No no and thrice no your brothers and sister need to do their bit or pay for the care for the day easy for me to say that I know but you’ve done more than your whack hope you get a nice day off xxx
Let me give you all a little bit more explanation of my situation.
1-I am 65 years old and I am Not Receiving any money for mom's care, no one is paying me. I have my own apartment paying my rent after selling my house 🏠. The discussion was that we would take turn sleeping at mom, now everyone is too busy to spend a night so I told them that I need 2 nights off, the solution is that we find someone and we split the payment. Since the age of 12 I have always been the one that took care of everything and everyone and never complained because that's how I was raised. There's lots more to the story but too much to type here.
Avarose, please could you give some more details about all this, because it's confusing. It reads as though you are living in Mother’s house with her, and the siblings are doing the line that your ‘free accommodation’ is the ‘payment’ for care. It does NOT sound as though any care they have done has been on a paid basis. It's possible that you are getting paid, but how much? Just food and pocket money is totally unreasonable.
You owe nothing to your siblings, and very little to your mother. You were “treated like an employee by my mom instead of her daughter and this have always been this way since I was younger”.
You need to get out of this situation, with no guilt on your part at all. It doesn't matter what you agreed to in the past, this is outrageous. Don’t wait for ‘permission’ or encouragement. Suggestions: Just go away for your night off, making no arrangements except to tell mother and the siblings it’s on them. They’ll all cope. Plus, find out the cost of the ‘relief’ you were supposed to arrange and pay for, and tell mother that’s what you need to be paid from now on. Plus, suggest that it’s time for mother to consider moving to a care facility, as you are intending to leave in three months time.
If this all seems too hard, book a session with a counselor to get a third person’s view on how to look after yourself! This is no way to live, or to make your own financial preparations for your own old age.
I am not getting paid neither am I living with my mom, I have an apartment which I am not giving up. The decision we made was that each one of us would take turn spending the night because she can't be left alone but I am there every night. I am not complaining about taking care of mom,, after all she's our mom and we are supposed to take care of her. What gets me upset is my brother and sister is not honoring the agreement. And oh, I spend my own money on me and mom.
Lol well if their the same as my siblings then hell yeah. Mine expected me to move my mom into my home, pay for an addition, take care of everything as I always do and ask their permission on how everything is handled. I cut them off. And out.
Thank you all for your response, here's my answer. 1-all 4 of us made the decision to keep mom in her appointment and we take turn staying the night with her, that never happened because "we are busy". 2-I have my own apartment which I only slept in 1 night in a whole year. 3- I do not get paid, (I have a little more money than my siblings, I worked very hard and saved for, and I don't go around saying what I don't have), they think that I don't need to be paid...I buy my own food, mom's money is spent on supplies for her.
If you have your own place to live and money saved, your way forward is much easier. Notify mom and sibs that as of *whatever date* (and were it me, I would make that date sooner rather than later) you will be moving BACK into your apartment, and they (mom and sibs) will have to have a discussion and plan on going forward with caregiving plans for mom, be it placement, hired help, or sibs start "stepping up" and staying with mom.
But make it clear that you, yourself, will NOT be the solution to the problem.
You must realize that your situation, as it stands, is not tenable. Your money will not last forever if you are no longer working; if you are working, your health will not last with no respite from caregiving.
You are only as trapped as you allow yourself to be. You are in a far better position than a lot of people here; please take advantage of it while you still can.
Your profile says you are "treated as an employee rather than a daughter by your mom" and it's been like that since you were a child.
1) Realize that this treatment is not going to change.
2) OK. So you're an employee, not a daughter. You're being treated like a paid caregiver. So are you actually being paid? If so, do you know ANYONE in the world who does their paid job 24/7? Do you know of people who have a paying job and are responsible to also find their own replacement - as well as PAY for said replacement out of their own money- when they have days off? No? Neither do I.
So here's my advice: If your family insists on treating you like a paid employee, then make them realize that that pendulum swings both ways. See an attorney and have a caregiving contract drawn up - one that includes a set, hourly schedule (with time over the schedule= paid overtime), days off, vacation time, etc. as well as taxes being withheld, social security/FICA withholdings, etc. And make sure that a *very* clear stipulation in that contract is that the EMPLOYER (mom, sibs, whatever) is responsible to find/screen/hire/pay any replacement/respite care that is needed.
NOW - if you're living with mom, in order to really make this work, you will need to move out; so long as you live under her roof - especially if you do not pay rent or anything towards the household bills - this caregiving will be viewed as a quid pro quo scenario by your family - ie. you live for free/reduced cost in exchange for taking care of mom. It's actually how a lot of people end up in your very situation, and it never, ever ends well for the caregiver. Once the person in need of care no longer needs that care in their home - be it placement into a facility, move into another sibling's home or death - the person who was bartering living expenses for caregiving finds themselves out of a home and with limited job opportunities.
You're the one who is going to have to decide which decision - move out and treat this as a job or stay with mom at a greatly reduced MONETARY cost and continue in this pattern - is best for you.
