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I am not sure and the behavior indicates conditions worse then SHE thinks. need official examine to know .

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I would suggest, as another poster did, to have a doctor that your wife trusts make a referral to a neurologist. This is what happened with my Dad. He was having some problems (over a longer expanse of time than we realized) and his family doctor referred him to a neurologist after doing a few tests. I think that some doctors are already doing these tests as part of their annual or bi-annual meetings with patients who are over a certain age. And if they're not, they should be! Of course, you can't force somebody to see a doctor if they don't want to and if they're still considered to be of sound mind.

But you also have to realize that when you have a relationship with someone, and especially when this relationship involves a spouse, that you are more than someone looking in from the outside on a person with dementia or possible dementia, or any other disease for that matter. When you marry someone you're making a commitment to help that person through certain trials and tribulations. You can't just jump ship when your spouse gets ill, becomes disabled, develops dementia, etc. You might end up moving the spouse at some point to a nursing home, etc., for their own good so that they're taken care of, but that doesn't mean they're out of your life. Having a loved one with dementia can include mighty struggles and heartache and doubts and guilt and pressures. There are times you want it to end RIGHT NOW, and times you know you'll hurt so badly when that time comes that is does end. You also have days when your loved one is almost the person you knew "before", and you just know he or she is getting better (not). It can and will affect your own health, which means you have to take care of yourself also. It's not easy. And it won't get any easier. You just have to make decisions and do what is BEST for BOTH of you.
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What do you mean by "the daughter is not visitable"? Are there problems between her and her mother, or is it step situation? Or is she too far away? If so she may not be the best guardian either. Good luck with this, and I am sure the age difference does not help ( as I can see from some of the comments here) It must be like taking care of a toddler and your mother at the same time , while it is your wife. I'll be thinking of you both .
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Given that your health is already in jeopardy, you could petition the court to have your daughter appointed as guardian. The court will then ask for the MD's opinion, as well as another opinion from a court appointed MD. You and baby girl should talk to an attorney about whether this is the way to go.
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Thank you all for the suggestions and assistance.
to answer one , no there is NO other mate /woman etc. But i have become mean and alittle destroyed in this so far. The daughter is not visitable and i cannot afford medical help or vacation or anything (salt water omg) that would help. Man up? your right .. The process is gonna be hard to assess her situation and then see what can be done. in answer to anothers question. I'm 48 she is 70.
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My dad was always pretty good about going to the Dr. They referred him to a neuro specialist. He thought the tests were fun and that he had done well (NOT) He still talks about the games... maybe we were lucky, but a referral from a dr she trusts may help you here, and get the job done.Tell her it's a new part of her check up for people her age?
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Vladius, you wrote that your daughter recommends putting your wife in a nursing home, or presumably an assisted living, and that you should have gotten a POA. Vladius, she is right, at least about the POA. Talk to her seriously. If your wife would no longer be willing to give you POA,maybe your daughter could get it, maybe even with you as an alternate, and she could then resign at some point. Or, maybe you will have to go through an evaluation - billing it as part of a comprehensive medical checkup - and get a guardianship, but in that case, the person does have to be told and have a chance to contest it. You will want legal help if you have to go through that. I was thankful I did not need to do that with my mom - we had POAs that were not perfectly done but were good enough with a little extra documentation that was not hard to get by
the time we needed it. Two doctors who had been seeing my mom were very willing to write short letters to document her diagnosis and incapacity which the bank said was needed in order for me to sell her home - my childhood home - which I found to be the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I never even had to tell her it was sold...that would not have been the right way to handle it in many situations, but I think it may have been the best choice in ours.
I do not think your daughter wants to lose both of her parents and she is probably at her wit's end trying to get you to take care of yourself. She probably does not think she would hold up any better than you in trying to take care of her mom and possibly she is just being realistic. I do not know if it would make anything easier, but please know that her dementia is not your fault, her "lying" isn't really lying but wishful thinking, and her fear of losing control is understandable. The chances of her becoming cognizant of what is wrong with her and becoming willing to accept help on that basis are slim and none. You cannot control that process. You can only decide to do what makes sense instead of being a passive victim, even if it is hard and uncomfortable.

