How do you get someone with dementia to go to respite care, someone who refuses and is belligerent?

Teachergear1 - Your mom's current level of functioning sounds so much like my mom's. We have similar problems with toileting. She flushed something down a while ago that blocked the pipes completely. Plunging did nothing. A friend/handyman got it cleared, and then disabled the toilets so only someone who knew the secret way could flush them. One, I take off the lid to the tank and pull up the hook on the the chain, then put the hook back where it was. The other, he attached a chain to the plug in the tank. the other end of the chain comes out the back of the tank, under the lid and out to the side, where she would never see it, so I can pull the chain to flush it. It's a good thing, because yesterday she put two partially used rolls of toilet paper (still on the tubes, not unrolled!) right in the toilet. Gross that I had to fish them out, but at least it didn't ruin the plumbing / cost an arm and a leg. I can beat you on the wiping issue - mom uses her index finger to "get the poop out because it won't come out" otherwise. Ugghhh! Then she briefly, if at all, rinses her hands and wipes them on a towel. It took me a long time to figure it out, I thought she was just being sloppy when she wiped, until I caught her in the act. Then she comes out smelling like poop, and I used to have to fight her to get her to wash her hands better, she says "I did wash them" and she actually can't smell it at all - I guess her sense of smell is gone. I often have to use leverage like, "I'll make breakfast after you wash your hands" in a nonjudgmental tone - any sense I'm criticising her and she digs in her heels and I get absolutely no cooperation. When she gets anywhere near the sink I liberally pour our mild dishwashing liquid all over her fingers, or rub the bar of soap all over them, especially hoping to get it under her fingernails, then she is forced to work on them to get it off. Sometimes she knows this is bad and she voluntarily goes to the kitchen sink (for some reason she never washes them enough in the bathroom!) and washes them well on her own. I tried buying her surgical gloves but for some reason she opened the box and scattered them all over the house! I have been trying to get more fiber into her diet, and adding fiber tablets to her meds, that seems to be helping some, she isn't doing it as often, and more cooperative about washing when she does. I also try to remind her, in a humorous or nonjudgmental way just before she goes into the bathroom, "Please don't use your finger in your bottom, you really don't need to do it that way, it just seems that way." and she agrees with me, if we are getting along well at that time. I know this is disgusting, and "too much information"! I hate dealing with the issue at all, but it helps to remind myself that she dealt with plenty of my and my brothers messes when we were babies, and that was before the day of disposable diapers. Her old, fastidious, in-her-right-mind self would be mortified if someone told her what kinds of things she does nowadays!

But I digress- I was going to suggest disabling the toilets like we did, so she can't flush a whole roll down. This may be too much trouble, but maybe you could also make a limited amount of t.p. available by the toilet at any one time, and hide the actual roll where you can get to it when you need it. Maybe put a reasonable amount of toilet paper for one visit to the bathroom in a small basket or box on the counter by the toilet and tell her this is her toilet paper, just for her, and she can use as much of it as she wants. Then keep an eye on it and replenish it when needed. A lot of trouble, but it might reduce the amount of time you have to stand there and physically monitor and fight with her over her toileting. You might have to only be directly involved in the last step with the wipes. If this works, it might relieve some of the burden and restore some peace to your relationship. I hope this helps!

That story was when mom lived with me. She is at the NH now and I visit often at different times of day and night. The other day I visited and as soon as I got there, she grabbed by hand and said, "come on, I've GOT to go pee", so I take her to her room's bathroom and of course she's already forgotten that she had to pee and just stands there looking at me like....what are doing in here? I tell her...you have to pee. She pulls down her pants and pamper and it is SOAKING wet with little poop balls in it. I take them off of her and say, "you're constipated again, huh?..she says yes. I turn my head to get some toilet paper and turn back around and she has already DUG another poop ball out of her but with her finger and is "RINSING" it off in the sink. I tell her...OH,,no...we don't dig the poop out with our fingers! She said, it's only ONE finger" LOLOL. She never remembers to wash her hands and I have to remind her and SHOW (model for her) how to scrub the fingernails with the soap to get that old poop out. She's always got dirty fingernails even though I cut them short and she gets SO MAD..they grow fast and are hard as rocks. Not me..mine are like paper.

Yes, my mom was always so "prissy" and clean..everything was SO clean. If she only knew what she was doing, she would freak out. She is just like a 2-3 year old, maybe worse. She can't be left alone for a minute. She will go into other residents' rooms and steal their things, thinking they are hers. She had a nice watch on the other day and I said, "where did you get that watch?....she tells me, "It's mine, I bought it at a store". She doesn't go OUT to the store unless it's with me. Purses, lipstick (she was always a BIG user of lipstick), chapstick, etc..I don't know how many I bought her and she lost all of them...lol So, I just stopped buying them and carry a lipstick her color in my purse for her. oops...think I got OFF topic. SORRY!!!

There are elder care/gerontology practitioners, usually nurse practitioners or social workers who specialize in dementia, who will consult and even do interventions to help a family move a demented, cantankerous loved one to a facility. I'm sure they would do it for respite trips to a facility, also. I cannot remember the exact name or association that these people belong to, but maybe someone else here knows what I'm talking about. I looked into it last year, but never had to actually use one. I live in Va., and there were 6 or 8 of them right in my city. My best to all of you. What a journey we are in the midst of!!