I'm wondering if there's a lot more to the unfairness than what you posted above. From your profile: "I gave my living to come and help my brother's and sister with my mom over 1 year now..but it turns out to be only me full-time.."
You gave up your living (job?) to take care of your mother? Does she pay you? Why did you do this? How old are you? Do you have retirement savings? Health insurance?
What is your mother's financial situation? Are you satisfied to be the 24/7/365 caregiving slave? You wrote your mother treats you like an employee. Well, are you an employee? Or are you allowing her to take advantage of you?
Was your agreement that you and your siblings would share the responsibility for your mom's care? If so, they need to step up and take care of her so that you can have time away. If they agreed to share in the care and are not reneging on that agreement, hire someone and send them the bill (don't hold your breath for payment). If there was no such agreement that they would help with care, then hire someone and have mom pay for that.
your brothers and sister need to do their bit or pay for the care for the day
easy for me to say that I know but you’ve done more than your whack
hope you get a nice day off xxx
Let me give you all a little bit more explanation of my situation.
1-I am 65 years old and I am Not Receiving any money for mom's care, no one is paying me. I have my own apartment paying my rent after selling my house 🏠. The discussion was that we would take turn sleeping at mom, now everyone is too busy to spend a night so I told them that I need 2 nights off, the solution is that we find someone and we split the payment. Since the age of 12 I have always been the one that took care of everything and everyone and never complained because that's how I was raised. There's lots more to the story but too much to type here.
You owe nothing to your siblings, and very little to your mother. You were “treated like an employee by my mom instead of her daughter and this have always been this way since I was younger”.
You need to get out of this situation, with no guilt on your part at all. It doesn't matter what you agreed to in the past, this is outrageous. Don’t wait for ‘permission’ or encouragement. Suggestions: Just go away for your night off, making no arrangements except to tell mother and the siblings it’s on them. They’ll all cope. Plus, find out the cost of the ‘relief’ you were supposed to arrange and pay for, and tell mother that’s what you need to be paid from now on. Plus, suggest that it’s time for mother to consider moving to a care facility, as you are intending to leave in three months time.
If this all seems too hard, book a session with a counselor to get a third person’s view on how to look after yourself! This is no way to live, or to make your own financial preparations for your own old age.
1-all 4 of us made the decision to keep mom in her appointment and we take turn staying the night with her, that never happened because "we are busy".
2-I have my own apartment which I only slept in 1 night in a whole year.
3- I do not get paid, (I have a little more money than my siblings, I worked very hard and saved for, and I don't go around saying what I don't have), they think that I don't need to be paid...I buy my own food, mom's money is spent on supplies for her.
But make it clear that you, yourself, will NOT be the solution to the problem.
You must realize that your situation, as it stands, is not tenable. Your money will not last forever if you are no longer working; if you are working, your health will not last with no respite from caregiving.
You are only as trapped as you allow yourself to be. You are in a far better position than a lot of people here; please take advantage of it while you still can.
Good luck!
1) Realize that this treatment is not going to change.
2) OK. So you're an employee, not a daughter. You're being treated like a paid caregiver. So are you actually being paid? If so, do you know ANYONE in the world who does their paid job 24/7? Do you know of people who have a paying job and are responsible to also find their own replacement - as well as PAY for said replacement out of their own money- when they have days off? No? Neither do I.
So here's my advice: If your family insists on treating you like a paid employee, then make them realize that that pendulum swings both ways. See an attorney and have a caregiving contract drawn up - one that includes a set, hourly schedule (with time over the schedule= paid overtime), days off, vacation time, etc. as well as taxes being withheld, social security/FICA withholdings, etc. And make sure that a *very* clear stipulation in that contract is that the EMPLOYER (mom, sibs, whatever) is responsible to find/screen/hire/pay any replacement/respite care that is needed.
NOW - if you're living with mom, in order to really make this work, you will need to move out; so long as you live under her roof - especially if you do not pay rent or anything towards the household bills - this caregiving will be viewed as a quid pro quo scenario by your family - ie. you live for free/reduced cost in exchange for taking care of mom. It's actually how a lot of people end up in your very situation, and it never, ever ends well for the caregiver. Once the person in need of care no longer needs that care in their home - be it placement into a facility, move into another sibling's home or death - the person who was bartering living expenses for caregiving finds themselves out of a home and with limited job opportunities.
You're the one who is going to have to decide which decision - move out and treat this as a job or stay with mom at a greatly reduced MONETARY cost and continue in this pattern - is best for you.
Good luck.
You gave up your living (job?) to take care of your mother? Does she pay you? Why did you do this? How old are you? Do you have retirement savings? Health insurance?
What is your mother's financial situation? Are you satisfied to be the 24/7/365 caregiving slave? You wrote your mother treats you like an employee. Well, are you an employee? Or are you allowing her to take advantage of you?
Who is your mother's POA/HCPOA?
You are being used as a doormat and it's time to stand up and leave them to figure this out.
Then it would be on you and/or the employer (the mom) to arrange the respite care and for you to pay it out of your PTO or get mom to.