How do you get an uncooperative parent to assisted living?

When my mother's dementia got worse, she demanded to be moved x country to be close to us. We got her into a nice retirement community nearby that could progress to assisted living when the time came. After all that, after 4 days, she took a taxi to the airport, her equally demented sister bought her a ticket 'home' and once she made it home, she secretly changed her POA and will, cutting me out of the whole thing. Not long after, the state was coming after her because several of the neighbors complained. When she fell at home fracturing her hip, then got CDiff intestinal bug in rehab, she insisted I come rescue her, which I did. It can be miserable. Several women I know have totally disowned their mothers for their impossible behaviors and let the state take them. So, this is not an easy path you are on. Do not expect rewards or good results. (sorry!).

I'm an only child, so my husband & I "just did it". Mom didn't have the mental faculties to fight it. She talked a big game, but she really couldn't take action. There was a lot of change-related swearing, swinging, fighting, and spitting, but we got her moved. I took 2 weeks off work, and was able to work a lot of flexible time until we got her 100% moved into her first location.

If I had not been mentally prepared by this site, I might have backed off and let her have her way, which would have been negligent and foolish, but the easy way out. So many don't do the right thing because mom/dad start to protest, and you have to look past all the drama & theatrics. Her docs back home wouldn't communicate with me, so I had to go on what I could observe for myself.

I had a place picked out already. Mom got a tour, was told she was moving in, picked the apartment from the two offered, and we wrote the check from her account with her right there. We didn't hide the move. We kept reminding her about it, because she insisted she was staying with me forever. That was never offered, and total fiction.

Move day came, I went over to meet the movers, set everything up, dispose of boxes, and 6 hours later, my husband brought her over. She was spitting mad. Swearing up a streak that would make a sailor blush. She called everybody waiting in the lounge area by the dining room " a bunch of b*tches". So much for making friends.

This is normal, and it happens. Staff are used to it. A lot of elderly simply do not take to change easily. This is not a reason to withhold the change they need to stay clean, safe, & looked after. God bless people who can do it at home. I am not one of them.

Yes, there is weeks & months of preplanning, paperwork,finances, logistics, plus the emotional prep & aftercare required for everyone involved. If it goes easily, count your blessings. But, if it goes rough, that is not a reason to bail and undo all your hard work.

I have a friend in senior social work, and she said to give it not less than 3 months. Maybe 6 or 9 if the person didn't deal well with change before they got to this point. You won't be able to tell in a week or a month.

No, it's not the same as home. Yes, there is a schedule which my mom HATED. Hated isn't strong enough. She made it a lot harder on herself than it had to be, but I'm not responsible for her happiness. I didn't move her to be happy. I moved her to be safe and in a place where she would be taken care of regardless of what happens.

My inlaws aren't demenred but have serious frailties that make it impossible for them to live alone. They both fought us "kids" when we had the talk about moving them into an independent living residential building. They tried it for a month for respite care and when they got back, pretended like it never happened. I suppose they believed trying it would shut us up. My MIL has MSA and my FIL was trying to care for her. They both needed help in different ways and every single weekend when we visited we asked them about moving. The excuses they gave ranged from the laughable to the appalling but when their eldest son had a frank conversation with them explaining how their pretending like nothing needed to change was affecting all of us "kids" they changed their tune. I also had a frank conversation with my MIL wherein I told her tat their resistance to change was affecting my marriage and that it couldn't continue - that I wouldn't let it continue. She had never been spoken to like this before but it needed to be said. They both are much happier and less stressed where they are now. We "kids" are resuming our happy marriages knowing that they have everything they needs at their fingertips. Even when parents aren't demenred they make bad decisions. And it only gets worse the longer you wait. Once you start talking about change you can't stop. It becomes a project with a move date. Life can't go on as normal just to spare someone's feelings. At one point in our project my inlaws said to us "you live your life and we'll live ours" and when we said okay and they realized we'd called their bluff they came to their senses. Seeing their family was more important than staying put and being stubborn. As I see it, they lived their lives and now it's time for us to live ours. I wasn't going to be held captive in a situation I could no longer handle because I can't be a home health aid, cook, errand girl, chauffeur, housekeeper, etc, all at the same time. I could have tried but it would have cost me my sanity. Setting healthy boundaries is more important as parents age. Good luck.

My Mother-in-law needed to go to an AL because she had dementia but we weren't sure, either, of how we would get her there. She was 87 and having a lot of pain in her hip. The surgeon who replaced her knee just a few years earlier talked my husband into having her hip replaced. We didn't want to do the surgery knowing the anesthesia would worsen the dementia. The doctor assured us it would be best for her to not have to spend the rest of her life in a wheel chair because of excrutiating pain and he opted to give her a local (or regional) anesthesia. However, she was so disoriented even before the surgery that she became aggressive with the nurses. Right after the surgery the same thing. We had her moved from the hospital to a rehab near our house. The rehab is also a nursing home with a longterm care unit. There is also an AL on the grounds. The social worker said she can not go back to living alone anymore and she was transferred over to the long term care unit where she still is right now. It has been three months and she has never asked about her house. She calls where she is 'home'. She is in good hands now. She was very lonely at her house (even though we saw her almost every day, talked on the phone about 4 to 6 times a day and ate with her almost every night). I thank God often for answering my prayers. I really believe in prayer and that God can help find an answer when there seems to be no way out!! God bless you and may He find an answer for your situation as well!

