How can we get a control-freak dad with dementia to stop driving?

We have to remember if we take something away from an elder, we need to replace it with something else.

Like us doing all the driving, but set boundaries right away, otherwise you will find yourself with Dad in Home Depot roaming around the store for 2 hours one a week and Dad only have one light bulb in his basket. Or Mom want you to go to 3 different groceries stores to purchase maybe 5 items at each one because that is how she does it.

To anyone facing the elder driving issue, ask yourself one question: Would you let your kids or grandkids ride with them? If this would make you nervous, it's time to get the keys, ALL THE KEYS, and disable or move the ca away.

Have they had fender benders, lots of scratches and dings, getting lost? No brainier, driving must stop.

I would not be surprise if my Dad physically confronts me when I end his driving. I am fully prepared if it comes to that. As bad as that might be its much easier than the guilt of him killing someone on the highway. Not to mention the liability.

Our roles get reversed. You are now the parent who has to make Daddy or Mom do things they don't want to do. We can't back down from our responsibilities because Dad would be really mad. There are much worse things.

There are many ways to disable a car. Remove the battery, flatten all the tires and spare, remove the spark plugs etc,etc. You can do it. Do it on the sly when your Dad's not around. He won't like it for sure but you absolutely can't let him drive. You'd feel terrible for the rest of your life if he killed someone while driving and so might he. It's a tough one for the old folks to give up the independence driving allows them but sometimes it must be done. Good Luck

barblpc, I see that in your case it is not a matter of getting his license revoked. That has already happened. Your concern is that he drives anyway, without a license.

Does the car have to be on the premises? Does someone else in the household drive it? If not, remove it. Perhaps some family member could store it at their house and it could be sold from there. Notify your local police of the situation, in case Dad calls it in stolen.

As soon as his doctor told us my husband could no longer drive, I had my brother store the car at his house until we decided what to do with it.

Not being able to drive was the single worst thing about dementia, in my husband's eyes. He mourned his little special edition Miata for a least a full year. This is a very sad, very traumatic event. My husband was not in any way a control freak and he also acknowledged that driving would put other people at risk. And it was STILL a very terrible loss for him. I won't expect your dad to take this well.

But how would he take it -- how would you take it -- if is momentary loss of concentration or his poor vision resulted in the death of a toddler in a stroller and her big sister pushing it? You must do everything in your power to prevent him from driving!

If for some reason it is not feasible to remove the car, then anyone who sees him leave in it should call the police immediately. This is a bit iffy if there is no one who lives with him who would always know when he leaves.

My heart goes out to all of you. This is tough!

My 93 year old dad has dementia & is a terrible driver. I took him to his doctor & his doctor filled out the form from the DMV stating that he had dementia & should not drive anymore. He explained to my Dad that he had to fill the form out honestly or he would be held accountable for being dishonest. My Dad was furious saying everybody was ganging up on him & that he was a good driver. I live upstairs from him & I take him anywhere he needs to go. He has always been very independent & stubborn. I had planned to take him to the DMV & have him turn in the form his doctor filled out, but he after asking everyone in our family to take him to renew his license & everyone told him no. So he snuck off & got his license renewed. He can't hear at all & they still renewed his license. I'm the youngest daughter & his care giver & he takes everything out on me. I'm always the bad person treating him like he's crazy. Last year he ran into the back of me at a red light & tore up my car. I'm caught in the middle & I don't know what I should & can do. I'm so afraid for his life, but most of all I'm afraid of the lives that he could take due to his inability to drive safely anymore. We live in Louisiana & I don't know what to do. He took off today in his truck & I couldn't stop him. Thank God he came back safely & didn't hurt anyone. I'm so afraid he is going to back out of driveway & run over someone on the sidewalk because he doesn't slow down at all or look for people behind him. What should I do? We have been battling about his driving for a year now.

Dear Barb,
Assuming your dad's emerging dementia and vision problems have been diagnosed by a Physician and is just not your opinion, you must get that Physician to notify the Dept of Motor Vehicles in your state to pull dad's license and notify local police accordingly. This gives the police the authority to act. Best case--they could impound the car and you do not have to be the heavy. Unless you are the court-appointed Guardian of your dad (worst situation you could be in), anything YOU do to HIS car would be considered vandalism in the eyes of the Courts. All he has to do is press charges against you. But if you are the Court-Appointed Guardian than it becomes YOUR responsibility to prevent him from driving. Translation: you will be sued if he has an at-fault accident and it can be proven that you knew he was not fit to drive but did nothing to constrain him.

Take the battery out of the car.

Dear Barb, We've been there with my parents, who both lost their license. I went to the local police, and they told us to disable the car. We thought we did, only to find out it hadn't worked. An option is to call the police when you know they're out and about. Let them handle it, which saves you from being the heavy. And perhaps lives will be spared from your actions. Remember, you're not being "mean," just trying to save those who have lost their judgment, as well. We took away all the keys, only to make Dad mad, and get new keys made. Back to the police we went, who told us to drive the cars away. Who knows what could have happened if we didn't. But, as Court-appointed Guardian and Conservator for both parents, I had the legal authority, as well. These are difficult decisions. It is wise to get good counsel. Prayer helps. God's blessing to you on your journey... Will be praying for you and your situation, Barb.