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My parents live with me and my family. I still have two children at home. My mother who is 70 has severe osteoporosis and therefore has brakes quite often. However she still has most of mobility. My dad literally waits on her hand and foot and expects the rest of us to do it as well. She is also diabetic and refuses to eat right. She just got out of the hospital because her kidneys were infected. There for a 3 week period or so she was flat on her back in the bed. Not because she couldn't get up. I really don't know why. Anyway she wouldn't even get up to go to the bathroom so she used a bed pan and my dad was out one day so she had me come in there and help her. She actually wanted me to wipe her off when she was done. Not because she couldnt. I just don't know what to do anymore. Then I'm the bad daughter for not wanting to do this stuff for her and not wanting to go spend my entire day at her bedside. I still have a family at home to take care of. The other day she came in the kitchen in her scooter and asked me to get her something to drink with ice. Well I was in the middle of making myself something to eat and we have one of those refrigerators with ice in the door. She actually wanted me to get her a soda and I didn't but got a her a juice instead. Anyway it's just stuff like that , that she can obviously do herself. I don't know what to do anymore and am so frustrated. My other sisters won't really have much to do with her so it's all left to me. And you can't even mention nursing home or assisted living without them getting upset.

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Babalou is right. I would explore what is causing this behavior with your mom. It could be that she is manipulative, but it might be something else. I say this, because my cousin acted very much like your mom before we knew she had dementia. She seemed okay, though temperamental. We didn't notice any memory problems, though she did repeat some stories a lot, HOWEVER, she seemed to act very odd in some ways. (hoarding and lying)

She took to her bed, after breaking her foot and refused to get up, even though she could. For some unknown reason, she wanted to lay in bed in a diaper. She wanted inhome health care workers to bathe and change her. She wanted me to bring her her meals on a tray. It was bizarre. I discussed it with the home healthcare workers and physical therapist, and they said she was lazy and unmotivated. HOWEVER, that is not what it was. It was dementia. She went downhill in steps after that and now has severe dementia. I now wish that I had known what was happening. If I had taken her to a neurologist or psychiatrist, perhaps they would have spotted the problem earlier.

I would rule out actual medical reasons for her behavior, before you settle on it being a choice on her part.
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Have your mother evaluated by a geriatric neurologist and neuropsych for dementia. Her ability to do for herself may be gone and she and dad are covering up that fact. Dig deeper.
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Your sisters get upset at the mention of AL or a nursing home? Awwww, poor babies, boo-hoo. I suggest you inform them you're taking as 2 week vacation so they need to do what you've been doing, and go, just go, even if it means going to a motel in a nearby town to hide, no cell phone, no contact. At the mere mention that you won't be around they'll run for the hills. Nevertheless I suggest you call your local government elder care authority and tell them you will be away and your sisters have been informed. They will contact your sisters and if they don't step up they could be charged
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She doesn't need a soda because she has diabetes, Pam. This woman isn't taking care of herself but wants her daughter to wait on her hand and foot just like her husband does. Her husband doing it is his business but Tired doesn't want to do it and shouldn't be guilted into doing it.

Tired - your parents live with you. You parents need to adapt to your family dynamics. For example, if you've cooked a healthy meal for your family then your parents can choose to partake or go out to a restaurant instead if they don't like your meal. You are not a short-order cook and your kitchen is not a diner.

It doesn't really matter what your siblings say because your parents live with you, not them. Family members can be clueless when it comes to the reality of being a caregiver.

That said, wiping your mother up when she can do it herself is an uncomfortable position to be put. If your mother won't take care of herself then it's time to start talking with your parents about assisted living where they can hire as much help as they want. I think you are doing the right thing by not enabling them.
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Your mom is direct. Manipulators are passive agressive . I do not respond to my mom when she pulls her stuff. I just stay positive and it drives her nuts. Another thing I'd say in your situation ( with the wiping for ex) is the TP is rt there and you're more than welcome to use it and let me know if you need help putting your pants back on when your done. - with a big smile.
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Tired74 - my mom will be 89 in February. Mom is a master at manipulation. Guilt is her weapon of choice. She has had years to master the art - been at it as long as my oldest sibling can remember-60 years, and I suspect long before that. If you figure this one out be sure to share the wisdom - it certainly would make my life a little easier!
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You are joking, right? You couldn't get her a soda?
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It does get tiresome, I know. When my mother asks me to do things for her, I tell her she needs to do these things for herself. I tell her that if she stops doing things, then soon she won't be able to do them. I am a believer in the "use it or lose it" philosophy. Doing as much as they can for themselves helps to keep them independent as possible. I found this is particularly important for my mother who has vascular dementia. She is able to do things that are familiar to her with no problem. They become rote, so are remembered. Anything she is not used to doing is confusing to her.

It can be easier to do things for them than it is to encourage them to do it for themselves. However, it isn't good for them or their caregivers. Pretty soon they may not be doing anything for themselves and the caregivers are overloaded and resentful.

My mother is not in very good shape. She has multiple problems, including dementia, diabetes, and spinal stenosis. Still she prepares her own breakfast and lunch and does her laundry. She gets her own drinks and snacks. She is used to doing these things. It takes a huge burden off of me. If I had started doing them, I would have had to keep doing them. It is well worthwhile to encourage them to do what they can.
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