It depends - has your mother's POA been activated (meaning two physician's have signed it declaring her incompetent)? If so, you have the legal authority to be able to move your mom and keep her safe in assisted living. The best thing for this situation can sometimes be to accept the apartment, make plans to move in, and include your mom on the planning as much as possible. Remind her that you are there because she named you and trusted you to make her health decisions for her in the event she no longer could. On moving day, have a moving company help move some of the larger items, and have the rest of the items packed for moving. It can be great to have a place already set up for mom where she can walk in and already have most of her items there in the assisted living - to make it feel more like home.

If your mom's POA is not activated, she is still able to make her own decisions. If she is not safe in her home, it may be time to start talking with her physician about activating her POA so that she is protected and in a safe environment. Also having her physician speak with her about her dementia and the deficits she does have will sometimes help. This process can sometimes talk awhile. you may want to consider getting some non-medical in home care in the mean time to check in on your mom and help her with reminders and other tasks as needed.

You might tell her that you need to be away for a short time and you want to make sure she is taken care of if she needs anything, that by going here for a 'short visit' would help you out....
You might involve the Doctor and let him/her tell her she needs more help than you can provide at home.
You might tell her that the house needs some work that she cannot stay in the home while it is being done...i.e. tented for bugs of some sort...

GCMNurse hit it right on the nail. Similar situation here. IF your Mom's doctor will listen to your side of the situation you might have the help you need. (Our geriatrician said she was there for my Mother's needs, not mine or my sibs concern for her safety or nutrition.) Set up a short stay for respite for you as others suggested. At least that is a foot in the door and chance to tell your Mother you can't do it alone. Decorate the apartment as she might like and work with the Admissions Coordinator at the ALF to assure optimal success. Then you can share with her about your peace of mind that she was well cared for during your absence.
Let us know how it goes.

Sunflo2 - It helped in my situation that mom was in a new state with me and literally couldn't have left. Oh she wanted to. She threatened to often. I heard all about how she was going out the front door and never coming back. I heard all about the "friends" who were going to get her a plane ticket home. (I wanted to ask where these friends were when we were moving. I could have used their help!) I didn't worry because she wasn't even going the few steps to the dining room to eat hot mashed potatoes, much less downstairs and out of the lobby to call a cab. My response was just to tell her to call me when she gets back home so I don't have to worry, and good luck with the trip. She really didn't know how to take that since I wasn't arguing with her! It was just a lot of noise from a lady who had little to no ability to deal with change.

It gets tricky to outsmart this strong resistance. We were reared not to do that, especially with our parental authorities. However, keep your eyes on the prize - their safety and health. This has to supercede everything else whether they move out of their home or stay put. My mother will never "forgive" me for moving her into a facility. Nevermind being there has saved her life several times. So be it. I will just be unforgiven and see her at visits vs. being forgiven while visiting her grave.

POA and Healthcare Directives were required to move in, and I must have caught a lucky break the day mom was willing to sign the POA document. I expected complete resistance, but on that day, she was willing to sign all that. She likes my husband more than me, so it was probably because he is listed as alternate and promised to "keep me in line". Yes, that burned, but I sat there & took it because it was getting the dad-gum document signed.

My mom has always grossly overestimated her abilities, and was very arrogant and overconfident with other people about what she could do. Yet my eyes, ears, nose, and hands told me otherwise. She was scared to death starting around dusk because of Sundowners. She pestered my aunt & uncle next door at all hours with her hallucinations of mean red eyes glaring at her through the windows (even with closed blinds & curtains!) She confabulated events to me when we talked on the phone. She had daytime hallucinations.

The county she was in was rural and had zero for senior services, so the government & community were not going to step in and just handle it. There was nobody to bring into her home and nowhere in the community to send her. It really came down to me doing what was necessary to intervene whether she pitched a big dramatic hissy fit or stayed quiet.

I don't think mom was forced into anything, but she had no option to continue the status quo either.

It took me three months to persuade my parents (mostly my dad) to move to AL. I had caregivers in my home for 7 months and it was really hit or miss. I looked for 2 months before I found a place that was suitable for them. My dad absolutely refused to even look at the place. One of the caregivers (the best ever) finally talked him into going with her to the facility. Once he saw it was not a nursing home type of place that he had in his mind, he became more agreeable. I kept telling him that I could no longer be on call 24/7 and that if they didn't go to this retirement community, I would. I told him this every day for at least two months. The AL people came and talked with him and my parents' doctor talked to them. At times, it got very ugly - but I was convinced that I could not provide the care that they needed. I am a true believer in persistence. Understand, AL will be helpful but you will still be on call everyday.
I am thankful for the facility, but the follow-up with them and the calls are never-ending. I have now gone from 24/7 to 16/7. It is progress. They have adjusted somewhat - and have some friends and activities, but my dad continues to threaten that he will leave and return to his home (now sold) and 1,000 miles away every two weeks or so. He keeps saying that there are people there that will take him in - I have no idea who these people are, if I knew, I would call them personally.

I have not been successful in getting my mom to move. We've visited multiple facilities, etc...but she is not open and absolutely refuses. Drs so far have not written that she is incompetent so I have to wait for a catastrophic event or her going to the hospital in order to make the jump to care facility.

I can't even get her to go to the senior center and as someone else pointed out, it makes kids miserable with worry and guilt we aren't doing enough.

Legally, you can't force into care facility without invoked POA or their willingness. Most directors will tell you that without the POA, they can't force resident to stay and not leave even if it isn't in their best interest.