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I am back again about momma. She had two fraudulent checks written on her account - so the last three days I have been at the bank trying to get everything straighted out. Basically we had to close her old account - get back her money from the two fraudulent checks - reverse the 36.00 over fee charges - open up another account - fund it and order new checks. No this is not all of her fault but trying to explain to her that she cannot write any checks until I got this straighted out is like pulling your hair out. Also i have tried to explain to her and brother that when you leave her house - to lock your doors. Her house is wide open on a number of occasions. Bro should know this. Duh! t The only thing she knows how to do is write checks. She never knows her balance. Transposes the figures wrong in her checkbook and is asking the housekeeper to go through her bank statements and balance her checkbook for her. When she uses her credit card she cannot figure how to add up the tip. She can sign her name. I have talked to her about this but she trys to change the subject or here lately she will try to make light of the subject and make a joke about it and laugh. I live four hours away - have poa and I am depending on bro who does help a little - if he is not half stoned then good luck! I asked him to take momma to the bank to sign a new signature card - he did that but I asked him to take her to Walmart to make good on one of her checks because she didn't have any money in her account. Well he didn't do it. The bank person there told them something different than the bank person and me were telling them over here - so they believe their bank person. Not either one of them believes anything that I am telling them. If I told momma the moon is blue - she would not believe me but if it came from anybody else - well - you know what! The moon is blue! This is not the first time something like this has happened. I guess when something else happens - which it does all the time - has been for the last five years - if you want it done and done correctly - I am going to have to get in my car and drive eight hours to do it myself. I don't trust anybody over there and I don't have very much help. I want to get off of this roller coaster. Sis does nothing for momma .bro and sis set over there and bad mouth me like a dog and then what momma does is that she believes them and repeats everything to me. Yea I know - she doesn't realize it but it is still hurtful. She doesn't know what she is talking about and gets the time issue messed up. Like she will tell you something about sombody that in her mine happened recenty but actually a year ago. My husband has noticed all of this in momma too and we were going to talk to her when we go home the next time - like it would do any good. We maintain two property's for her - both out of state. Mine you that my husband works a full time job. I manage her finances her investments and taxes. This is weighing on us too much. Been five years. I would like for her to go into either independent living or assisted living. She is not driving now. Totaled two cars. She would be in a safer environment. She has mobility issues. Has fallen a number of times. She would be around other people her age and she could &%$#@ and vent to them instead of me. Sorry if this is too long of a post.

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Here is what would be ideal: Mom moves into a nice AL near you, where you can visit her often. She is on an allowance for personal expenditures. If she doesn't have cash from her allowance, she can't buy something. The AL is within a larger care community and has higher level of care when they are needed.

A person with your mother's level of dementia cannot safely live alone and manage their own financial affairs. Living with a relative who is likely to be stoned most of the time is as bad as if not worse than living alone.

You have NO responsibility to see that your siblings get some kind of an inheritance. None. Not your job. Your mother's funds are for HER CARE. It sounds like you fully know that but might feel a little intimidated by what the druggies in the family want.

With only a POA and not guardianship, it may be very difficult to arrange things ideally. (JessieBelle is very right about that.) But that is what I think you should work toward. Are you in the same state your mother lives in? Have you discussed her situation with her state's Senior Help Line?
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I'm terribly sorry that I misread your post about the POA.
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I looked over what I wrote and realized you already knew all these things. :) Sometimes we just need to talk about what is going on. I'm glad we have a place like this to talk. Caregiving can be like waiting for the next shoe to drop and hoping that it isn't too bad.
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This is a tricky situation. There is only so much you can do legally. You can set things up on automatic pay, but that wouldn't take care of bad checks or card charges. I do think I would encourage her to use a credit card, instead of checks, since you can have a limit put on the card. Bad checks have charges that can mount up, so those are not good. You could also keep up with what she is spending if she is using the charge card.

Beyond that, I do not know what you can do from a distance unless your mother moves into a place with closer supervision. But even the staff of an AL facility can't keep her from writing checks or charging things.

I'm sorry your brother is a stoner. Too bad you can't work some magic with him. That doesn't sound like it is likely to happen. I have a feeling the best you can do now is take things as they come up. You can't make an adult do things they don't want to do unless they are legally incompetent. Many times all we can do is wait for things to happen. I know that feels terrible since you are so far away and not able to see the day-to-day things going on.
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You need to do what is right for you and for your mother. Call a lawyer and get POA papers drawn up. Find two witnesses (not your immature bro and sis) and a notary. It will take a couple of hours to get your mom used to what the lawyer will be telling her.

But it's time to get this inevitable process underway because it's only getting worse and it's only going to cost you even more valuable time. That time is better spent on more pleasant things than running around to banks. Automate her bills. Go paperless as much as possible. Simplify for yourself because you have to still lead your life while you're running hers.

It's going to be a lot of work but only in the beginning - maybe one fill year cycle including IRS and taxes. And start touring assisted living places while you're still building your mom's financial picture so that you're "just looking." See what's out there, ask for pricing and what's included, and talk to the residents. If the residents are happy, your mother will be alright.
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Thank you blannie - i agree with you and my husband does too. We believe she has some form of dementia. My uncle does too because we talked to him about it. I just don't know how to get her to agree to assisted living. She will fight you on it. I don't mean physical but verbal. My husband is a great supporter but does not know how to handle this. Like i mentioned - not much help from bro and no help from sis. They are waiting for the money - but if momma does go into assisted living bro and sis are worried that the gravy train will stop.
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If your mom has Alzheimers, she should not be writing checks or carrying a credit card. Your mom needs a higher level of care than she's getting right now. Get her into assisted living (she's beyond independent living from what you've written). Your brother isn't responsible, from what you've written, so you need to do the best you can to get your mom out of her house and into assisted living. And get the brother out of having any responsibility for her.

She can't be trusted to do anything with money at this point. My mom has cognitive decline (not Alzheimers) and I wouldn't trust her with any kind of decision-making. She just doesn't have the mental capacity any more. It's like asking a 2 year old to do calculus. Ain't gonna happen. Your mom sounds the same. You've got to treat her based on her cognitive ability, which sounds like it's about at my mom's level. Good luck and keep us posted.
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