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We had a agency caregiver that took advantage and continues to do so. She became too personal and cross the lines by taking money several times. The agency let her go and now he is insisting on still wanting to help her and wanting to move out. Change the agency to one she has referred him too.
He setup a Go Fund Me page for her and has given her the money>$600. We only recently were made aware Of gifts, tires etc..
We have tried to explain that this is unethical but says he doesn't care caused she is his friend. He is severely disabled and can not care for himself and should be going to Assisted living. My husband (his Son) and I are now the devils. He has screamed at us, banged his walker on the floor, and told us that she is more important than his family. He says he is moving out this week, He will not listen to reason. We have been caring for him since he had quad. bypass over a year ago. Something has happened to his ability to rationalize and is making harmful decisions.
We do have his Medical POA if he is medically unable.


HELP!


Mary

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She has been fired and reported to the Texas Health. She may even be criminal charged for amounts exceeding 25.00. We were able to see that he has consistently given money.
It will affect him when his heart falls or an injury. The amount he received from SS and Vet. was to get him into a nice facility . They will reduce his Aid and Attendance since he will be moving. I believe he is going to hire her privately. He has no estate, savings or anything else but those checks to check..
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The ideas of redirecting his mail, preventing him from accessing his own bank accounts, tampering with his phone, and otherwise controlling him are illegal when there is not even a POA in place and the dad has not been even evaluated for mental competency. I understand that these are suggested with the purest of motives, but the actions are illegal nevertheless. Tread carefully.

What is the underlying purpose here? Is dad likely to run out of funds for his own care if he lavishes $600 gifts on a friend? He supposedly does not have long to live. Will he be able to support himself (and his friend) for that short time?

I can visualize an old man banging his walker on the floor and declaring that his new friend means more to him than family. Ouch! That has got to be devastating, especially after his son and DIL have cared for him for over a year. Very sad. But it does not justify controlling his life. If Dad truly needs someone to control his life, go about arranging that through established legal procedures. If he needs a guardian, apply for guardianship.

Perhaps feeling like the noble protector is much more satisfying to this man in the autumn of his life than feeling like a helpless dependent.
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Would you be able to file a police report? Does he have access to cash or checking accounts? If he can't get out, can those financial documents/check books etc get filed away somewhere? How would he change the executor of his will if he can't get out and about? Can you block unknown phone numbers from incoming calls? It sounds like some dementia is going on (or the aide has really taken hold of his senses). In this instance the police report or your interference is really apporpriate.
While you can't get POA if he doesn't want that, there are many electronic things you can do to protect him. You can block future credit card issuances electronically for instance. This is a good time to remind everyone that has outside help of any kind coming into the home. All financial stuff has to disappear. Before I had an aide cross the threshhold of my Mom's apt, I had all mail redirected to me, removed all financial documents and records --- tax forms and any important family items. Better safe than sorry.
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Has your father's mental state been assessed? You're going to need more evidence of his incapacity than a blazing family row over his fondness for a woman who's been very sweet to him and whom he wants to help. It's not exactly gaga for him to be extremely pissed off with children who interfere with his new, exciting, chivalrous adventure and (as I expect he sees it) get the damsel fired from her job.

But. I don't know how, but somehow the woman needs to be made to grasp that her actions have been unethical to the point of possibly illegal - she's left herself wide open to charges of financial abuse of a vulnerable elder. What you need is an objective, gentle outsider who can sit her down and explain to her why this has all gone so wrong, and why she has to stop accepting gifts from her former client - or else. Know any friendly policemen or social workers?
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Thanks Jeanne,
He wants to move into a cheap apartment so he can keep his money (and Possibly to try and hire her privately). He will not tell us where this apartment is.
He can't walk but maybe 50 feet due to his severe neuropathy. We have been told he doesn't have much longer due to his heart, he also has COPD and sleeps 16 hours a day. He lost oxygen to his brain while on a bypass machine which has affected his ability to make sound judgments and decisions. We did not want to take away what little independence he had left so we set him up with a mini apartment in our home. 
He is fixated on his caretaker who is not even suppose to be talking to him but we feel she has something to do with his outburst and willingness to listen, He is choosing to keep her as a friend over his family. Who does that? He has it made here and we have a new aide that comes in 3 X weekly under his VA Benefits.
What's worse is that because he gave her money through this Go Fund Me page she was caught by her agency and now under investigation. She had many sad stories about her poor life at home and thought he was helping her. She was told by the agency not to contact him so she uses phones of friends.
We are in disbelief and I get sick to my stomach how all this has happened. She was so nice for the first 5-6 months then things started going weird.
As of tonight he told his oldest son (whom he has seen maybe 3 times in the last 5 years) that he wants to make him his executor instead of my husband who has been caring for him the last 18 years. That's not really not a very big deal he has no estate or large sums of money but it really upset my spouse that he would do that to get back at him for not letting her back into our home.
Mary
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I'm not sure POA is going to do you any good. Unless he is incompetent he can still make his own decisions. Guardianship would give you authority to make financial decisions. That can only happen if he is declared incompetent by a court. Would he be? Competent adults are allowed to make their own decisions -- even poor decisions, even decisions against their own best interests.

It doesn't sound to me as if your FIL would give you or your husband POA. That is the only way you can obtain it.

Where is he moving to?
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