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A 43 year old grandson has been living with my 97 year old mother in law for many years. Recently he became engaged to a lady we had never met. We came from another state to discover this 'lady' has moved in with the grandson and grandma. We were shocked to see she has taken over the house, moving Grandma's clothes to a smaller corner of the closet so she could fill up the entire other side with her clothes etc. Her mail and magazines are coming there, including collection letters. AND worse still, we learned this lady was arrested last week for using a credit card from another elderly lady without her permission and spent $30,000! (She supposedly was helping her) This lady, who is no lady, should not be in this house. She is currently out on bail and has a hearing in a couple weeks. My husband asked her to leave and the grandson is refusing to have her go, they ran to Grandma, and Grandma said they both could stay! Grandma is being duped! We are beside ourselves! How do we get this woman out when Grandma says it is OK? This is a HUGE problem. We live out of state too, Any ideas or where we can turn for help?

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This is a dreadful and dangerous situation and Grandma clearly is not competent to make these decisions. Scammers are very good at cultivating the trust of their victims, and it appears that is exactly what has happened here. In addition to contacting "Adult Protective Services" in your area (use that as a search term to access the appropriate information), this is also a police matter because of the "lady's" pending criminal case. Go to the police to discuss this in person, get their advice, and perhaps file a formal complaint. In addition, and this is very important, you can find out where the "lady's" current criminal charge is pending; you can ask the police to look it up for you, or you can go to the criminal clerk of court's office in your county and look the case up--this is all public record). Then contact the County Attorney or District Attorney or whatever that office is called in your area (the police will know who and were this is), and tell them also about your concerns about this "lady," or in their terms, "the Defendant." They may not only be able to help, but this information is probably pertinent to the case they have pending against the Lady/Defendant, and I guarantee they will want to hear what you have to say and talk to you about this. And, finally, ignore cranky nay-sayers like "MichelleHeart" above who is not involved in this situation, knows absolutely nothing about it, and has no business trying to butt in to guilt-trip you. Grandma's welfare is at at stake here; you cannot ignore this situation. Love and prayers.
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That is why the elderly are so vulnerable to scams. They are often lonely and often have impaired judgement. To oust the lady is to oust the grandson, the problem is not grandma, the problem is grandson. He may be using grandma. Very sad. Unless you can provide a AL lifestyle that grandma will agree to, or other accompanied living arrangements, she is pleased to share with grandson and his lady friend.....beats being alone. I hope they are taking care of her at least.

Concentrate on protecting mom's accounts, if giving up closet space does not bother her, do not let it bother you. If having this woman run her house is acceptable to her, do not let it bother you. Monitor the situation. Unless gran is incompetent, if she chooses to have roommates she may do so.

I am not saying you do not have just cause for worries, but I believe the problem is the grandson, for bringing this woman into his grandmmother's house.
Did 43 move in to take care of granny or because he wanted a free place to live?
Is this lady the sort of person he typically hangs with? IF he is a freeloader, is it a surprise he hooked up with this sort of person? Is he just being vulnerable and can he be open to an intervention? Monitor the situation for fraud and report if you find evidence. Let them know you will be looking.

Since you do not describe grandson as your son, assume he is a nephew. Where are his parents?
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At 97 her judgement could be impaired. Bless her heart! I would encourage you to get a local DHS person, report this as expected abuse they will go and check on her and be very concerned trust me! take care
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Thank you for your comment about the person above who made the nasty comment. I know for myself, I have NOT neglected my mom....I have been very involved, but live an hour away. I thought the lady in her building was obnoxious but helping...and only recently found out what she is up to. Since that discovery, I have become more involved for sure...but that does not mean that I was neglectful before. I can only assume the same is true for the person who originally started this topic. We all do the best we can given the circumstances we are in. That nasty comment was so inappropriate and made no sense...nothing about what the person said suggested that she may have been neglectful and no reasonable person could argue that the grandson and lady friend are taking advantage of the elderly woman. It is a difficult and gut wrenching situation but then to be insulted by a stranger on top of everything else is ridiculous.
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I agree that you need to contact a DHS or Agency for Aging case worker to investigate. They may find that she needs some assistance as far as caregivers, therapy, etc. This will give another set of eyes to see what is really going on in that house. Also, find an elder care lawyer to be sure her deed to her house and will are in proper order. Be sure that any credit card companies are made aware of the situation and that the bank accounts are protected from this "lady" and the grandson. Who has financial and health POA for your mother? See if you can get it.
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I signed my part of house deed to my son so he would have no problems when i'm gone...I have life time dower rights to live here...well because I was responsible for this good deed the house was his asset . The upshot is he and his wife filed for chapter 7 ...I must pay his $25.000 bankruptcy ...also can put me through this again....so forget the 1 good deed deserves another saying....now I know why people run screaming down streets for no apparent reasons.....
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You guys have a lot of nerve talking about and elderly person that you have probably ignored and neglected yourself, who really needs care as being taken advantage of! It take a lot of time and love to take care of such a person. If they can pay for it they had better! The lady in question may or may not have committed a crime....she is not yet convicted and there are many mistaken accusations given to caregivers. Either commit your mother to a convalescent home now (she is 97) and use your legal leverage, or just watch credit cards. If she has been arrested she cannot use them. The grandson can however, and has a legal right as caregiver to do so. If this lady is convicted, she will be gone shortly. At 97 someone who needs care has a totally different view of things than you do.
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Based on the information that you have stated, please,please contact the Adult Protective Division is the area you live in. Does grandson have access to MIL accts? Who takes care of MIL bill paying? To get someone out of the house you usually need to give them a 30 day notice however, if she is out on bail you might want to contact law enforcement with the fact that she has moved into another home with an elderly person and you fear the same will happen. If your husband has the POA for grandmother he can with the help of law enforcement remove her from the home. If not usually a good threat to MIL should get her to agree to move this lady out. If MIL thinks that you will have her conserved because she is not making good judgements should wake her up. Take MIL home with you for a while so that you can protect her and get that woman out.
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Hi Ctmom,

