insight and kind thoughts. I know that my mom is unable to do some things--including packing. Like your mom, she has expressed a desire to move. And that is the long-term plan: to move her into my same apartment complex on a ground-level apartment. The problem is that my time is limited on the weekends, and getting over there during the week is nearly impossible. So if she could hire someone to have this basic, routine stuff done, I could start helping her pack. But by the time I get done with all the basics, it's time for me to go home. Maybe that's the way I'll have to spell it out for her.

She has recently made phone calls to set up services for other things (e.g. transportation for appointments, etc.). And when she finally realized that I couldn't get over there during the week to pick up refills for her 25 medications (don't know exact number), she finally took my suggestion after a social worker told her the same thing (with a nudge from me): Make some phone calls and find a pharmacy that delivers. So she has made some progress, but it usually has to come from someone else. Or I've had to stress that she needs a Plan B. Some weeks I won't be able to get over there. And Lord forbid that I get run over by a bus. She'd have no one to buy groceries or do those other things for her. But I bet she'd figure it out if she had to.

Fortunately, she still has her wits about her and her mind is still as sharp as a tack. In fact, she has a better memory than I do. So it's not that she's not capable of making the phone calls, it's just that she hasn't really had to like she did with the prescriptions. So my not going over there tomorrow will force the issue, I'm hoping.

I am sorry to hear about your mom's personality disorder diagnosis. That's a tough thing to deal with, and I admire the fact that you're able to be so patient with it. Sometimes it's hard to separate what's directed at us, and what simply comes from the disease. I've long suspected that my mom is undiagnosed bipolar, and in fact, had a nurse recently tell me that she suspected the same thing. So caregiving with that added condition that you describe is that much more difficult--especially since these things generally don't improve with age.

Hang in there, and thanks for the hug. :-)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions