How do I get wife examined for competence without her knowing?

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I am not sure and the behavior indicates conditions worse then SHE thinks. need official examine to know .

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I would suggest, as another poster did, to have a doctor that your wife trusts make a referral to a neurologist. This is what happened with my Dad. He was having some problems (over a longer expanse of time than we realized) and his family doctor referred him to a neurologist after doing a few tests. I think that some doctors are already doing these tests as part of their annual or bi-annual meetings with patients who are over a certain age. And if they're not, they should be! Of course, you can't force somebody to see a doctor if they don't want to and if they're still considered to be of sound mind.

But you also have to realize that when you have a relationship with someone, and especially when this relationship involves a spouse, that you are more than someone looking in from the outside on a person with dementia or possible dementia, or any other disease for that matter. When you marry someone you're making a commitment to help that person through certain trials and tribulations. You can't just jump ship when your spouse gets ill, becomes disabled, develops dementia, etc. You might end up moving the spouse at some point to a nursing home, etc., for their own good so that they're taken care of, but that doesn't mean they're out of your life. Having a loved one with dementia can include mighty struggles and heartache and doubts and guilt and pressures. There are times you want it to end RIGHT NOW, and times you know you'll hurt so badly when that time comes that is does end. You also have days when your loved one is almost the person you knew "before", and you just know he or she is getting better (not). It can and will affect your own health, which means you have to take care of yourself also. It's not easy. And it won't get any easier. You just have to make decisions and do what is BEST for BOTH of you.
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What do you mean by "the daughter is not visitable"? Are there problems between her and her mother, or is it step situation? Or is she too far away? If so she may not be the best guardian either. Good luck with this, and I am sure the age difference does not help ( as I can see from some of the comments here) It must be like taking care of a toddler and your mother at the same time , while it is your wife. I'll be thinking of you both .
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Given that your health is already in jeopardy, you could petition the court to have your daughter appointed as guardian. The court will then ask for the MD's opinion, as well as another opinion from a court appointed MD. You and baby girl should talk to an attorney about whether this is the way to go.
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Thank you all for the suggestions and assistance.
to answer one , no there is NO other mate /woman etc. But i have become mean and alittle destroyed in this so far. The daughter is not visitable and i cannot afford medical help or vacation or anything (salt water omg) that would help. Man up? your right .. The process is gonna be hard to assess her situation and then see what can be done. in answer to anothers question. I'm 48 she is 70.
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My dad was always pretty good about going to the Dr. They referred him to a neuro specialist. He thought the tests were fun and that he had done well (NOT) He still talks about the games... maybe we were lucky, but a referral from a dr she trusts may help you here, and get the job done.Tell her it's a new part of her check up for people her age?
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Vladius, you wrote that your daughter recommends putting your wife in a nursing home, or presumably an assisted living, and that you should have gotten a POA. Vladius, she is right, at least about the POA. Talk to her seriously. If your wife would no longer be willing to give you POA,maybe your daughter could get it, maybe even with you as an alternate, and she could then resign at some point. Or, maybe you will have to go through an evaluation - billing it as part of a comprehensive medical checkup - and get a guardianship, but in that case, the person does have to be told and have a chance to contest it. You will want legal help if you have to go through that. I was thankful I did not need to do that with my mom - we had POAs that were not perfectly done but were good enough with a little extra documentation that was not hard to get by
the time we needed it. Two doctors who had been seeing my mom were very willing to write short letters to document her diagnosis and incapacity which the bank said was needed in order for me to sell her home - my childhood home - which I found to be the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I never even had to tell her it was sold...that would not have been the right way to handle it in many situations, but I think it may have been the best choice in ours.
I do not think your daughter wants to lose both of her parents and she is probably at her wit's end trying to get you to take care of yourself. She probably does not think she would hold up any better than you in trying to take care of her mom and possibly she is just being realistic. I do not know if it would make anything easier, but please know that her dementia is not your fault, her "lying" isn't really lying but wishful thinking, and her fear of losing control is understandable. The chances of her becoming cognizant of what is wrong with her and becoming willing to accept help on that basis are slim and none. You cannot control that process. You can only decide to do what makes sense instead of being a passive victim, even if it is hard and uncomfortable.

Talk to your daughter. Listen to her advice. It may not be perfect and you may not want to do everything she thinks should be done exactly the way she thinks it should be done, but doing at least some part of it could get you out of the deep hole you are in. Or, if you simply can't do that, get an outside advisor, e.g. and eldercare attorney or other consultant, and go, with or without your daughter. Just doing what you are doing, seeing how bad things are and seeing they will get worse, and yet not really facing the facts about the situation head on is just a disaster in slow motion. I had to "put my big girl panties on" and you have to "man up," I guess that's the best way to put it!
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She might think that and still be dead wrong, of course!
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Ouch!
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Are you on a mission to get your wife declared incompetent so you can get her institutionalized and go off and live your life with a younger mate. Maybe she has an idea what you are up to. Women who fear they are loosing their man are not very capable of thinking straight. Just a thought after reading Jinx post
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Instead of dying, you could just go away for a weekend or a week. See how she does without you. Could you visit baby girl?

In the doctor's office, could he do the evaluation on both of you, so she wouldn't feel singled out?

Please think of another plan besides dying to improve your life. You could get a divorce. Wouldn't that be better than dying? Is money a problem? I had a dear friend who lived contentedly at the YMCA for many years. If you were still alive but free and more relaxed, you would be able to help with her care without being destroyed by it.
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