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Told Dr she forgot 2 grankids. Gave her memory test. As former CNA she passed. Yelled at Dr & me for wks. We don't have POA. Daughter in other state does n doesn't care. MIL used to have me go into appts cause she couldn't remember what was said. I mentioned to Nurse in recent conversation MIL had totally forgot who 2 grankids were that were married into family 4 yrs ago & she lived with them. Dr gave her quick memory test which she passed. Used to be a CNA & gave those tests. Got home & she was furious! I had betrayed her, the Dr. Violated her privacy. She called them several times yelling at them. They finally told her she would have to find a different Dr. Things are getting worse. She does things & don't remember or denies them or says we did it. Mostly she takes it out on her son, my husband. We live with & care for her. She refuses to bathe, pick up after herself, change incontient garments when needed. But in middle of night hear her in kitchen cooking for self, doing her laundry etc. and find the messes the next morning. But when my husband is around she cannot do anything for herself. Finally got her to let bank pay her bills but then she goes shopping before they clear, spending hundreds on things not needed yet doesn't get things like the food she likes or her undergarments. She will then expect us to cover them but we get 4x less a month than she does and just don't have the money. Her daughter in another state has POA. We have burnt up the phone lines over this and she won't help or just doesn't care. Both my husband and I have serious health issues and are facing major surgery. This stress is making things a lot worse. We just don't know what to do. My Mom went through Dementia then Alzheimer but was already in healthcare when it happened. MIL is making extremely poor decisions including selling part of the family land which has resulted in the buyer now 'owning' all the land and MIL buying back her own home! Looking for answers and prayers. Don't want to see her go into care but we cannot keep this up any longer! Thanks

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Sorry typo.....with her health.....
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Jennegibbs thank you so much! Finally someone has given us direction! If Mom passes before the house is paid off (house should be pd in 2 yrs) then insurance policy will pay that off 1st then daughter gets money. Land has been in family hundred years or more. So no worry there. I am only driver in house. MIL can do for herself but when husband around cannot do a thing. She does good with me now that she needs me (early relationship was very bad on her part, longer story & yes we could write a book). Husband's school schedule keeps him out of house a lot so that helps also. She seems mostly angry and combative with him, he is the eldest child. In fact we both are from each of our families and with Mennonite backgrounds were raised you took care of your elders. We just want to get MIL the early diagnosis that will get her the help she needs with her help. But we didn't know where or how to start since when the paranoia started in she refused to let us talk to her Drs anymore. You have been most helpful compared to a lot of the answers we got on here. No one is out to take 'Mom's' home. Its the family home. We just want to get Mom the best help possible and had already been told because of income (her's and husband's student loans, yes they count them) she wouldn 't get medicaid. Even if we left her income would keep her from getting it. So we just weren't sure where to go from there. Again I thank you for being so helpful. God Bless.
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Pamstagmen while you think you are being helpful you arent! My husband and I were living in (& saving it from foreclosure) the FAMILY house while MIL was living in another state with her daughter. When the daughter couldnt take it anymore MIL came back to live with us. Her inability to make proper decisions (longer story) has now landed all the family property in the hands of a realitor who took advantage of the situation. We arenow have to buy back the family home and will be in court straighten this mess out for a while. Our children (adopted or bio) & grandchildren DO NOT live here and have no effect no the running of this household. Yes, my husband is a college student but that in NO WAY means we can not cover our bills, thank you very much! And while we both may need surgery we are STILL ABLE to take care of things. Our concern is that MIL get the early diagnosis that will provide her with the proper care for her health! It is obvious by your attacks on us you have suffered through many family members not being their for you. I am sorry that has left you so combative and bitter. We shall keep you in our prayers and hope you find the help and counceling you so clearly need.
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Phoenix, Would you and your husband be eligible for subsidized housing? At least until he finishes school and is (hopefully) employed at a better income? Because, really, Maggie's original response is right. The solution is to move out. Get on your feet in your own space. Let POA daughter and the county figure out how to care for MIL.

This probably rubs the wrong way. It sounds like abandoning MIL and you are definitely not the kind of person who abandons those in need. But in this case I wonder if what MIL needs is more than you can provide and she might be better off getting help from the system.

With your health issues and your husband's history, I think you will be doing VERY well to keep the two of you going. Someone else needs to be responsible for MIL.