Talk to your daughter. Listen to her advice. It may not be perfect and you may not want to do everything she thinks should be done exactly the way she thinks it should be done, but doing at least some part of it could get you out of the deep hole you are in. Or, if you simply can't do that, get an outside advisor, e.g. and eldercare attorney or other consultant, and go, with or without your daughter. Just doing what you are doing, seeing how bad things are and seeing they will get worse, and yet not really facing the facts about the situation head on is just a disaster in slow motion. I had to "put my big girl panties on" and you have to "man up," I guess that's the best way to put it!
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She might think that and still be dead wrong, of course!
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Ouch!
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Are you on a mission to get your wife declared incompetent so you can get her institutionalized and go off and live your life with a younger mate. Maybe she has an idea what you are up to. Women who fear they are loosing their man are not very capable of thinking straight. Just a thought after reading Jinx post
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Instead of dying, you could just go away for a weekend or a week. See how she does without you. Could you visit baby girl?

In the doctor's office, could he do the evaluation on both of you, so she wouldn't feel singled out?

Please think of another plan besides dying to improve your life. You could get a divorce. Wouldn't that be better than dying? Is money a problem? I had a dear friend who lived contentedly at the YMCA for many years. If you were still alive but free and more relaxed, you would be able to help with her care without being destroyed by it.
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vladius852, you know that on airplanes when the flight attendants are giving their safety spiel they always tell us to put on our own oxygen masks first and then help our companion. I think that applies here. I think your first concern needs to be your own health.

Are you being treated for high blood pressure? Do you take all medications as directed? Are you eating well and getting some exercise? What are the doctor's instructions for when bp gets as high as it is now?

Do you think you might be depressed (in the clinical sense)? Saying that you long for one of you to die is what prompts this question. Depression is treatable -- usually with medication plus talk therapy. It might do you a lot of good to talk about your feelings with a caring professional.

Please, take care of YOU. You deserve it, no matter what lies ahead.

I think what you want is a thorough evaluation of your wife's health. I wouldn't refer to it as competency testing. That sounds like somebody is trying to declare her incompetent (or she might take it that way). Persons with early stage dementia are often not incompetent in the legal sense. There are other conditions that can cause erratic behavior that would not necessarily make her incompetent. Focus on the health aspects of the evaluation. You could explain that such an evaluation may uncover reasons for her forgetful spells (or whatever the main symptom is) and come up with ways to deal with it.

If your profile is correct your wife is 23 years older than you. My husband was almost 20 years older than I. This was not an issue or concern at all, until he really started to show his age. When one partner is suddenly "elderly" and the other is still actively in the work and social worlds, the difference is more apparent. Could any of what you are so worried and unhappy about be related to the age difference?

If your wife is not ready to consider a thorough health evaluation, what about marriage counseling? You are no longer happy together. She shows no desire for you. Even without any signs of declining mental health, your marriage sounds in trouble. Getting some objective professional outside help may do some good. And it may also be a way to confront mental health issues as well.

First, take care of yourself. You need it and you deserve it! Consider counselling, for your own emotional distress, and for the two of you as a couple. It would be good for your wife to have an evaluation, but that can wait while you work on getting yourself in better shape.

Best wishes to you.
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No, I'm sorry that I didn't succeed in sounding more sympathetic - I do see how frustrating and miserable this situation must be for you, and worrying with it. Not what you need when it would be nice if you could count instead on your wife's comfort and support for your own health!

I'd still talk to her doctor, or your own, about it. Partly to have your concerns on record, if nothing else. In her shoes, wouldn't you rather think that the doctor's an idiot than that your fears are correct and you're slowly losing your mind? You can tell that she must be worried, or she'd never have brought the subject up with her doctor as she did, let alone hint that she's aware of what's happening to her - but that's a long way away from being ready to face the frightening truth.

Hmmmm - I wonder if your daughter is posting on this forum???!! She's right, you know; at least to the extent that if you carry on as you are you're doing yourself and your wife no good in the long run.

