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My Mom refuses to take a shower and change her clothes. She tells everyone that she showers daily and changes her clothes but sometime when I go to visit her she has stains on her pants. We have also tried to get someone to come in and help her with bathing and she refuses to let anyone including me to help her. I am her daughter and my Dad is also still alive but he does not have any luck either. They live in an assisted living facility so help is available if they need it but my Mom refuses to let anyone help her.

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Eyerishlass, I did try the "no option" option and asked for an aide when he had home health care after a hip fracture last year. Dad fired him! He told me later he didn't need anyone to help him shower. I was speechless.
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I cared for my dad in my home and he got to a point where he wasn't showering. I couldn't figure out how to deal with it (oh, where was this site when I needed it!) so I just let it go and tried to drop some hints. No luck.

Finally I just came out and asked him why he wasn't showering. He didn't give me a reason although I suspect he had one. So I took it upon myself to hire someone to come and help him with a shower. After a few times of this he decided to clean himself up without help.

I didn't give my dad the option of not showering. I never said to him, "How about a shower today?" or "Why don't you take a nice hot shower?" I just hired someone to come in and that was that.

I'm very much in favor of giving our elderly parents options, letting them make the decisions (if possible) but I draw the line at personal hygiene. I never gave my dad the option of showering or not showering. He was going to take a shower and that's all there was to it.

However, if the shower issue is being discussed to death I agree with GardenArtist to let it lie for a day or so and then go at it again. I realize you can't throw your mom over your shoulder and put her in the shower but we have to pick our battles and personal hygiene should be a battle we pick.
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Have your parents just moved there? Perhaps she's still acclimating to such personal assistance by strangers.

I would make sure she's got some wipes in the bathroom, plenty of washcloths and check the clothes a few times a week to make sure clean ones are there. Just unobtrusively take the dirty ones and wash them at home.

The more an issue is made, the more I think she would resist. Don't mention it for several days and give her some space.
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