Follow
Share
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Your mother and mine must have been related! A lot of what you describe sounds exactly like what I was dealing with when Mom was still at her house after my dad (her caregiver passed away). She refused to come live near, or with us, in NC. All I could do was ensure that there were a few friends in town who would help her survive. Unfortunately, she fell, was sent to a hospital, then to a nursing home for "rehab" which never happened because she was so mentally diminished that she was often confused and disoriented, certainly in no shape to go home. When I would make the trek from NC every couple of months, she was sure I was coming to take her home. ~~~ I am truly sad for the spot you are in. Each person has a unique personality and story. Each person has a unique disposition. ~~~ My mother was so cantankerous and stubborn about ANY KIND of assisted living (even someone at her house) that she finally wound up in the last place she wanted to be -- a nursing home-- and one that was bilking out-of-pocket residents for everything they could get. (At least at her death, I had the satisfaction of shutting down their "operation".) ~~~ You seem to have found your answer. My struggle to heal after my ordeal is continuing three years later.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

juzjane and others - my intro to this site was the same issue. YOUR method might work for some, but our mother was in a class all by herself! She still lived alone, at 93 with dementia already onset. Any mention of AL, paugh, I wouldn't live in one of those places. Any mention of it not being safe (doctor tried that one) - oh boy, watch for the flying bricks! The issue we ran into is that the AL/Mem Care will NOT accept guardianship cases. They tell me SHE has to decide... I was totally perplexed and at wit's end because 1) there was NO WAY that she would decide to go there and 2) we could NOT leave her living alone. She refused to go live with NC brother, other brother no room and I cannot physically care for her. Younger brother used her leg injury to draft a letter supposedly from Elder Services at the hospital (she doesn't know how it happened, but older brother was arriving next day after we heard about it and I had to MAKE him take her to the hospital after seeing a picture he took - cellulitis... which can kill a younger person). The injury and initial recoup delayed us taking her a few days, but they gave her the bogus letter (I was not pleased with this method, but ...) and she would read it over and over (short term mem is shot) and finally said guess I have to go. However, even though she "agreed" she has not been happy about that and keeps saying she needs to "get outta here". She, according to the staff, gets along, they like her and also say she is "redirectable" - aka when in one of the funks (she has sun-down syndrome as well), hey, look at that squirrel out there!!
Anyway, you'll need to do whatever you can to make this happen. At some point we mentioned VA benefits (dad was a Marine), and this devolved into it being a veteran's place and the VA is paying for it (we are still in application mode, and it only helps but every penny!!!). She doesn't need to know that and whatever little white lies you can use to get by... do it. Personally I never like making untruths, but the nurse who did the first assessment, when we tried bringing in aides (lasted a few months), was the one who convinced me to do that. You CANNOT reason with a person with dementia, you will only frustrate yourself and them. Agree or pass it off to something...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I would think that playing games with folks or pulling tricks to get them in to a "home" is not the way to instill confidence in relationships. ~ One of the best pieces of advice I heard was to place the burden on them to make the decision: "I know how you have never wanted to be a burden to me. I know that you would feel very bad if you thought you were hurting me. Well, this situation is really hurting me and the burden of it all is wearing me out." ~~~ Something to consider....
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Be aware that medications do not have to be purchased through the price-gouging companies who supply nursing homes with medications. My mom was being charged almost $3000 per month for simple medications. We decided to have them brought in by a friend nearby for a pittance of that. Investigate options before paying big bucks!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Spot on pamstegma.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mother was not easy. My husband and I were going on vacation for two weeks and I told her that I would NOT be calling her every day as she wanted for me to check up on her. I told her that the caregivers were too expensive to be with her 24/7 so I convinced her to try an AL on a temporary basis. As it turns out, I was in cahoots with the AL that they wouldn't accept anyone on a "temporary" basis. They offered incentives (free month, then 1/2 cost the next month) which got my mother started. She HATED it for a couple of months and kept whining that she enjoyed being with me and my husband. My first step was to get her into a facility, then the next step was staying tough and keeping her there. 7 months later she still hated it and I looked around for another facility, which she was open to. We moved her in February 1 and she LOVES it. It was a long, hard road. But you need to make the decision and stay tough. Be there for her so that she knows you're not going away.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Your mother may be concerned about the cost. Neither Medicare nor any other government program pays for assisted living, which with meds can run $6-7000/month + cost of going to doctor in ambulance and dental visits. And you might take her out to eat, as well. It was so expensive for my father but he was dying a slow death of cancer. It took him over three years to die in that facility. They would put the phone where he could not reach it and he was very alone. I lived 2 hours away in a different city. I offered to move in with him with my 3 dogs but it was not a good plan.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Im having a hard time finding Assisted Living with my mom's income so I had to apply for Assisted Living Waiver Program and they sent me the Participating Facilities, most are full. She told me she didn't want to move into a place that was small like a closet which they are just room for a bed, dresser and TV along with rest room, plus I had to get her off Scan and put her on Scan Plus/Medi-Medi so she could be eligible now she is going to lose her caregiver (2 hours 5 days a week) and I am besides myself I have to find another agency who will do this so in the meantime I will have to do it, which I have in the past anyway. Has anyone else have this problem she lives in Southern California.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The best thing is to go and visit several facilities with her. When you decide on the best one let her know it's only for a short time so she can "feel" it out. Once there, surrounded by others who are in her age bracket, she will make new friends.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Once my mom was told by four different doctors, all of whom she respects, that she couldn't live independently anymore AND we found a faith-based community that she loved she finally stopped fighting me. I have continued doing everything I can to make her apartment adorable in every where I can. I also got to know the other residents and introduced her to them. They're now all friends. She loves the staff and her fellow residents
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

We told mom we were taking her to lunch. When we pulled up to the facility, we told her if we took the tour we got a free lunch. She liked the lunch, she met some friends from high school there and when they offered her one month at half price trial period, she moved in. We went to one on Valentine's Day that gave us free dinner.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.