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My Mom is 92 and has been living with me for 5 months. She doesn't have dementia and her mind is pretty darn good. She does have anxiety which is difficult to deal with. Her health is good but has advanced Macular Degeneration and that causes it's own set of problems. I'm going on a 10 day vacation in July. I have a 'caregiver' who is willing to come in to home and stay with her. The problem is I don't think that is the best thing for my mother. She is in the home all they time. She needs socialization, contact with other people. Once a week I take her to a Day Care facility for 3 hours and she enjoys herself so much. Seeing her smiling, dancing (well swaying) and interacting with other make my heart rejoice. I've told her that I'd like to have her go on her own vacation at a short-term program. She agreed but now is having second thoughts. I've already made the reservation at the facility. I don't want to upset her but I need to do the right thing for her. The caregiver is good for a few hours here and there but I really don't think she can give Mom what she needs during the 10 days. Any suggestions or has anyone dealt with this problem?

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ba8alou.....I agree!
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Lack of punctuation obcsured what I was trying to say. When dealing with an elder and trying to save ourselves, don't ask "would you like to..." Either give choices or inform what's going to be the plan. To ask permission is to seek denial. .
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A similar situation happened with me. I finally arranged to have my mother in an ALF for respite care while I took the first vacation in over 20 years. She balked, of course. I stressed that it was temporary. She grudgingly agreed. I took her there for a visit at first--a lunch. She wasn't impressed, but tolerated it. There were problems, but when I came back from my vacation, she had formed friendships, and it wasn't that she wanted to stay, but she saw that it wasn't as bad as she thought. She still hated it however, and there were years of grief thereafter until she died recently. But that vacation I was able to take probably helped me more than I knew get through the last several years of having to deal with her. My last words are chosen very carefully, because of what happened thereafter. I've posted a response elsewhere, but your issue here can be resolved by gingerly keeping on track and sticking to your plans for your life. It's the only one you have, so take as much enjoyment from it, whenever you can without, of course, being mean to others. But two week respite care IS a vacation for all. I just hope for your sake that your mother will jump on the bandwagon and appreciate her vacation away from the house, from you, and/or whatever! :-)
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While caring for elders is NOT like caring for a child, there is one lesson from parenting to use...don't ask, inform or give choices. You don't ask a five year old if they want a bath and you don't ask the elder you're caring for if you can have some respite. You tell them when you ate leaving and returning and what arrangements you're making. If the person you're caring for is so driven by panic and/or memory loss not to be able to cope at all without you, you need to consult with a good geriatric psych about meds and consider a facility.
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When you get an answer, please tell me. My Mom more fuses to do this and I need some time away because I'm ready to lose my mind!
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caregiver14, I have my doubts that you are really a caregiver. Nobody that cares for someone would say the things you did. And it's your one and only comment, ever.

If you really are sincere, you need a break after 12 years.

Sally, just go for it. Mom won't die in respite care, even if she complains. You deserve a life too!
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Many communities offer respite and your mom is going to be entitled to everything the full time residents get. Maybe take her to lunch there before her respite stay begins. Im sure they will have upcoming Mother's Day Activities or something like that. The Activities Directors are great about inviting perspective residents to check out the community. Is there any way your caregiver can still come and spend time with your mom while she is there ?
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It's annoying when I read "downer" comments like caregiver14. Each and every caregiving situation is different but in the end we are all doing the same thing......caregiving. I applaud Sally for taking a vacation. Why? Because she's human and she can........have a wonderful time! :)
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CG14,
Blannie is right! Sally is doing a darn good job to make sure her needs are met, taking care of herself first!
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The alf where my mother stays does this often and people really like it. They still get to associate with others and have arts and crafts and games, and good food....A great idea for you and enjoy your vacation.
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Geez caregiver14, just because she hasn't been a caregiver for 12 years doesn't mean she's not entitled to a vacation. She may have had this planned for a couple of years, we don't know. We need to support each other, not decide who has it worse. I wish I could afford a ten day vacation. But I don't begrudge her having it.
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Just talk to her adult to adult and let her know that you are going on vacation and you want to make sure she's safe while you're gone and she needs to help you accomplish that. I'm a big fan of the "help me help you" argument, it always worked with my dad. You're doing your part in caring for her and she has to do her part so you can take a vacation. And remind her that it's not forever.
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I agree with trying to get her to at least spend a day there before the 10 days. Hopefully it will ease her mind about it so that she can look forward to it. Will someone keep an eye on her while she's there, since her vision sounds like it's pretty poor? Maybe the caregiver can come to the facility for a short visit a couple of times during the 10 days, or someone else you know (a pastor or friend) just to keep an eye on her and get her to activities and meals.
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We had mom do a one month trial at ALF by telling her "It's like a cruise. They have 3 meals a day, day trips, entertainment, a beauty salon, parties on holidays." They offered half off. "I'll go" she said "But I won't like it". Fast forward one month. She has a boyfriend and won't leave the place. Said if she went back home she would be bored to death.
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You are very fortunate that mom has agreed. Has she visited the facility? If not, take her. See if they will let her spend a day or two there. Thank goodness she does not have dementia that would increase the issues 10 fold, at least. You may come back and she may decide she wants to stay there. Would that be an option?
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