Follow
Share

Can someone with experience help me with caring for old person. there are many problems and it seems like there is nowhere to get help.
First the man believes he is superman. i think his dementia is getting worse but my sister is so burnt out that she is slacking majorly and im picking it up. but i dont have the power to make him see a doctor or lecture him when he is being super poor to his health. the biggest problem i see is the man believes he is fully capable of living an independent life and although thats obviously not the case.

so how do we get him to understand that hes an old man not a 16 year old kid.

also hes an alcoholic who likes recreational drugs. he belives he wil be a perfect driver becuz he has never gotten a ticket(there are a 101 reasons to why he shouldnt drive now)t. i keep telling my sister to take him to an OT driving instructor so he can get that dumb idea out of his head but she keeps putting it off to spare his feelings. also i belive his dementia is getting worse because he can no longer manage his prescriptions or feeding himself or cleaning up after himself. he has absolutely no sense of time. and his belief that hes not that old or damaged is getting worse(he thinks he can start doing engineering work again and party like a 21 year old i mean get drunk every night ill 5 am and we have been dealing with it, sometimes he gets lost wandering around the bad part of town instead of just taking a taxi home he will think he can save money and walk(its $5 for taxi ride from bar to home and).

What can do we to convince this guy that having a live in caregiver is a necessity if he doesnt want to live in a home. how do we convince him that without someone looking after him he would die within 6 months which is probably alot alot longer than he would live if left alone.

also how do i tell my sister that hes a drug addict and so ALL he wants to do in life is get high and have fun without regards to anything else. even when he says ''ill do my best'' or ''ill really try'' or even he asys ''yes i wil definitely do that'' but these are all just words he uses to get us to stop lecturing him at the moment and when the time comes he does whatever he wants to do but my sister believes he will try and bullsh*t.

i realize a huge part of the problem is woman's logic goes as far as their emotions. so since she is soooo emotionaly attached to this case i feel she fails to make the most logical decisions. like getting him to an OT instructor asap before he takes himself for a test drive. which we have caught him just about to do before.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Is this the father? I wondered if was a BIL? It didn;t sound to me like you are buying his booze.. if he is going out to bars he is buying his own, so it will be harder to stop that.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your question is how you get your sister to act. What exactly are you expecting her to do? If your father is out on the razzle every night, buying his own booze and goodness-knows-what, then he is clearly physically able: she can't lock him in his room. From your description, it doesn't sound, either, as though she has any kind of POA. Does she even live in the same house as he does?

How old is your father? You don't say, but if he's still into recreational drugs then I'm guessing 60s or 70s rather than 80s or 90s? And the dementia diagnosis: is that a formal one, or your own? Whose opinion is it that he would die within 6 months if he doesn't have either residential or live-in home care?

What I'm getting at is that you seem to think that if your sister would only agree with you, instead of trying to work help into your father's preferred lifestyle, then she could wave a wand and voilà! - your father will magically turn into a sweet, compliant old gentleman in carpet slippers with a rug over his knees. So what can your sister do that you can't do?

If you think your father is driving drunk, report him.
If you think he shouldn't be driving at all, report that.
If you think his living conditions are detrimental to his health, report that to APS or your local social care organisations.
But: when you say it 'seems there is nowhere to get help' does that mean you have tried a number of options? Which, and what was their response?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If you recognize that your sister is so burned out, it's not really very considerate to comment on the limitation of her logic. That's a fallacy anyway. Women can be just as capable of logical thinking as men. Think of women scientists, mathematicians, physicists and astronauts, to name a few.

But I think it's also important to recognize that she's probably emotionally drained and exhausted, so you can help her by stepping in with a practical plan of action and recognize that she needs help but not because she's a woman.

It also sounds as if your father (?) is delusional because of the substance abuse - that's the first thing that has to be addressed. Perhaps he needs to be in a detox facility to solve that problem before you can move forward. In fact, I think that's a good first move.

And PLEASE take away his keys or car so that he can't drive. How else would he be getting his alcohol and drugs?

You know, you might be considered as acquiescing to or enabling his addiction, improper and illegal beahvior if you don't remove the alchol, drugs and means of his obtaining more of that stuff. It's not clear how he's obtaining this, so I'm not trying to chastise you, but rather warn you and your sister to be very careful on this issue.

Good luck; sounds like a tough situation.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I just want to second the suggestion that you try alanon and your sister too if she is amenable to the idea. Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

How old is this man? First thing is to stop buying his liquor and drugs. As I say many times, it is hard to be the adult in these situations and make the decisions necessary for the elder's wellbeing.

Allowing someone to drive, who is drinking and using drugs is putting him and anyone he comes in contact with at risk of losing their life or even worse left with total disabilities. That's more than I would be willing to live with. Takes a lot of money to pay for that lack of responsibility.

You can report him to the Department of Motor Vehicles or whoever issues the DL in your state. You just tell sister the truth! It is the only way to deal with anything. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Well Addicts are not the only liars! my mum is behaving the same way and lies about her diabetes and what shes eaten. Like an addict she too is killing herself slowly? if she went for a walk and ate porperly her moods would be acceptable. Im sure if he stopped drinking he would be easier to look after and less moody? Im so sorry for you addiction and dementia you can only do your best he needs professional help but he should not be driving. Thankgod my mum never learnt to drive!
Hugs this must be awful i couldnt imagine drink on top of all this other stress! my mum never drank.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It's hard to separate alcoholism and alcohol induced dementia (wet brain) from Alzheimer's or real dementia.

The problem is that you cannot help an addict that doesn't want help. As long as he has not been deemed incompetent you can't force him to do anything. But, you can have him Baker Acted which will put him in an institutional setting for 72 hours for the beginning of a medically supported detox and evaluation. After the 72 hours is up, he could very well be let out.

Your best bet is to visit an Al-anon meeting yourself, and realize that by cleaning up his mess you are enabling him to continue drinking and using drugs. Don't lecture, don't bet, just step back. Addicts are liars and will tell you anything you want to hear, including but not limited to...I will stop. Until he takes the reins and puts himself into treatment you cannot help him. You will only damage yourself in the process.

If his decline is age related, the stay in a hospital for the baker act will begin to unravel that mess and get him proper support and treatment, including a social worker that will be able to get him longer term treatment if he agrees, support with daily living etc. But trust me, you cannot do this yourselves. Of course he thinks hes 16, hes an addict which causes the brain to stop developing. I'd guess he started drinking heavily around 16...therefor no more growth. Also dementia can cause a person to regress and believe they are younger than they are (which is a common theme on this board).

Bottom line...he needs help and you cannot provide it. Have him baker acted. Call your local council on aging for more help.

Angel
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

also if there is a better topic to post this under please let me know and ill move it
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.