We had a niece that my mother raised that was an unsavory character. After she became an adult she left her first child to be raised by my mother. The girl was my niece’s leverage in manipulating my mother for mother and babysitting her other children. The niece ended up spending all of my mother’s money. Stole some of my dad’s funeral money and half of my mom’s jewelry.
I lived 11 hours away from them but went once a month to make sure all was being taken care of.
I gradually took over their finances. My mom with dementia wasn’t paying bills and they had liens on the house. At the same time I put the squeeze on the niece.
The problem was that my mom kept giving her blank checks and her ATM debit card. The girl spent money like it was hers. I filed with APS, CPS and filed forgery charges against her. The problem was that my mother always defended her and none of the authorities would do anything unless my mother pressed charges.
It’s a horrible situation to be in. Watching someone else take advantage of your mother.
If you have DPOA it helps.
You need to start documenting everything. Report everything. Make sure there is a paper trail for all activities. Get on your mom’s checking account and don’t allow her to have a debit card or checks. Who is paying the bills for her? If it is the grandson it is going to be difficult to change or take control of the situation.
I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you. The elderly are so very vulnerable to people. We don’t get to choose our family. Develop a friendship with her neighbors to call you whenever they see something happening that shouldn’t. Or hire someone to look in on her periodically.
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It is correct to question, and trust your instincts in this matter. We are constantly trained in our field whether it be in a Nursing Home, or caring for Seniors at their home. One of the videos that they show us gets across the message, that we are all the eyes and ears to help protect the elderly. If a neighbor, family, elderly person's friend, mailman, CNA notices bruises, money disappearing from accounts, personal belongings disappearing, lack of food in the refrigerator, dehydration, or anything that can compromise, even a "hunch" or "gut feeling" that something is wrong, it is extremely important to report it.

I don't know what state, or county in your state that you are located in, but one such agency is HHSA (Health and Human Services). Look up the one where she lives under State, & the correct county. There will be an 800 number. You can report anything, even your hunch, and it will remain completely confidential. Do you know any of her neighbors? Can you also give that neighbor the number too? Also tell them, that it will remain strictly confidential, and their name and what they report will NOT be disclosed.

Next, a social worker will be assigned to the case, to go to the home to investigate. If she/he notices any signs of the above mentioned forms of abuse, that person will notify the correct authorities. The correct authorities will contains: police, probation, lawyer for the elderly, and so forth. If you call the probation department directly the individual in question will be aware, and you don't want to alienate your grandson, and that may not be confidential.

This is a complicated situation, since it is not only the person in question, but involves 2 people, one of which is your grandson.

If HHSA decides she is committing an act of abuse (financial, physical, emotional, ADL's - food, water, bathing), she will be removed from the premises by law enforcement and arrested.

The next step will be the hardest. If your grandson will still be living there, a lawyer will be needed. He may let her back into the house, since they are married. A lawyer will have to take steps further, since it is not one person, but two. He will have to find another place to live, since he is allowing a person into the house that is not in the best interest of your Grandma. If he will willingly move out, than that is fine, if not, that is where it becomes complicated.

Next a CHHA agency will need to have people to go help your Grandma with food, bathing, cleaning, doctor's appointments, etc.

If both individuals are out, and no longer living there, the locks must be changed immediately.

Please follow through on this, if your "gut feeling" is correct, than you were justifiably "the eyes and ears" for your Grandma. If it turns out that she is perfectly fine, than no harm was done.
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