BUT ... that means you need a place to live now.

If I were in your shoes (in fact, it is what I did in my own shoes) I would call your county's Social Services (or Human Services or whatever it is called in your state) and ask for a needs assessment for MIL. Find out what help MIL might be eligible for if you stepped out of the picture. The assessment specialist usually will know not only about county resources but how to apply for VA benefits, etc. While that person is there, ask about the possibility of subsidized housing for yourselves.

You state in your profile that your husband is expecting to get the house when MIL passes, but that there is a sister and a brother and no will. Here is a wake-up call: Without a will, the sister will get the insurance money (she is beneficiary) and the 3 children will split everything else. The house will not be your husband's. Furthermore, if MIL needs Medicaid (as she is likely to) they will have a claim on the house after she dies, and it is possible none of three kids will get anything.

So ... I feel bad for the disillusionment here. Hubby came home to a house he expected would be his someday, then his mother moved back into it, and he thought the two of you could take care of her. But she apparently has dementia and in any case is very uncooperative and taking care of her may be beyond what the two of you, with medical issues of your own, can do.

Please find help! I'd start with Social Services. Another option is Disability Helpline in your state. Do you have a disability case worker yet? If so, talk to that person. Your husband is a college student. Colleges have counseling services. I suggest he go in and talk about his situation and ask for suggestions. Keep reaching out until you find some resolution that will be good for MIL and for the two of you.
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Phoenix, you have totally forgotten a key ingredient. It is her house. "she came to live with us". Nope. You are on her turf, in her hive.
You are paying your own way? Probably not if hubs is a 46 year old college student and you are on disability. Probably not if you have "3 bio children & 5 'self adopted' kids, 8 bio grandchildren & 7 'self adopted' grandchildren." You expect her to remember all those 23 kids? Not many could.
I agree you and hubby should go ahead and have your surgery, and go to rehab after your surgery and get those adult kids to help YOU.
MIL and DIL should never live together, kitchen wars break out, because women are highly territorial.
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Jeannegibbs thank you so much! We are just getting started with all this. It is all new to my husband. Not at all what he thought he'd come home to and health problems of his know. He goes for shoulder surgury at the end if the month from being hurt while in 8 yrs ago. The state refused to do anything. But back to MIL. Not sure whereto start. She won'tlet us talk to her Dr. Anymore ("we are out to get her") & the daughter with POA could care less. MIL was living with her before she came back here to stay with us. MIK won't give us POA again because "we are out to get her". My mom never got combative or parinoid so just not sure what to do or where to go.
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Phoenix625, with your disability it really sounds like more help is needed in that household. Would your doctor order some in-home care for YOU, with insurance paying for it? When you get on disability perhaps your benefits will be expanded. Whether MIL is officially diagnosed with dementia or not, if she cannot be left alone, is she eligible for some in-home care?

What agencies or organizations have you checked with so far, in trying to get additional help?

I agree that MIL probably has dementia. Caregivers often know long before tests confirm their observations. Getting the diagnosis may not be the most important step right now. Getting some help for both of you sounds like a high priority.

It sounds like your husband is trying hard to turn his life around. Best of luck to all of you.
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Pamstegman, i am very confused about your math! The only people in this house are myself, my husband and his mom. And your comment of wanting to be "Queen Bee" was totally uncalled for! I was asking how to get his mom diagnosed because she is definately going into dementia. I went through it with my own mother so I know the symptoms and what to look for! I am the one with the most health problems yet i am the one that is taking care of everyone and everything else! Please get you facts start before so viciously attacking someone. My husband's mom could not possible live on her own and we pay our own way, thank you very much!
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Freqflyer she is my husband's mom. He is 9 yrs younger than I am.
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Gosh no wonder she is confused and forgetful. She is supporting three adults and 23 children under her roof, and you want to be the Queen Bee? I think if you all would move out she could regain some peace of mind. wow.
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Phoenix625, I read your bio, good heavens I wouldn't even know where to begin. You need a professional to sort all of this out.

Sounds like your Mom has had tough life, especially since she was only 12 years old when you were born [unless the ages were typed incorrectly].
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Wish we could but husband is fulltime college student, I am waiting on my disability and just cannot afford to do so.
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Move out.
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