Don't give up. Still don't pick fights with her, but tell people what's going on - her doctor, your doctor, any therapists you see for your own health care. Have you considered asking your daughter if she will accept POA for you? If you then become ill, she will be able to act in your place, which could include having the necessary confrontations to get your wife cared for. Of course I don't know what your daughter's feelings are towards her mother - it doesn't sound that promising at the moment - but it's clear she cares very much about you. If you want to stay with your wife, there are ways to make that happen and your daughter's not going to hurt you, is she?

I am the very last person in the world I would ask for relationship guidance, but meanwhile do you have friends, neighbours, anyone you could talk to about how you can get through a phase where you really can't like your wife much, even though you want to? If you didn't love her underneath, you wouldn't still be there. It would be so sad if that got lost because her dread, and her refusal to face up to things, got you both into a situation that nobody could ever manage.

She's afraid, and I don't blame her - it sounds as if she has a lot to fear - but that makes her a very difficult person to be around. Talk to her about other things, try to act normal, be nice even if you don't feel like it, see if you can get her to trust you to care about her. You're not being mean to her, you're desperately worried, I can see that; but leave it to professionals to give it to her straight. Then you can be there to help her deal with it, if that's good for you, without having been the villain of the piece.

It is not wrong to feel the way you do. The situation you're in is draining, frightening and depressing - but not hopeless. It will take time to change things, but getting the ball rolling will be a good start. Step 1 - ask for help. You only have to look around this forum to see that nobody can cope alone, and nobody gets everything right.

Good luck, please update x
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That B/P needs to be taken to the nearest ER right now. You are at extreme risk for a catastrophic event, you need treatment and respite.
Leaving will not absolve you of your responsibilities. It will just create more problems.
Do you have funds for assistive living? both of you need help and supervision at this point . How old are you both and is your daughter your only child. You both need to give POA to a third party that you trust. Are there other relatives who would step up? Your daughter sounds as though she would just dump both of you in a N/H.
The short answer is that you can't make your wife do anything she does not want to unless she is declared incompetent.
I won't write anymore now because you need to get yourself taken care of NOW and get away from the stress for at least a short while.
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true but whats best for someone is not always tasteful or kind or nice. ty for the response. She asked her Dr. once and he has to refer her to someone else. not 40minutes later she was home and cussing the "Dr" for questioning her competence??? She asked him-go figure. from what i can see, its a slow progression that she refuses to acknowledge. Once in awhile she says something quite on the ball with it, then back to the im fine. She loves to tell people (family) Oh yes I'm fine, i walk around the block couple times a week and play with my dogs in the yard.. SAY WHAT? that is a flat out lie, I have told her, gee thank you dear, when you stroke out or have a heart attack the ONLY thing the family will say is Oh she was fine every time we spoke to her... I cannot fix my own medical problems, cannot deal with her's and the constant ok one day and not the next or half and half. The baby girl has made it clear, if I cannot handle it-or leave because its killing me, she'll throw her in a home. Side note she tells me to just do it anyway, i told ya daddy you needed a poa on her etc etc. Today's bp for me right now 164/118 bpm 100 , i feel terrible as always. I know it's wrong to think the way i do but, i have to hopes, she realizes the truth and asks for help, or i stroke out and fate decides. Im tired, beat down and alot might know but love changes , not being touched, or even desired , or enjoying anything i do, My clock is ticking and i no longer feel like a caring and loving husband, I long for one of us to die. if there is forgiveness, May it be granted to me for my lack of faith, lack of desire to just wither away while she smokes me into the backyard of the poorhouse. Ty for letting me vent and the answers and thoughts..
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She won't agree to the examination because she doesn't agree she needs it and doesn't want to talk about it, is that right?

In your position, I think I would mention it to her doctor, say you're worried, and ask him to do some preliminary checks as part of her next routine medical exam. Then, if the doctor agrees that there may be a problem, you and/or her doctor can take it from there. Unless the "behaviour" you refer to is a serious issue, this can wait until it comes up as part of her ordinary health care schedule.

Don't get into a fight with your wife about it. Upsetting and counterproductive. And the idea of having her competence thoroughly examined without her knowledge is a (mildly distasteful, I have to say) pipe dream - you can't, or not unless she's so far gone she doesn't understand what's happening, in which case it's pretty much q.e.d. anyway.
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