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My dad has dementia but has been functional for the past 3 years. He has lived alone and done relatively well. In the last 2 months he has declined rapidly. Bills aren't getting paid and he is often overwhelmed and confused. He puts on a brave face to try to prevent anyone from seeing his struggles. He lives about 240 miles from me and I have been trying to get him to move to a senior facility closer to me, but he doesn't want to live in a "big city". His neurologist and I know he just doesn't want to give up his independence. I know it is best for him to move, but is very resistant - even to the point of telling me he will "off" himself if he gets bad enough to go into a "home". Things in the last 3 weeks have declined rapidly and i know it is time. How do i talk to him to get him to agree to move?

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You may consider a home care/day care option as well. Here in Colorado we have a pace program that is all inclusive. The day care program provides everything that he will need even coming to the house and getting him dressed before he leaves. They provide the transportation, doctors, pharmacy, even haircuts and they will go to the house to install bars in the bathroom and provide you with walkers, diapers etc. They are a great program if you have one near you. It is paid through either medicare or medicaid. Just be aware that they make them sign a statement that when care is completely done the house may be taken in order to cover the expenses. If he does not own his own house this is not a problem.
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Tell them they are going just for a visit to check it out. Make his room as much like his at home. Be sure he's sleeping on the same side of the bed. Leave a voice recording there so they can play it when he's upset. Have things he loves in his room. Don't talk about the future. They don't understand time. Let them say "I'm just visiting". most dementia people say that all the time! Don't correct them. If they get outside, someone he trusts should talk to them and say the bus already left or your daughter said she would be back in an hour. Get into their world, get their trust, don't argue or try to reteach reality. good luck. Don't feel the guilt. It's not your fault. It's their illness talking. You have to keep them safe and you have to do what's best for both of you. It's just a lot easier doing it in their world. Blessings!
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It's so hard to accept all that responsibility. God bless you. So hard to see a loved one get worse. I highly suggest trying to let her live in her past and trying to step into her world as she sees it. Valudate what she thinks is not lying. 5 minutes later she won't remember. She can't learn new things. Getting violent might mean there is a physical problem or that you are trying to get her to do things she doesn't like to do or believe in. If she always took a bath in the morning she won't like taking a shower at night. If she always slept on the right side of a bed, she won't sleep on the left now! I went to a workshop "My Past is Now My Future" by Lannie Butler. He wrote a book and it is excellent! $20 and that includes (S/H). very easy to read! He has been working with the elderly 34 years! I thought I knew a lot but I learned a lot more that day! Get involved with a support group too. Take care of yourself first. I could talk all day. Many blessings to you for all you do!
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Have you chosen the place? Tell him about it. Bring him pictures. You don't say where you live, but you can probably find a place in a suburban location. Show him all the nice trees and flowers.

Can someone from the facility describe it to him? If it's an actual "nursing home", and he is still kind of OK, that would be hard - to go to a shared room and a hospital bed. Can he go to assisted living? That would be a much easier sell - his own room, his own furniture, etc.

Tell him how often he would see you. Can you take him on excursions he would enjoy? Are there adorable grandchildren for him to get to know?

Tell him that if he can't stand it after 6 months, you will take him to an assisted suicide state. You can lie about that part. I can understand his point of view. Let him know that you understand, too, and that you will do your best to see that he has a nice, safe, enjoyable place to live, because you want him to be safe and happy.

I don't envy you. My father had terminal cancer, and when he stopped sleeping for more than two hours at a time, he moved into a hospice home. He told me he was being taken off to jail. Talk about guilt. But they had fresh-cooked spaghetti sauce there, and they probably did a better job keeping him comfortable than I could.
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You have a very serious situation. If your dad is threatening to harm himself, you must take serious actions. I had to do the same thing with my mom two years ago. I am 36 now and she is 80. Unknown to me, she had been diagnosed with dementia since 2008 and was in denial about her medical conditions. She began hoarding animals in my grandmother's house until it became nasty and unlivable. She wasn't paying bills, buying food or medications, wasn't bathing properly, wearing nasty and dirty clothing, and wasn't eating properly. I lived in NY and my mom in NC. I knew her situation had been getting bad, but didn't know it was that bad. I asked my brother (I am adopted, he is her biological child) what we were gonna do together to help my mom out and he refused to be involved in the matter at all (mind you he stayed ACROSS THE ROAD from my mom). So with that response, the next day I called the Adult Protective Services unit of my mom's residential county and started the process to have a petition for guardianship filed. This involved a court date to determine that my mom is now legally incompetent, which showed she was unable to make proper decisions about her well-being, and I was awarded temporary guardianship of her. After that, she had a fall in the house and spent a week in the hospital to recuperate, and then a month in a nursing home until I was able to find an apartment for her and I to live in. By this time, I had taken two weeks to resign from my job and pack up my entire life to move to NC to take care of my mom, knowing no one else would be able to. A month later I was awarded permanent "guardianship of the person"...which means I am in charge of where she will live, what care she receives, and any medical decisions must come thru me. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, but I am glad I did it because my mom's dementia is getting worse by the day and I am presently about to start trying to get her into a nursing home again because she is getting violent and its hard to take care of her. Please go about talking to an Adult Protective Services worker in your dad's county to start the process so you can have social services involved helping you to get your dad help. Its hard, but it must be done. God bless you in all you do.
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