My father is 91 and lives with my sister. He is very verbally abusive to my sister and I and he refuses to help pay for any of his needs.  How can we get him in an assisted living home and out of her house. Her health is declining because of his needs.

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It is her house? then her rules - if he can't follow her rules then evict before something serious happens -

Has he been checked for a UTI? - have him checked A.S.A.P. - have EMS take him & don't let him back for your sister's house for her sake
Helpful Answer (1)

What you need to do is load him up in the car and take him to the hospital where they can get social services involved but get him admitted first to the ER. Don't just dump him on the doorstep, take him through registration and get him admitted where he can get some help. From there you can get him the right help. Hospitals have reliable resources that can expedite getting someone admitted into a nursing home if necessary. In fact, they can get him admitted faster than you can, but it may require physically getting a hold of him and dragging him out the door if he becomes combative. What you really need to think of right now his her safety, not so much his as hers since he's the aggressor.  Not that you don't watch out for his safety also, but not so much his as hers since she's a woman and a man being stronger can actually do some serious damage if he starts beating on her or even if he swings at her and actually hits her. This is why you really need to protect her a bit more than you need to protect him. If he's being verbally abusive, you don't know that there may also be physical abuse going on or whether he may also be destroying property if he's not already doing either of those two things. Verbal abuse is just a sign, but can easily escalate into more serious abuse  for some people but not necessarily all. My foster dad turned out to be just verbally abusive but would never raise a hand to no one. However, when he was forced into a nursing home, that all changed when they started jerking him around and he had to start physically fighting back as I noticed when I went in to see if he was still even alive. Thankfully for me, the dementia ward was temporarily shut down because it was being  serviced. I don't recall exactly what was being done, most likely there were improvements being done. That particular day I saw two people jerking him around like someone did another lady previously when I was visiting my dad and witnessed the abuse. This is a risky behavior because you can actually break someone's bones jerking them around like these staff were doing, and you can even dislocate joints. Yes, be very careful with some nursing homes, watch the staff and how they treat their patients when you visit someone who was at a nursing home. Watch quietly from a safe distance and listen. If you see or hear something, go to the head department of nursing and reported anonymously
Helpful Answer (2)

Call a geriatric care manager. They will help you find the right place for you dad. Is you dad mean to everyone?  He may have to go to a place that accepts difficult behaviors. Does you dad have the funds for assisted living?

My mom could be very combative at times. She has Alzheimer's and believes nothing is wrong with her. I hired a geriatric care manager to move mom for me It was worth every penny. They will provide the guidance and resources that you need.
Helpful Answer (4)

baddad, has your Dad been tested for a Urinary Tract Infection? Such an infection can make an elderly person mean and abusive. The test is very simple at a doctor's office and the treatment is antibiotics. I can understand how your sister must feel, like she has crashed and burned from exhaustion.

Regarding Assisted Living, usually they are self-pay unless one's State has a Medicaid waiver program. Assisted Livings on average cost around $5k per month. Now Medicaid will pay for a skilled nursing home but only if Dad is deemed ready for 24 hour care and is unable to do things for himself. If Dad is self-pay, cost average $10k per month depending on your area. Talk about sticker shock !!

As for Dad helping pay for his needs, your Dad grew up as a teenager in the Great Depression, thus he will hold onto every penny no matter what. My parents were that way to a point, but if I paid for something that they needed, they did pay me back. They just didn't want to open their wallet for caregivers or cleaning crews... [sigh].
Helpful Answer (2)

Bless you and you have come to the right place. Time to call in the troops and get your father into assisted living. If no money/assets, Medicaid is available.

Click on the button that says "Find Care" at the top of this page and put your location - state or county/state - and that will send you to the following:

About Area Agencies on Aging

Area Agencies on Aging (AAAs) are local aging programs that provide information and services on a range of assistance for older adults and those who care for them. By contacting your local agency you get access to critical information including:

Available services in your area:
Mobility assistance programs, meal plans & housing
Assistance in gaining access to services
Individual counseling, support groups and caregiver training
Respite care
Supplemental services, on a limited basis

Good luck to you. Do it sooner than later and take care of YOUR health, finances, career and relationships. ((Hugs))
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