How do I get my parents to talk to each other?

Thank you Azulseraphin for letting us know how things are going. Be sure to keep us posted.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I tried a few tactics that were suggested. Mom did finally learn of how bad Dad is this weekend, she got a LOA from the NH. thanks again for the support

What information do you need from your father? If he's competent and able to tell someone his wishes, I suppose that he could sign a Will now. I'd check with an attorney in your jurisdiction to see what is allowed in your jurisdiction. Some states allow a handwritten will in the person's own handwriting or the attorney could come to him. But, if he's not into discussing it, I'd try not to stress. It's his estate. There are legal ways to deal with it after his death, if he keeps it all secret now.

And your dad may sense that his wife can't handle certain news. I'd let him decide what is told and when and try to accept his decision. Such harsh news would likely just upset your mother more, anyway.

Is there anyone else your dad would listen to? A male friend or a member of a faith community? Maybe they could get him to talk. Old stubborn men can be very difficult to deal with!

Do you think your dad has his affairs taken care of or will you and your brothers have to pick up the pieces when your dad passes away? If he's not coming home from what you understand, can you go to their home and look around to see what's there as far as accounts, information, will, Power of Attorney, etc? I know that's cold, but if he dies and your mom is in the dark about what she has left, that's very tough for her and you and your brothers. You're the ones who will be left to help your mom survive.

Azulseraphin, continue to tell your mom that dad is still very sick. Don't give her false hope even if you can't reveal all the details.

Now might be a good time to tell your dad things like "I'm so glad I've had a strong, capable dad all my life." "I'm so grateful that I learned to be independent from you and to take care of myself." Whatever positive things you will keep with you after he is gone you can tell him about now. Are you still somewhat estranged from the last talk you had about his health? Try to give him a chance at healing. "Dad, I'm really sorry I seemed to be meddling last year. I was only trying to help and I should have recognized that you didn't want my help at that time." He may respond crossly ("You should have left me alone!") or grab at the olive branch, ("I know you meant well.") Either way you will feel better for having attempted a reconciliation.

You are in a tough spot! Please keep in touch here.

I wish it was so easy to just ask Dad. Dad is the sting silent type and gets angry when others can perceive he has a weakness. The last time I spoke with him about his health, I was not allowed to his house for 10 months. It was during those 10 months that they decline and needed to be hospitalized. I spoke with my brothers and they both tagged me to handle most “adult” matters. They are separated at this time, Dad was transferred to icu tonight and he still won’t tell anyone/speak about what’s wrong. I feel burdened with this secret when Mom asked me for updates on Dad. She know he is very sick but not that he has less than a month.

Azul
I'm so sorry that your fathers death is immenient. Now that you have this information, take a minute and decide what your father needs support with. An attorney? Final services? Telling your mother might be something that can wait just a moment until you gather your thoughts. Your dad is in one facility and your mom in another? Did you want him to tell her on the phone? I wouldn't push this. Call your brothers and ask they meet with you. Share this information with them if you can in person. Go to your father and offer your collective support. Let him know you are there for him. After the initial shock hopefully you and siblings can decide on a course of action to take care of dads end of life wishes. I'm not sure what I would do about telling your mom. But hopefully with the support of your family you will find the right time and place.
Hopefully your brothers will be able to support you during this hard time.

Have you called hospice?i would

My uncle is dying and he is my mom’s only living brother left ,,Mom has Alzehemiers and dementia and I’m not telling her he’s dying ,,she asks how he’s doing and I say fine he sends his love ..she also asks how my sister who died 4 years ago is doing and I say she’s good she’s at work , I wouldn’t press your dad into telling your Mom he’s dying ,,I think when it happens you may tell her and the she may forget ,,...just be sure he has his affairs in order and lots of love around him and make it as comfortable as possible for him ,,,hugs and prayers for you I know your in a tough position 😘🌹

Why does he have to tell anyone he is dying? Getting his affairs in order that is the big thing. Do you think it would help your mum's recovery to know he is dying? Do you really think she is not aware of how bad it is?

If you know, why can't you talk to your siblings? Why can't you talk to dad about his final wishes? If his mind is sound he can have a lawyer visit him in hospital to make a will. My grandmother did days before she died.

This is a very difficult situation for you and your family I'm sure. Rather than trying to get your dad to tell your mom he's dying, could you have a private conversation with him to get him to tell you his wishes and the information you need to get affairs in order for your mom? He may be unable to tell her for whatever reason. But he may be able to talk to you if you tell him you know what's really going on with his health.

Best wishes and please keep us posted.