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I moved my mother from out of state 1 month ago as her memory changes were quickly deteriorating. I have her on a "cancellation " list for a very good neurologist at UAMS for a dementia evaluation. I am going to have to apply for guardianship after the official diagnosis because my mother thinks she is perfectly fine and is going to fight me tooth and nail on any medical care or placement. My questions are: how am I ever going to get her in the car for the evaluation as she won't leave her apartment and is angry all the time, And question number two is that she is mostly hostile verbally because we have taken away her car. She is so angry about that she calls the police to report it stolen frequently and is on a constant "loop" about the car missing. Every time she calls me and my family members it's about the car and how much she paid for it and how she is calling the law and an attorney. I first tried saying it was broke and that we were having it looked at, we even disabled it but she called a wrecker to take it to a repairmen. I then said her son out of state needed the car but now she calls and harasses him. I've given her reasons why she can't drive even backed it up with DHS and a nurse practitioner saying she can't drive but she does not believe me she doesn't remember them coming to her home and thinks that she is perfectly fine to drive and that I've stolen her car. She cant get past this obsession with her car and that's the only converstion we have. It's hard to visit her because she is angry when I walk in the door and starts in about the car and starts verbally attacking me. Any suggestions for my 2 immediate problems?

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I'd also like to offer some empathy to your mother. I'm not looking forward to the day I can't drive any more. It's a dismal prospect. And if, when the time comes, I don't recognise all the good reasons why I can't I expect I'll be spitting feathers over it too.

You've tried finding a reason she'll accept, and it hasn't worked: she's still arguing and she's still angry; and since the "creative" reasons, so to speak - the car being fixed, your brother needing it - have nothing to do with her incompetence as a driver she would keep arguing, wouldn't she? - 'When am I getting my damandblast car back???!'

So quite honestly you might as well be blunt with her about the fact of the situation, and that it's not negotiable or retrievable. She won't like it, but tough. It's not a choice.

You'll still be on loop, feeling like a broken record, but at least it will a) just be the one record to rehearse and b) be true.

Just wondering: do you ever take her out in her own car, or has it gone for good? My mother was tedious on this subject, but not actively hostile. She'd say "I must get my licence back so that we can share the driving" and I'd sigh and say "yup." Might your mother be less convinced you'd stolen the car if she saw it from time to time?

So those are the two things I'd do. #1 Be blunt. #2 Not expect her to like it.
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My husband mourned for his car for at least a year. Fortunately he did not blame me most of the time. He understood why he couldn't drive but he was extremely sad about it.

The driving thing is EXTREMELY hard on all elders who have to give it up, and it is especially hard with the forgetfulness and confusion of dementia.

I don't know a good shortcut through this issue. It is among the most painful and frustrating to deal with.

I just offer empathy. No advice.
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My mom was mad for a long time about the loss of her car and even now some 5 years later will see one a similar color and comment that it looks like hers

There were several long challenging years and in looking back I don't know how we survived them -

I am grateful that while she was able she had POAs executed and even though she has accused me of taking her money and locking her away, there isn't a day that I'm not trying to do the best I can for her

I hope you can get her to the neuro soon, as there may be meds to help with her anger 

I always thought that as long as mom knew me and could get to the bathroom then I'd keep her home but with dementia there are so many other behavior issues that make it so difficult 

Let us know how things go 
It is a long tiring journey and folks here have been through it all 
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I think roughly four years went by in between my mother losing her driver license and me removing the car. In the whole time - except for perhaps the last few months- mom was bitter and angry about the car. Mom did not forget that. She did forget me taking her four times to the DMV until she finally passed the written test. The four times I took her to the "behind the wheel" test - which she never could pass - once because she drove up onto the sidewalk (at the time she said it wasn't her fault because the tester made her drive down a shady street) and once because the test guy wouldn't get in the car with her because she couldn't follow the instructions they give before you even leave the parking lot. You know, "right turn signal, left turn signal - now honk the horn...". She also forgot telling her doctor she had neuropathy so she could get oxycodone- didn't understand why the doctor told the DMV she had neuropathy AND was taking LOTS of pain pills.

I heard about the car non stop in the first year or so but it eventually tapered down when mom had other things to be mad about - assisted living, reduction in pain meds etc.

You've definitely got my sympathy here - I sooo know what you're going through!
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Thank you for your response. Do I need an attorney to file for the guardian petition or is this something I can figure out on my own. This is all very new to me but I'm finally on the right track about getting an evaluation from an MD that is qualified to diagnose dementia. People including an elder care attorney and assisted living facilities do not really want to talk with me until I have guardianship. This is such a process, but I learn a little bit more everyday from reading and calling organizations for help. Thanks again!
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File the Guardian petition. She won't have to go anywhere, the court evaluator will visit her at home. If she refuses the evaluator and/or MD evaluation, this works in your favor when it gets to court.
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Bumping this up.
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