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I live in another state from my mom, whom I believe has some form of dementia. She is not taking care of herself or her home, but she is in total denial and completely resistant to help. She quit the one home health care program I got her into. Ideally, it would be great to have someone coming to the home a few times a week to clean her and her space, help her go the bathroom, take her shopping, etc. But I don't think she'll agree to anything, and I'm not sure how to make sure it gets done without her consent. Any advice is incredibly helpful, thank you.

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momdoesn'tknowme: It's the little things that alert you, e.g. the drapes in this case, that something is amiss.
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My grandmother was the exact same way, too stubborn and still had somewhat of a mind even though she was 100 years old and a little senile. She lived 125 miles away from the nearest relative. My Mom and I took turns going up every other week to get her groceries, clean house, etc. She was not going to move in with us or allow anyone to help her such as a home health agency. It took her having a stroke, laying in the floor for who knows how long until a neighbor drove by on the way to work on Monday and didn't see her front drapes open. Thank God for that lady who got the next door neighbor who had a key to open the door and found her trying to get up from the floor. She was taken to the hospital, released in a few days and was ordered for 24/7 care, in which Mom and I took turns going up every other week to take care of her until the travel got to me and I agreed to take Grandma into my home and care for her until her death almost 2 years later. It's just like the others say, it might take an emergency to happen before they will allow help. From an early age, my Grandma told me she didn't ever want to go to a nursing home or leave her house and made me promise that I would take care of her. She had no idea where she was when I moved her into my home so I don't feel guilty for not going with those wishes. As far as her wishes not going to a nursing home, I didn't make that decision as she had a massive stroke where she could not swallow any longer so my Mom decided to put her in one as Mom decided not to put a tube down her throat to keep her alive. The Dr. said my Grandma would last three or four days, no more than a week, she lived 23 days without water or food. That is how good of health my Grandma had. She never took medication at all. She died a few weeks after her 102nd birthday. Unless a Dr. can rule she isn't capable to make decisions, probably some sort of an emergency will need to happen. An emergency happened to my Mom and Step-Father that caused me to care for them as well, my Mom anyway.
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I pray to God that I am not this way (stubborn) as I age. It presents a real problem for your children. And what about those who never married/nor had children? Jeezy Peezy!
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My late mother was the same way. She was tricking her family into thinking she was just fine living alone. Her days of running a household singlehandedly had long since gone, but she was too stubborn to admit it. Your LO cannot live alone, especially if she has toilet needs. You will have to find some other kind of living arrangement for her.
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My Dad and late Mom were also in denial... they were in their mid to late 90's, and were determine to live on their own in their home. It didn't matter that Dad was falling every other week and he eventually had to stop driving. "Oh, we will manage" was their common comment. Mom had caregivers for only 3 days before she shooed them out of the house. Thus they depended on me to help them remain in the lifestyle they were accustomed to living. That was NOT easy.

My Mom took a very serious fall, had head trauma, thus spent her final months in long-term-care. If only she wasn't so stubborn nor in denial, maybe she could have still been here, living in a nice senior facility along with my Dad.
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My mom was in denial too. She was 94 at the time and unfortunately a fall and broken ribs did her in. I lived four hours away and got the call from a neighbor. That got the ball rolling. After rehab she never went back to her house. I had to actually take her to my city and place her in an assisted living here. It was not easy and she was not happy but I had no choice. I wish you luck. I swear I will not do this to my kids! My husband and I are already looking for a condo where our kids live.
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I second all of the above.

For what it is worth,and it is worth a lot, almost everyone on this site has been in your shoes. There is a transition period in which the elder is losing faculties but the family is still figuring that out. I would strongly urge you to visit and spend a good amount of time. In our case, our sort visits prolonged things because my mom could mask her problems for the duration of a short visit. It was not until we went on holiday and actually lived together that I realized how bad things were with my mom. They were very bad...

But we were still a long way form having her realize that. To a degree, we had to wait for disaster to strike--fortunately it was not a fatal disaster but enough to get everyone's attention.

It is hard, and long, and slow. Call the Area Agency on Aging; they really helped us.
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I would contact the Area Agency on Aging in her area (state, district or county. You can Google it) and report her as a case of self neglect. Since you are so far away, they may step in and hospitalize her for an evaluation. Tell them what you told us. If she has some undiagnosed form of dementia, she needs to be under a Dr's care. You may have to make a visit to her to get this ball rolling but it needs to start rolling yesterday. Mom may be in denial, but she still needs help. You can do this
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If she cannot toilet independently, she should not be living alone. Of course, she will refuse to move, so you do one of two things:
1. Wait until disaster strikes, like falling/fire/illness that require hospitalization and then, with the help of the discharge counselor and social worker, get her to a nursing home.
2. Petition the county court in her county to have a Guardian appointed and a court order issued for placement in a nursing home.
Your choice.
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